My Family

"Life will knock you down. You can choose to stand up again."

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

One Year Anniversary

It's been one year since I entered my safe-place, my cocoon, the mental hospital!

I remember one year ago, today, like it was yesterday. I remember the feelings and the emotions. I remember telling Heavenly Father that I was done... couldn't do it anymore. I remember feeling like my kids would be so much better off without me. I remember being so angry with myself, but resolved to removing myself from this earth. I remember hating myself so much. I remember not caring that I was hurting myself. I remember being scared of going to Hell for killing myself. I remember just wanting to be numb, just wanting to sleep forever, just wanting to be done.

I remember Miss Birdie telling me that she was calling "her good friends at the Sandy Police Department." Ug. I was so mad at her for messing up my plan. My step-mom took me to the hospital, where I told the front desk lady that I took pills and wanted to die. I was immediately put in the observation room. The doctor came in and after I yelled at him for not letting me kill myself, he said, "Listen, there is only one rational person in this conversation and it's not you. We have never been in the business of letting people kill themselves and we aren't about to start now." I hated him for saying that. I don't remember anything else until I was taken off the ambulance the next day at LDS Hospital. Oh, I was so angry. I cried for 24 hours straight. I could not believe I was in a psych ward. Then, I stopped crying. I started eating a little. I started coloring. I started to going to the 25 classes a day. I started watching football with my good buddy, Tim. I started drinking the high-calorie shakes they gave me. I started smiling. I started sleeping. I started taking the medicine they gave me. I started laughing at funny things. I started caring. I started learning. I started living.

The day they released me, I was terrified to enter the real world again. I had been in a cocoon, a safe place. I couldn't hurt myself there. No one else could hurt me there. I was protected. I was safe.

It has been a long year. More bad choices. More hard days. But, more laughter. More strength. More understanding of my feelings. More understanding of my triggers. More love for my babies. More gratitude. More courage. More compassion.

I'm a butterfly now. I can fly. Not everyday is perfect, but I am better. I am stronger. I am happier. I am getting there.

Just as Miss Birdie says, I'm still on training wheels. We all are. We're all learning every single day. I'm more than just keeping my head above water now. I'm actually doggie paddling!!!

Happy Anniversary to me!!!!!!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Snow Cones

It NEVER gets old!

The Work Retreat (fun part)

Silly me... I thought that doing my work retreat AND the kids birthday party on the same weekend would be brilliant. It about killed me. The retreat went really well, though... here we are miniature golfing.

The Kids' Birthday Party

The annual birthday party has come and gone!! Yippee for the gone part! This mama is tired! The kids had a blast. Friends and family came. We had a bounce house, snow cone machine, face painting and games... Success!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Brick Wall

Colton called me today, crying, to tell me that he had run into a brick wall. I asked him how that happens. He said that he wanted to see if he could run into the door with his eyes closed. Life lesson #9,092,829! Never try to run through a door with your eyes closed! I assured him that Mommy runs into brick walls all the time!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Our weekend, with NO pictures

I just really didn't feel like pulling my camera out, apparently. Friday night, we went and visited Papa and Grandma. Really, the boys just wanted to see Hailey, the new dog. That Hailey is NAUGHTY!!! She has a thing about eating toes. I like my toes, thank you. They're the cutest part of my dang body.

Saturday, we all woke early to go clean the church. Have I told you lately that I have machines for sons? They seriously had that building clean in 30 minutes. When we went home, I went back to bed. Something about not sleeping out of fear for the last three weeks, weird! While I was asleep, Nana and the machines moved beds and dressers around. I am now downstairs with ONE child! Although, last night three of them were with me, because they needed to "be close to mom."

After their organizing, we went swimming. The sun felt extra good on my body. It was heaven, really. I didn't want to leave! We got dilly bars that night and watched Rashad Evans put the beat down on Tito Ortiz!!!!!!!! Mommy likey!

Yesterday was full of church and listening to Jackson and Colton bare their testimonies. It was delightful! Our amazing home teachers came last night. We are SO blessed!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Great to be EIGHT!

This little man is EIGHT years old today!My youngest little man is EIGHT! Colton is a little love. He loves to wake up in the morning, knock on the bathroom door and tell me "Good morning Mommy, I love you!" He loves to tell me I'm pretty and funny and smart. He lets me sing my songs and never tells me to stop. He loves my cousins. He loves his Nana and Papa and Grandma. He loves his cousins, especailly Eden. He is a happy boy, most of the time. We are so grateful to have him in our family!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Jackson's Scout Camp

Jackson went on his first overnight scout camp this weekend. He and Papa went. He had a great time and made such good memories with Papa.