Baby Factory, No Baby

Meet my sister, Carrie. She is married to my brother, Brandon. They live in Farmington with their dog, Durbin, who is the size of a human male. They are going through a fourth lost pregnancy. They have had three miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy, all in the first trimester. Carrie has had one operation, which we hoped would be the end of their difficulties. It wasn't. Obviously.

Then, there is me. I couldn't stop having children! If you haven't heard, I was on birth control with all four pregnancies. I didn't even have a menstrual cycle between the three youngest. I just kept having babies. Now, it wasn't easy. The pregnancies got shorter and shorter, with my youngest being in the NICU for a few weeks due to prematurity. I was in a terrible marriage. I was not emotionally stable. I was not physically well. Kaydon was on all kinds of medical equipment, with home health care around the clock. I was the only one working in the home to support us. It was less than ideal, to say the least. Yet, I couldn't stop having babies. I never once had a miscarriage, or a lost preganncy.

I have thought about this a lot the last few days. I feel a lot of guilt. I feel guilty that it was so easy for me to have babies, and yet my brother and his wife can't catch a break when it comes to having a family. They are financially stable, they have a good home, great jobs, physical well-being, etc. I don't know why Heavenly Father works the way He does, but I know that He knows what He is doing. My life, obviously, is much better now. My children are growing and doing well. We have been blessed infinitely. We have a good, stable home, with a loving father at the head. But, so does my brother.

I pray that by brother and sister will be blessed with a family, with a home full of children and noise and messes and joy. I pray that they will be comforted through this difficult process. And, I pray that I will no longer feel guilt. I pray that I will forgive myself, for whatever I did wrong, and be able to comfort them through this very, very hard time.