You know, throughout this life of mine I have had so many opportunities to learn. But I haven't taken them. I've tried so hard to hurry through the grief process. My way of doing that was to get right back into a situation that I had just gotten out of. That would make the pain from the last trial go away, I thought. I know that it sounds completely dysfunctional. That's because it is. Dysfunctional and sad and exhausting.
I have a team surrounding me that send me notes, quotes, directions, scriptures, thoughts, positive affirmation signs that I sit in front of my face at work, and so on. As I read them, and really read them I realize that it's okay to go all the way through the process. It's long and it's debilitating and it's scary and it's exhausting, but it's there for a reason. It's okay to be broken for now. In reality, I've been broken for 25 years. It's just that now I am allowing myself to be broken and to want to heal the right way.
I read yesterday that if we have to make ourselves smaller to fit into someone's life - we have no business being there. Oh! That is profound. For 25 years, I've been shrinking myself to be accepted into lives I had no business being in to begin with. No more. I need to stand tall. We all do.
The following quote is from Elizabeth Gilbert, sent to me by my Miss Sarah (whom I love and whom I could not do this life without):
Oh, souls — let us try not to worry so much, OK? It's so bad for our minds and our bodies and our spirits, and it's so bad for everyone around us, too. And when we get all bent-up and broken-up and fragmented from worry, we make it SO DIFFICULT for the universe to help show us our destinies.
The universe is wanting to communicate something with you. It wants to take you somewhere very specific (to your ultimate destiny, which is PEACE and wisdom and wholeness) but your worrying is a kind of crazy emotional static that prevents you from hearing the messages.
Have some faith. Have some faith in yourself, and have faith in fate, as well.
What if you remembered this: Everything you have ever endured so far in life, you have survived.
And sometimes, to your own surprise, you even thrived.
Maybe the worst thing you ever endured was a crucible through which you became YOU.
Maybe you could not have become YOU through any other means except by going through that trial.
Maybe a trial will happen again. Maybe a trial is happening right now. And maybe, once again, you will survive it. (All signs point to YES. After all, you have done it before.) Maybe you will come through these troubles re-formed, re-forged. re-born. Maybe you will insist upon that. Maybe that's the strange invitation at the bottom of all this anxiety.
You have seen your own strength. You have seen your own beauty. You have seen your own golden wings. Why do you worry?
What if your story is unfolding just as it was always planned?
Be brave, have faith. You can do this.