I have finally blocked someone from text and phone calls. I have finally emailed him all of the information he may need now that I am no longer taking care of everything. Now I just need to come up with the $340 to pay for the divorce that this someone won't. I'm not bitter. Just sad. Still.
There are times, especially when it's quiet, or when I'm driving, or when I'm laying in my bed, that I crave someone to love me. The way I have loved others. There are times when I crave having a partner to share the responsibility with, to share my day's funnies and not-so-funnies with. There are times when I cry, and other times when I tell myself to put on my big girl pants and just move on for crying out loud.
I had a talk with Heavenly Father last night. I do that a lot. Poor Guy. I ask for courage, strength, joy, comfort, peace, and the ability to do all that is required of me. I have began (finally) telling Him that I am totally up for His plan, for His path, for His will (mostly because mine always suck!). I am so ready to do what He wants me to do.
This morning, I opened a package from Miss Sarah - a journal and pencils. Last night, after I prayed, I watched President Uchdorf's talk last Saturday night. It's a beautiful talk. Just beautiful. I felt strongly that I need to write down my joys, my encouraging moments, my spiritual thoughts, my answers to prayers, etc. I'll use my new journal to do this. Then, I received a text from my Pam. She offered to take my family's pictures again next weekend. Oh, that brings me joy. Our last family pictures are beautiful - a treasure - but they were taken in the midst of such pain, such fatigue. We've gone nine months, or so. I can't wait for Fall pictures. I felt so happy when I saw her text. THEN, Miss Teresa sent me a picture of my Baby Victoria coloring. That baby girl, mixed with coloring = perfection.
Colton's Autism check-up was yesterday. As I drove all over the valley to get him, go to the appointment, feed him, drop him off, and go back to work, I thought about how I am so blessed. I am there with him. I am not missing out. My jobs are so supportive of me and my desire to be a mother FIRST. He is stable and is surrounded by AMAZING doctors and teachers and school administrators.
I trust Heavenly Father. Finally. I trust in HIS will, because mine is so blind. He sees more than I see. He knows more than I know. He loves me more than I could ever love myself. He knows what I need, what my boys need... If I do my part, the pain and the sadness and the hurt and the utter frustration will melt away. The blessings will continue to come. All will be well in the end.