Today Hurts

Today hurts. A lot.

I received a text this morning that "he is coming." That refers to Josh's new son. The son he is having with another woman.

I guess I thought I had gone through all of the emotions that would come. I was wrong. When I saw that text, I immediately began to cry uncontrollably. My boss quietly came in, closed the door and let me cry. He comforted me. He reminded me that I knew this day was coming. He walked me through blocking Josh from my phone.

Today hurts. A lot.

I can't seem to pull myself together. It's like I'm in that fog again. What a strange feeling that is. Sometimes I do question why. I don't actually ask "why?" But, I do wonder inside my shattered heart why my children and I must feel such an immense amount of pain for someone else's actions.

I don't compare myself to the Savior in the least, but isn't that what He did? He suffered a pain none of us will ever understand for our actions. He didn't ask why. He just did it. And, He did it so that I would be able to feel comfort and tender mercies through moments like this when I feel I may collapse under the weight of it all.

Today hurts. A lot. I feel like curling up on my bed and crying until no more tears come. I feel like holding my boys close. I feel like having my mom near me, tickling my back. I feel like giving up today. But, I won't. I can't. I have four babies who depend on me. And so I will be strong for them.

Today hurts. A lot.