My Family

"Life will knock you down. You can choose to stand up again."

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Why Do I Keep Doing Stupid Stuff?

Holly Bowerman talks about a voice in her head (which I've always heard in my own head) that says, "Have you not noticed that those don't work for you? Why do you think going back to that will give you a different result?" Isn't that a great question?!?! My head asks me that all the time, then I just tend to go right ahead and do it anyways. I totally know what the result is going to be. At least I've got that going for me!

So what do I need to do to knock this stuff off? Oh, maybe listen to the voice in my head that tells me I'm going back down the trail that led me to no good? That sounds like a great idea! One of the MANY great things I learned while being inpatient was that I have triggers. We all do. I didn't even know what a trigger was until I was inpatient. We have triggers, which means that if we know what they are we can do our best to avoid them. For instance, if coffee triggers an anxiety attack for me then I would want to avoid coffee. Or, if being in the sun for 30 minutes triggers a sun burn, I would want to avoid being in the sun for 30 minutes. It's actually pretty simple if you think about it. However, when life is a trigger it makes it a little harder to avoid life. But I can sure try.

I love the saying below. The past really is the past. We need to learn from it, then we need to let it go. When I was in counseling 12 years ago, or so, my therapist had me do an exercise. She had me right now everything I had been told by my ex-husband and everyone else who had kept me pretty much in the gutter with their words. I wrote it all down on three pieces of paper. Well, three notebooks of paper. I wrote it all and it was so painful. Then she had me put one in the garbage disposal at the counseling center. The second one I flushed down the toilet. The third one we lit on fire in the parking lot. Obviously the symbolism of these exercises was that they were gone. They were no longer there. My mind didn't need to go there anymore because there was no where to go. It was powerful, but unfortunately my mind didn't make the connection that they were gone. Perhaps my mind didn't make that connection because I didn't exercise it enough. I didn't do exercises that kept those things at bay. I LET them keep coming back and continued to seek after people or activities who fed me with the same garbage. I made choices that just intensified the feelings of no worth, of self harm, of hatred toward myself.

At some point, I have to stop doing stupid stuff. I'm getting there. I'm not quite there, but I'm trying. I'm aware and I'm trying.

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