I have a strong testimony of my Heavenly Father. I have a strong testimony of His son, Jesus Christ. I have a strong testimony of prayer, of the Priesthood, of the Atonement, of Prophets. But I don't have a strong testimony of my ability to HEAR and to SEE and to DO. I have been struggling SO much the last few weeks. I cannot for the life of me figure out what I am supposed to be doing about my marriage. Josh is wanting to get back together, as if nothing happened. BTW, something(s) did happen. FYI. He is wanting to go to couple's counseling together. Although I haven't had a great feeling about it and I don't really ever have good feelings when I am around him, I can't figure out if I'm supposed to be doing those things. I have prayed my ever-living-guts out about this. I have sat in the Celestial Room, praying my ever-living-guts out about this. I have prayed day and night - rarely sleeping. I have told Heavenly Father that I will do whatever He wants me to do if He will just tell me what that is! Please!
I feel like it is so easy for others on the outside to tell me exactly what I should be doing. It's easy for them. Yes, I see that everyone who actually loves me only wants what is best for my children and I. I am so blessed to be loved. However, when they just go right on and tell me exactly what I am supposed to do, I wonder how it is that they feel so confident in what they are saying and I don't! It's MY trashed life, after all!
Monday, B.Beck texted me. I told her what I just wrote. She asked, "When you asked Josh to leave, did you feel guided to do so?" I responded with, "Absolutely." She replied with, "Heavenly Father was guiding you. He's pretty consistent." Oh. I suppose that's true. Actually, I know that's true. I thought about it all day yesterday, all night last night, and most of the day today. I talked to my sons about it last night in Family Home Evening. Heavenly Father has never said, "Whoopsie, I was actually not quite right about that." OR "Ooops a daisy. I messed up on that." He doesn't mess up. He doesn't waiver. He doesn't change His mind. He told me months ago that Josh did not belong in our home. I held firm and asked him to leave, before knowing he was having a baby in June with someone else. Just because he isn't happy with the outcome of his choices doesn't mean I have to pay the debt for him.
A beautiful woman that I work with at my part time job came to me a couple of weeks ago while we were working together. She asked me how I was really doing, as if I am faking it til I make it... BTW I am. I told her that I had never been better. She laughed. She told me that she had just completed a class that changed her life. She told me that she had experienced a horrible event with her husband cheating on her with her best friend ELEVEN years prior. Her daughters noticed that she was just "coasting" through life, but that the light in her was gone and that she wasn't really living. They asked her to please get help. She chose to go to this class. Then, she asked me a question that stuck like a brain-sized wad of gum in my head for a week: "What is YOUR responsibility in this, Heidi?" WTH! WTF! GTG! I was speechless. She walked away. I thought, "Ummmm, is she being serious right now? I have zero responsibility in the fact that my dishonest, cheating husband got someone else pregnant AND left his family!" FYI. A week later, she and I worked together again. She said, "Heidi, my responsibility in my situation was that my husband was always flirty with my friends and I never said anything to him. I never told him my feelings about it. That doesn't mean he wouldn't have cheated even if I had told him, but I didn't voice my concerns. I have learned that about myself and forgiven myself. But, knowing what my part in it was has helped me to heal." I thought, "Well good for you!"
That thought that was a brain-sized wad of gum was still in my head. I thought about that constantly and then it hit me! I have ALWAYS stayed in when I should have walked away. When I should have left, and had every single right to walk away, I stayed in. I have always believed that I could love people enough to change them. I have always thought that I could make people want to do the right things. I married someone who left marks on my long before we were married. He would stop. I would show him that he was safe and that he didn't need to hurt me, or our unborn children. I stayed in. I married someone who had cheated on his first wife. HELLO Heidi. I stayed in. I could certainly change him. I would love him better. I stayed in. I married someone who I knew was talking to other girls the entire time we were dating. I would show him that marriage and family were optimal and that this was better than random strange girls who didn't really care and who weren't supportive like I was. I stayed in.
I never needed to stay in! I was worth it. I still am. I had decided that I was someone else's used garbage before all of this, therefore I wasn't worthy of someone who actually honored his Priesthood, someone who actually didn't cheat or lie or hurt. I was worthy of someone who knew how to love and showed it everyday. I didn't need to stay and I don't need to now.
I have parents (four of them), brothers (five of them), sisters (three of them), grandparents, aunties, uncles, and cousins who have stayed in with me and I could not be more grateful. They must be exhausted. I have four boys who are - princes, warriors, earthly angels. They continue to stay in with their mama. There are times when we need to stay in, but I have no doubt that Heavenly Father does NOT expect us to stay in when we are being hurt, when we are being betrayed, when we are being lied to, when we are being treated like less than the children of God we are.
Heavenly Father only needs to answer us once, because He doesn't make mistakes and He doesn't change His mind.