Last Thursday I made our Thanksgiving dinner. I am thankful to our ward for the food they supplied for us to have a Thanksgiving dinner. I am thankful for the appliances we have to be able to cook the food. I am thankful that my children were with me on Thanksgiving. I am thankful for our dishes and silverware, the hot water in our apartment, the power, the furniture, and the food. I am thankful for the clothes we have to wear, the blankets we have to keep us warm, and the beds and pillows we have to keep us cozy at night.
After dinner, I headed to work for a very long shift. I am thankful for my coworkers at both of my jobs. They make me feel special and valued. They make me laugh. They hug me, uplift me, and allow me to be me.
I am thankful that I was able to have an amazing lunch with Leanne and Paula from the College on Friday. I love them so much. That was a very wonderful eight years of my life. I met such good people - people I will love forever. I learned so much there about myself, work ethic, skills I would need, and love.
I am thankful for the time I have had to spend with Brooklyn and the baby. We had them a couple of times over the weekend. It turns out that this is hurting my boys and so we will no longer be doing it, but I love both of them. I pray that they will have peace and comfort and the knowledge that the love for them is seen and unseen and that there are angels surrounding them at all times. I pray they will know that none of this is their fault and that they are so special.
I am thankful for our ward. I am thankful for their love, support, and hugs. I am thankful for our Bishop and the Young Men's leaders.
I am thankful for my family. Because of my choices, they have experienced heartache, pain, frustration, and disappointment. I have learned I will never be able to make that better or make that go away.
I am thankful for our trials. This is not the life I thought I would live. This is not how I pictured my life. I always desperately wanted to have an eternal companion who loved me. That isn't in the plan for me, I guess. I have four beautiful children who have been affected by my choices. For that, I will always be so sorry. I work a lot of hours each week to support us and do my best to teach and train them to do the right things.
Sometimes, like today and this week and the past few weeks and this year, I am emotionally exhausted. I am drained. I have nothing left in the gas tank, but I am required (as we all are) to continue on, to keep going. So, that's what we do.