Happy & Safe

The boys and I moved 12 times as a team of five.

TWELVE.

A dozen times.

We got really good at physically moving things.

Packing.

Unpacking.

Organizing.

Settling.

Emotionally, though...

It has taken a toll each time, and certainly a long-lasting toll.

I made some terrible decisions.

The hard part about those terrible decisions was that in my mind, they were based on "righteous" desires.

Being married.

Being a "family."

In my mind, if I was in doing what was expected of me then all would be fine.

It never was.

This past weekend, Jackson, Isis, Colton, Cooper and Ryker helped Burke and I move the rest of my things out of the basement apartment we and I have lived in for a couple of years (exactly two).

This was the first move that I did not cry.

Not one tear.

In fact, I felt immense peace.

I didn't even take any pictures of the move.

Or the amazing helpers.

I just kept going until it was loaded.

It only took two hours.

I closed the door, locked it, and walked down the driveway to my car.

We stopped and had breakfast.

Then, took it all home.

To Burke's.

Where I have been staying since my apartment flooded.

This decision was not spontaneous.

It was not made out of need.

I have been just fine in my apartment, living alone since Colton moved out.

I have loved having my own space, in fact.

I was not forced out.

A relationship didn't end, forcing me to quickly find another place to live.

After talking for a quite some time with Burke, then with Jackson & Isis & Colton and with Porter, Cooper, and Ryker, it was decided upon.

After much thought.

After much contemplation on my part.

Are we getting married?

I don't know that I want to do that again.

And that's OK.

I do know that I want to be with Burke forever.

It's certainly not okay with everyone, but it's not anyone else's responsibility to create my happiness.

Not Burke's, not the kids', not even God's.

It's mine.

I have created misery, fear, sadness, frustration in people's lives.

I have no doubt.

Plenty of people call me "irresponsible," "disappointing," "a bad mother..." and more.

I have been all of those things at times, I'm positive.

Jackson said something yesterday as part of a very, very, very hard family discussion that took place:

"Mom is happy and she is safe and she is so good."

My son.

Who has been through ALL of it with me.

All of my kids have been through ALL of it with me.

Oh, how sorry I am.

Oh, how grateful I am that he feels those three things now.

This is me this morning... driving in the snow.

Feeling peace.

This is me in the back bathroom yesterday, with a few of the things from my apartment.

These are two of the three comfy, cozy dogs last night.

This is Cooper, with a "new" desk in his room from the apartment.

And because this just brings me so much glorious, magical happiness:

This is Lani with her unicorn from the apartment.

I don't expect anyone to agree with my decisions.

I haven't agreed with a lot of them either!!

But for those who would like to hear my story from me:

I believe with all of my heart in Heavenly Parents, in my Savior and in the Holy Ghost.

I believe in prayer with an unfailing knowledge that when we pray, we are seen and heard.

I believe in family, however not necessarily the "family" described in the "Proclamation of the Family."

All families look different.

Mine certainly does, but I find my family to be just as worthy as the family described therein.

I believe in the Plan of Salvation.

I have had FAR too many experiences in my life that are sacred beyond words to ever, ever deny that we are surrounded daily by those on the other side of the veil.

I am SO grateful for the characteristics, qualities, and experiences I have innately that have allowed me to create my story:

Empathy, kindness, tenderness, the ability to know when someone needs me to say something or do something to bring them comfort...

I am SO grateful that I am a mom.

Oh my goodness, I am so grateful for my boys.

They are the most amazing humans.

They are just the most amazing people.

And my daughters.

And my grandbabies.

And my bonus kiddos.

And Burke.

And those who see me and still love me.

As a reminder, there won't be a line for big sins and little sins.

Just a line.

For all of us.

God-like behavior is kind.

God-like behavior is loving.

God-like behavior includes creating boundaries and making good choices and when we know better, making better choices.

It also includes doing our best to be happy.

It does not include judging.

It does not include believing that we are better than others, or more deserving, or more worthy.

It does not include believing that our way is better than the way others choose.