Public Letter to the Creators of the Pinewood Derby

Dearest Creators of the Pinewood Derby- What on earth were you thinking??? Maybe you had good experiences with building/sanding/painting/sticker sticking. Maybe your male parent/male grandparent/male extended family member put this idea in your head. That idea/thought should have been ignored. Just saying. I have four boys. I have been to my fair share of Pinewood Derbys. Car derby/rocket derby/boat derby. You name it, we have raced it. I have been to these events where there was security on location. Seriously. Not because the boys, themselves, get a little out of hand, but because the adults get out of hand. Awesome. I have seen creations come to these derbys that are CLEARLY not the work of 8 year old boys. In fact, it's clear that they had NO part in the building of these derby-worthy automobiles. Okay, let's now move on from the creation of these things. Now, let's talk about the race itself. Usually between three or four boys race "their" creations at a time. Guaranteed someone is going to lose that race every time. Now there's tears. There's bad-talking. There's fist pumping. Well, let me just tell you that I'd like to do a little fist pumping myself, and I'm not talking about the cheerleader form of fist pumping. It is seriously one of the most stressful months of the year for me every year. Is this automobile going to be derby worthy? Is this thing going to even have a chance to win? Or, at the very least to finish? Which one of my children is going to cry first? Which one of my children is going to deck another kid first (usually their own sibling)? Are they going to have Xanax-laced cookies for snack? Because if not, I'm going to bring some of my own!! In conclusion, I would like to withhold ALL thanks to you, the creator of the Pinewood Derby. This was not one of your better ideas!