In "Say What You Need To Say," Holly Bowerman speaks of the addictions and choices that her mom made and how those affected her. She says, "It felt like she was choosing gambling and Jon over me."
Although my experiences haven't been that of my mom choosing gambling over me, my experiences have been such that I have often felt that someone I loved and was committed to chose other people or things over me and I have blamed myself for that over and over again. I should have been prettier, skinnier, more sexy, more fun, less stressed, smarter, a better lover, etc. etc. etc. I should have been someone I'm not so that they would want me, and only me.
Holly says, "It feels so personal. I found myself asking,'If she loved me, she wouldn't do this.' The pain from the rejection is hard to describe to other people... I would later understand that I wasn't too far off base when I thought it was personal. However what made it personal was the attack on themselves, not me."
I have finally hit a place in my own life where I get this. Holly said, "At the core of addiction is a lack of self-love and acceptance." I will add to that this: At the core of addiction or consistent poor choices is a lack of self-love and acceptance. It's not about me and what I am lacking. It's about making a personal choice to do what you ought not be doing.
Now, having said that this girl aint perfect!! I have a lot of things that I need to work on to be a better spouse and mom. A lot. Like, a lot. But, others' poor choices aren't on me. It's on them.