Sometimes...

Sometimes...

I have a lot to say.

Okay, it's pretty much every day that I have a lot to say.

Sometimes...

I am just way more vocal than others.

Today is one of those days.

Yesterday at the gym, I was saying the most horrible things to myself.

Not out loud.

That stupid voice in our heads that tells us terrible things about ourselves was very, very loud.

I was telling myself that I am worthless, weak, unlovable, not a good enough mom, hopeless...

I was comparing myself to literally every single person in the gym.

I felt like shizzzz about myself.

Like, shizzzz.

Very stinky shizzzz.

Shizzzz.

I was on the treadmill, telling myself that I was weak.
WTH?
Heidi, there was a time when you couldn't walk.

There was that first time Jackson tried to take you back to the gym and you had to leave right away because the lights and sounds were too much.

There was a time when you couldn't drive anywhere, let alone to the gym.

I was lifting weights, telling myself that I should be lifting heavier weights.

WTH?

Heidi, there was a time when you couldn't move your fingers.

At all.

You couldn't wipe your own butt.

You couldn't bathe yourself.

You couldn't feed yourself.

You couldn't color or pull your hair back or brush your teeth or cut your food.

I was stretching, telling myself how all the other girls at the gym have "new" gym clothes and all of mine are "used." Maybe I should work a fourth job to support us because three isn't enough. Maybe I should skip two meals instead of one so my boys have more.

WTH?

Heidi, you are doing the best you can with what you have.

Shut UP!

I gave my inner voice the middle finger... 

Like flipped it the flip off.

Eff you inner voice!

I'm imperfectly perfect.

We need to stop bullying our dang selves. 

We need to start telling ourselves good things.

We wouldn't allow anyone to talk to our children like we talk to ourselves.

We need to knock it off.

And then there is this-

We, as a society, need to learn to respect one another.

We need to learn to disagree with each other respectfully.

There is so much political turmoil in our world.

There is so much hatred and violence in our world.

There is so much negativity every where we look.

There is so much freaking anger.

Just be kind.

Just smile at people.

Just stop judging.

Colton had a friend tell him that their mom questioned why I was doing a Live at 6:50 am, when I could be taking them to school. School starts at 8:10 am. We leave our house no later than 7:30 am every single morning. It is a five minute drive. I do a Live every single morning because I have to work three jobs to put milk on my dang table.

Please don't judge us.

And, if you do judge us... keep my babies out of it.

That's all.

Sometimes I have a lot to say.