Grief is such a process. Wouldn't you agree? Yikes! Exhausting to say the least! I have been very, very blessed over the past several weeks in that I have not had any anger or hatred or frustration. I have been hurt and sad beyond words. My heart has been crushed. But no anger. That is until yesterday. Then - boom! I was PISSED! (That is such an ugly word, I know. But it's the only one to describe how I felt) I was loud and I was feisty. My sweet boss, who might need to be put on medication, felt like he was picking up the aftermath of my every step because EVERYONE knew where Heidi was all day. I was leaving a path of sassy-pants!
I have this great white flag that I throw out. It's called writing. When I feel like my emotions are about to boil over, I write. I write every single thought, every single word that is in my head down. I had a moment of that yesterday. I wrote everything that I was feeling, then I SENT IT to Josh. I usually don't send what I write, because let's face it - it's usually not very sweet. But I totally sent it. That's the second one I've sent him in a week. He handled it like a pro. I felt better, too.
It's funny - grief is. It's like one minute I feel like I'm doing great and I'm well on my way to bliss, and the next minute I'm a pile of tears in my office and I can't pull myself together to save my life. I suppose it's there to remind me that I've gone through hard things and that I'm still going through hard things and to be patient with myself. It also reminds me that I've done this. I have put one foot in front of the other for weeks now and I'm still here. I absolutely love the saying below. We ARE battle scarred. But we have hope. And that's all I can dream of right now!