My Family

"Life will knock you down. You can choose to stand up again."

Friday, September 5, 2014

Secrets Seriously, copy and paste this link into your browser and listen to what she is saying! I love Mary Lambert. A lot. I was listening to this song on my long drive home last night and it made me think... What are my secrets? What do I keep hidden because I am so stinking afraid that people will find out who I really am?! I absolutely love that she dispels the idea that having secrets is necessary. She gave me a wee bit of courage, too, you know? SO, lucky audience members... you get to hear what MY secrets are. Right now. I am literally going to tell you what my secrets are, and in the future when my five kiddos read this blog they, too, will know that mommy didn't have to keep secrets, that I finally believe that I AM good enough... just the way God made me! Secret #1: I am so ashamed and sometimes lost in my cellulite. It is my most embarrassing physical feature. My legs are covered in cellulite and I am humiliated and disgusted by it. I try to hide it in any way I can. When I wear maxis, I wear Spanx. Well, I did until a couple of months ago when my husband told me to knock it off. But, I have cellulite People! It's part of who I am, part of what makes my body my body, and it aint going away anytime soon! Secret #2: I am really terrified of crowds. I don't like them. I avoid ward parties and big work things. I feel awkward and out of sorts when I am in big crowds. I actually DON'T want people to approach me because I am so afraid of it. I am afraid of EVERYTHING, and Josh knows this, but I don't think he has any idea how afraid of crowds I am. Secret #3: I consider myself an enormous failure. I actually have defined myself, personally, as a failure. I feel that I have failed as a parent, as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife, as an administrative assistant, as a calling-holder in the Church. It bothers me that I don't feel that I have succeeded at anything. Sometimes I think that I still hear the little voices in my head from my past and I let them get to me and define me. Secret #4: This is not a secret to some of you. I was in-patient in a psych ward for over a week. I was 103 pounds. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, which I had probably had for years. I have depression and anxiety. I wanted to die. I sincerely wanted to die, and tried to do that. Although to say that being in a psych ward (only four years ago) is humiliating, it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I finally learned about who I am, what triggers me, what I can do to avoid it, or to cope with it, and I learned that I have a voice. When I was admitted, I was full of rage. I thought, "what right do these people have in telling me that I can't die?" "Why would Miss Birdie put me here?" "Why can't I just die?" But, in the end there was no better place for me to be for one week of my life. Secret #5: I enter every radio station contest there is! I do it online, and I've even won a couple! Secret #6: I love my freckles. I love my ears. I love my belly button. I love my toes. I bite my finger nails until they bleed, but when I don't bite them, I am so proud of myself! Secret #7: I wish that my brothers and I were close. I wish that we talked all the time and hung out. Secret #8: I regret not serving a mission. I also regret not going to Arizona with Doug the night before my wedding to RJ. I regret those decisions a lot. Secret #9: I drank alcohol for about six weeks of my life. It was so stupid. It was disgusting. It was gross. It is a sure-fire way to live your life, while having zero control over yourself. It is stupid. It is so, so dumb. There is zero things that are cool about it. For some reason, I just HAD to try it, then I just kept doing it. Six weeks of just pure grossness. Secret #10: I don't fear dying. At all. It, along with speaking in public, might be the only two things that I am not afraid of! What are your secrets?

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