My Family

"Life will knock you down. You can choose to stand up again."

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Thankful! - A Little Break to Cry

First of all, this may be a depressing post to some. For that, I am sorry. Please remember that this is my journal. I hope to look back one day at trials and tribulations and exhaustion and hurt and heartache to see that Heavenly Father was really just paving new roads for me and my boys.

I will begin by saying how thankful I am for phones and text messaging. Sweet Colton texted this to me this morning:
I love that I can text my boys throughout the day and tell them how much I love them.

As you know, Nana was diagnosed with cancer little over a week ago. I have to back up a little to tell my entire story accurately. The week prior to Nana being diagnosed, I had been talking to and spending some time with a guy at work (the part-time job). After I had told him that I was planning to become a Mormon nun and never wanted to date ever again - he somehow began to heal my heart. He was so nice to me. He made me smile. He made me feel sort of alive again. He made me feel a little more complete. He was with me Sunday when Pops texted to say that we wouldn't be having family dinner because Nana was in the hospital. Then on Sunday, I sort of (like big time) flipped the flip. I decided that this was just a joke and that he, too, must be a fraud and a phony and I let him know that. Needless to say, we didn't talk a whole lot for a couple of days. After I realized what I had done (automatically assuming that every guy is going to do what J did and subconsciously blaming them for it), I tried desperately to apologize, but to no avail. I felt so sad. I cried and cried. I felt like I had ruined everything. Working together has been so awkward, to say the least. Finally, last night after talking to Nana and knowing the plan and the intensity of what is going on in her little body, I told him that I felt it would be best to just not talk anymore and that I would unfriend him on social media and that I was so thankful for the time we did spend together and I thanked him for everything and then I cried about that and Nana and everything. I made Braxton watch Pitch Perfect with me last night and it was just rough.

The last two mornings, I have gone into Kohl's at 5 am until 7:30 am, then headed to Ogden. This morning, he was there and blatantly ignored me. I said his name to have him help with some merchandise and he turned and said, "Did someone say my name?" I walked away and cried some more. But, as Rock always tells me - what did we learn? From this, I learned that no relationship is ever wasted. We can always learn from it and grow from it. I learned that not everyone is J and not everyone is going to do what he did. I learned that I need to stop building walls so tall that I can't see what is right in front of me. And, I learned that I'm tired and lonely and spent.

Now to the cancer. Nana has stage three cancer and it is very fast-moving and aggressive. She starts a very strong chemo on Monday. She will lose her hair immediately. She will be sick and tired. Now, I know she is going to read this. When I talk to her and I am with her I am strong. When I'm alone, I am not strong. So, Nana when you read this - just know it's my feelings and emotions right now - but we are going to fight like hell. My mom is the only person who has never left me. Ever. I can't lose my mom. Period. She is the one who has picked me up and cupped my face in her hands and told me it's all going to be okay. And, it has been. Now, it's time to show her that everything is going to be okay.

What I know: my mom has the most amazing husband. As I drove from Kohl's to Ogden this morning in tears, I thanked Heavenly Father that my family members are not alone. My mom has a wonderful husband. My dad has a wonderful wife. Both of my brothers have wonderful spouses. Pops is taking great care of Nana and I am so thankful. My mom is a fighter. I get my feisty and tenacious personality from her. She will not quit. She will fight and we will all fight with her. My mom is beautiful. One of my earliest thoughts of my mother is that I always found her to be absolutely stunning. Hair or no hair, my mom will always be beautiful. We will carry her for as long as she cannot walk on her own. We are going to fight like hell.

What else do I know? I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm really lonely. My boys and I have been through a lot and I have done everything in my power for the last year, three years, ten years, 17 years to be strong, to pick myself up and move forward, to have hope and faith. This was sort of the last straw for me, in a way. I am struggling right now to find strength. I am weak today. I am tired today. I am scared today. I am sad today. I feel really lonely. The loneliness is not like I am alone - I am constantly surrounded with love and friends and family and co-workers who lift me up with their love and their faith and their joy. I just feel sad that I don't have companionship. That's all. The end.

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