I remember one year ago, today, like it was yesterday. I remember the feelings and the emotions. I remember telling Heavenly Father that I was done... couldn't do it anymore. I remember feeling like my kids would be so much better off without me. I remember being so angry with myself, but resolved to removing myself from this earth. I remember hating myself so much. I remember not caring that I was hurting myself. I remember being scared of going to Hell for killing myself. I remember just wanting to be numb, just wanting to sleep forever, just wanting to be done.
I remember Miss Birdie telling me that she was calling "her good friends at the Sandy Police Department." Ug. I was so mad at her for messing up my plan. My step-mom took me to the hospital, where I told the front desk lady that I took pills and wanted to die. I was immediately put in the observation room. The doctor came in and after I yelled at him for not letting me kill myself, he said, "Listen, there is only one rational person in this conversation and it's not you. We have never been in the business of letting people kill themselves and we aren't about to start now." I hated him for saying that. I don't remember anything else until I was taken off the ambulance the next day at LDS Hospital. Oh, I was so angry. I cried for 24 hours straight. I could not believe I was in a psych ward. Then, I stopped crying. I started eating a little. I started coloring. I started to going to the 25 classes a day. I started watching football with my good buddy, Tim. I started drinking the high-calorie shakes they gave me. I started smiling. I started sleeping. I started taking the medicine they gave me. I started laughing at funny things. I started caring. I started learning. I started living.
The day they released me, I was terrified to enter the real world again. I had been in a cocoon, a safe place. I couldn't hurt myself there. No one else could hurt me there. I was protected. I was safe.
It has been a long year. More bad choices. More hard days. But, more laughter. More strength. More understanding of my feelings. More understanding of my triggers. More love for my babies. More gratitude. More courage. More compassion.
I'm a butterfly now. I can fly. Not everyday is perfect, but I am better. I am stronger. I am happier. I am getting there.
Just as Miss Birdie says, I'm still on training wheels. We all are. We're all learning every single day. I'm more than just keeping my head above water now. I'm actually doggie paddling!!!
Happy Anniversary to me!!!!!!
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