Chaos

Gosh, I am struggling. I feel so unsettled, so chaotic. I feel unstable. I feel it not only emotionally and mentally and spiritually, but I also feel it physically. It's a constant battle between my heart and my mind. I feel literal pain, literal discomfort. My mind and my heart are never settled. It's like a little war going on inside of me and both sides are putting forth all of their toughest men and women, all of their largest battle weapons, and all of their time and energy to win for their team. What they have forgotten is that they are all on the same team - Team Heidi. At least they ought to be. But they aren't seeing it that way.

And then there is my environment, my surroundings. J is putting forth a full-waged war. He is not giving up, although I believe that happened the day our "relationship" started. On Saturday night, he called me 41 times in one hour. Crippling. The papers have been sent in again. Although, it is still a process. It's been a debilitating process, one that has taken every ounce of water left in my well - physically and emotionally and spiritually. Why is this so necessary? Why must the hurt continue? Why must the instability dominate?

Rock reminds me often that I am in control, that I make the choices. It doesn't feel like that is the case, though. I don't feel strong enough to do that. I don't feel like my feet are planted firmly enough to do that. I feel completely off-balance.

This morning on my way to work after a long night at the other work, I thought about the fact that we haven't watched one Christmas movie together. We haven't driven to see lights. We haven't made any homemade caramel corn. We have not done any service projects. We have just gone through the motions of this life - working, school, cleaning the house. It's all mundane. It's all necessary. It's all hard.

I am in a realm that is so unnerving. Dating is so hard. I sabotage every possible opportunity. I am so positive that I am going to be hurt, so I make that known and get out. Even if I haven't yet been hurt. Even if everything appears fine. I treat them like yo-yo's. Perhaps because that's how I have always been treated. I am not sure. But it's hard.

Last night I laid in bed and cried. Not sure of the exact reason. Maybe I am tired. Maybe I am stressed. Maybe I feel stretched thin. Maybe I am not doing everything in my power to have the Spirit with me at all times. I am sure that one is positively true. I must do better today than I did yesterday.

My sweet boys are amazing. Have I told you that lately? They are incredible species. They are so full of everything wonderful in this world. Oh, how I love them. Oh, how I smile just thinking about them. They are beautiful, funny, creative creatures. I don't want to do wrong by them.

Are we blessed? No question. Are we loved? I know that we are. I desire foundation, stability, and peace. I so desire for this chest pain to go away forever. It is a constant reminder that things are in turmoil and I can't find my comfortable spot inside of my mind and my heart. I am ready for them to make peace one with the other. Maybe today.