I have often said that I would give anything for my boys to have an extremely close and nurturing relationship with their dad. I often have people tell me that I am so lucky because I have them all of the time, I make all of the decisions for our family without any arguing with anyone else, I don't have to fight with an ex spouse regarding time or basic decisions. However, I most often respond with the first sentence.
Single momming is not how it is meant to be. It just isn't. But if you look around, there are so many single parents doing a pretty kick-booty job at it. Why? Because we don't give ourselves the option. We just do. We do our best. Almost always, we are blessed with an amazing support system. I could not do this without mine. My family is so loving and so supportive. My boys have always had excellent Priesthood holders in their lives to help them along the way. Somehow, financially we make it with the blessing of paying tithing and having a support system.
I cannot imagine my life without being a mom and I can't imagine my life without being the mom of these four boys. There are nights when I just want to forget about the day and close my eyes and try again the next day. There are nights when I am positive I fall asleep with a smile on my face because the day was so full of apparent joy. There are nights when I cry myself to sleep because of worry or fear or angst or guilt or frustration or exhaustion. There are nights when my teenage boys climb in to bed with me and just need their mama.
Each day, we get up and we show up. Not because we always want to, but because we choose to. This momming thing is such a blessing. I feel so honored to be a mama!