I had someone ask me two days ago if I had any regrets. I thought about it for a minute and responded by saying, "You can't have regrets." This person asked if I could have regrets, would I. I responded that I wouldn't. And, I believe that's true. Sure, I've let my family down. I've brought my family shame. I am reminded of that often, by words and actions. I have put my children in positions that they never needed to be in. But, apparently I am a person who has to learn by hard things. I don't seem to get it with still, small lessons. I get it by knocks to the cranium! I get it by hitting the ground with my face. I get it by crying my eyes out. And, I'm grateful for the lessons because I do eventually get it.
When my teachers would ask me what I saw myself doing "ten years from now," this wasn't what I responded with. I saw myself being married... once. Forever. With happy and well-behaved children.. who excelled at everything. I saw myself being a patient, quiet mom. I saw myself running, not walking slowly. I saw myself doing everything right. Well, I'm a single mom... married more than once. I'm not patient... or quiet. I can't run... but at least I can walk slowly. I don't do very much right. But this is me.
I'm a hard worker. I am a good mom, regardless of what my family thinks. I am good at my job. I am devoted to helping my children accomplish great things. I love being a mom. I love having boys. I love laughing with them. I wouldn't change being their mom for anything... not even a white picket fence or patience or a good husband or the ability to run. I love being their mom.
I believe in the gospel, although I am not completely and totally active right now. I don't go to Relief Society or Sunday School. I get sick of the looks and I get sick of no one wanting to sit by me... so I'm being stubborn. I still believe that I feel the Spirit. I still pray. I still pay tithing. I still follow the Word of Wisdom. My children still see me read my scriptures.
Do I wish my life was different? I wish I didn't have to live with my mom. I wish I was more self-reliant. I wish that my children had stability. I wish my children didn't have to know hurt and pain. I wish that I was stronger. But, I don't wish my life was different. I am grateful for lessons learned. I am grateful for the very, very few friends that I have. I am grateful for homemade loaves of bread... not because they taste SO good, but because I know that someone still loves me. I am grateful for a football coach at the school yard, who doesn't know me or my children, but who lets my 8 year old practice with his team, just because. I am grateful for the people I work with who let me be loud and boisterous, who let me be me, who accept me for me, who remind me that no one has the perfect life... no one.