Looking back, I have always felt that one thing, and one thing only, would bring me happiness - a man. A husband. Heavenly Father has shown me otherwise over the past few weeks. I was sitting at Lagoon with my boys and I suddenly thought to myself, "I am SO happy. I feel so much joy." I felt real joy. Perhaps joy I have never felt. I felt content with my life and with my circumstances. When I was at Layton Days with my boys, I had that same feeling come upon me. "I am SO happy. I feel so much joy."
As I have gone through each divorce, I have felt negative emotions. This one has been the very hardest, in a real painful, sad way. Josh was my love. He was who I truly felt I would spend eternity with. He was my best friend. This hurt. In the past, I would look at other families, other couples, and feel such pain and such sadness. I would quietly wonder why I couldn't have that. I don't feel that way anymore. I look at my family and think about how blessed I am. I feel successfully independent. I feel strong. I feel joy. Yes, I feel exhaustion at a whole new level. I feel stressed out to the max about how things are going to work out each month financially. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders when it comes to raising my boys to be stalwart young men, full of integrity. But, I feel so much joy. I feel so much happiness. I feel content. I feel so blessed. And, I feel proud of myself (but not in a prideful way).
I see this picture of myself from last week, and I see that I am growing. I am finding strength and joy. Heavenly Father is teaching me and I am finally listening and allowing myself to be teachable. Finally.
Today, I choose joy.