Wednesday night, I cried myself to sleep. It was for a few different reasons, but it happened and it was okay. Sweet Jackson, as he always does, came in to my dark room and sat on the floor until he could no longer hear me sniffling. He then kissed me on the forehead and left to go to his room. I am so, incredibly blessed to have my children. But, it breaks this mama heart that these sweet, innocent boys have felt the need to comfort their mama over and over and over again.
As he left, I told him that everything was going to be okay. I told him that I wanted him to pray. I told him that I don't know why these things happen to us, but that it's okay. My testimony doesn't change with our trials, you know? It doesn't. My choices tend to, though. I tend to choose to be further from my Heavenly Father after enormous trials, but in the end I know that I have to come back to Him to feel comfort and to feel joy. For me, it has to be an on-purpose choice. I have to decide that I am going to choose Him over what may seem like much more fun choices. It's always been this way for me and my hard head.
My trials remind me of this, which is probably why I continue to have such big ones.
On Monday, I was leaving the gym, contemplating the fact that I was pretty sure a certain "relationship" was coming to an end. I had those feelings of dread, sadness, heartache, already missing the person, etc. Then, OUT LOUD, I told myself, "There are so many alreadies." Huh? What the heck does that mean, Heidi Ray?
For me, it meant that I already have enough. I am already enough. I already have these four boys who are magical and amazing and so challenging. I already have four loving parents, siblings, and I am an auntie! I already have the Gospel. I already have the most incredibly generous, patient, funny, and thoughtful handful of friends one could ever ask for. I mean, seriously - I won the friend lottery! I already have health and strength. I already have a roof, food, and clothing. I already have a job. I already have the ability to find joy, and to choose it. There are already so many alreadies.
Thursday morning, I went to work and said, "P, it's time for another blessing!!" Think about that. I have the ability to walk in to my office and KNOW that my boss, who drives me so crazy sometimes that I want to scream, is always going to be worthy to administer the Priesthood to me. I have a boss who honors his Priesthood. Always. Already.
So, today I am choosing joy on purpose. Already.