Roller Coaster

Life is really tough right now. And it's okay for me to say that, I suppose. I have tried and tried and tried to get Josh to sign the divorce papers. They have now been mailed certified mail. I am hoping that will do the trick. But am I? Of course I am. This has been such a devastating thing for me and for my boys. So many people have tried so genuinely to tell me how to think and what to do and how to feel and what I'm doing wrong and what I should be doing, etc. etc. etc. I believe that people are telling me this because they genuinely care, but no one is walking in these unbelievably heavy shoes of mine. I loved Josh. I loved the Josh that I thought he was. I knew all along that he wasn't being loyal but I stayed. I take full responsibility for that. I've done it my whole life, I've come to realize. I have always stayed in when I should have walked away. I guess I believed my whole life that I could help people, that I could love them enough to change them, that I could make them want to be better. That was a myth, and I take responsibility for my part in this. I need to forgive myself. I'm working on that. All I ever wanted was to be married and have children. This stings.

Jackson has mono. Braxton needs a follow-up chest x-ray. He is having more and more chest pains. Kaydon just plugs along, but I wonder how he is doing emotionally. I am working on getting Colton's disability paperwork going. I have two meeting over the next two weeks for his IEP and for his Special Ed transition.

We are moving in three weeks. I need to get the house packed and cleaned. The truck still isn't registered. The DMV told me this week that this is the last temporary plate they will give me. We are still waiting on a lien from Wells Fargo. It's really just one more thing.

I am up every night for hours with stomach cramping and pain, so severe that I can't move. I lay there and pray that it will go away. After several hours, I fall back to sleep just in time for my alarm to go off. I suppose it's stress that's building up in my very tired body.

This is not a blog meant to gain pity. Pity isn't what I want. Love is. Sometimes it's important to be real and to be honest so that when my children look back at this blog, they know that things were hard but that we kept going. We kept trying. We stayed together and gave it our best.