I am relatively sure that my life is purely for the benefit of others. My life's chaos is comedy for those who need a good laugh, and I am so careful not to disappoint! For this reason, I am going to publicly share the craziest freaking date of all time... which just so happened to involve me (weird) and occurred on Friday night.
Get your popcorn. It's gonna be good.
First, he was an hour late. Whatever.
When I got into his truck, it was immediately obvious that he had a nervous tick. Now, this is not a laughing matter. I, of all people (with an autistic son) am completely aware of this. However, his tick was that every time he looked at me, he coughed and spit in my face. I tried so hard not to gag, or wipe his saliva off of my left cheek.
After he picked me up, he drove to a car wash. I asked him what he was doing. Mind you, it's like 7 pm. He said, "I've just been wanting to go to a car wash lately." The entire time the brushes are scrubbing his truck, I am being splattered with spit.
After the truck was clean (I guess... I couldn't really tell because it was dark), he drove to Farmington Station. He informed me that, "We need to eat healthy tonight." (He's lucky this was a first date because no one tells me that I need to eat healthy. I am sassy pants, remember?) He went to pull in to a parking spot in front of a certain restaurant and HIT A PARKED CAR. Like, hard. Like, the car moved. Like, it was damaged. What happened next is actually true -- he backed up and pulled away. I was silent (which is a miracle in and of itself). My eyes must have been as big as freaking New Hampshire. He then quietly parked in front of another restaurant... like it was nothing but a thing!
We walked in. I was silent. I could not believe what had just happened. It was a salad-order and walk down the line- type place. Remember, we had to eat healthy. Idiot. Anywho, I ordered a salad. He ordered a wrap. I was starving. STARVING. We sat down. He asked if he could have my salad. He ate the salad and his wrap. I drank water.
I asked him if he would take me home. He asked if he could finish eating. Whatever. Then, he took me back to my complex.
When I arrived back into the safety of my own home with my own kids' spit and breaking of things... I hollered, "Gather 'round, boys! Mama has a story for you!" And after relaying the joys of the night, we slept happily ever after.