Uncomfortable

I'm almost 43.

Like, less than three months away from my birthday.

I have been in the most dysfunctional, unloving, inpatient, unkind, horrendous relationships for almost that long.

That was very comfortable to me.

It was what I knew.

So, I longed for those types of relationships.

I felt strongly it was all I deserved; it was as good as it would get for me.

Recovery for me has not been, and never was, about not dating or being in a relationship.

It was about learning why I had (have) an addiction to validation.

It is about learning about my worth.

Learning my triggers.

Learning my tools.

And continuing to learn all of those things every single day.

Although this picture is not of me, I feel that it is an on-point representation of me for the last nine months.

While meditating every night, this is where I pictured myself.

All alone.

Amongst God's creations.

In solace.

Discovering.

Discovering me.

When I started this journey, we had a new neighbor move in next door.

It's a funny story.

A long story.

One that really only T and my boys know.

Funny nonetheless.

The boys say I ditched this neighbor 29 times.

It may or may not be accurate.

(It is)

I remember the immediate feeling of safety he brought to the complex, and to our home.

Then the neighbor bought a home and moved.

But before being gone completely, came back to our home to ask (again) for my phone number.

This time I gave it to him.

Never really expecting to hear from him.

I have declined a lot of dates in the last year.

A lot of friend requests.

A lot of phone number requests.

I deleted 700 friends from social media.

I wiped my slate clean and have built, albeit very carefully and cautiously, from there.

T has been in the know of all of it.

And, oh how I love her.

Friday, I met with my neuropsychologist.

We talked about him.

A lot.

How sad is it that this girl feels uncomfortable with different even when different is an absolute master piece?!

She explained that different is SO good for me and especially with this.

She explained that I am right where I am supposed to be.

Last night was hard.

Everything is very overwhelming to me right now.

Single parenting is rough at times.

Health issues, school cancellation, all group activities cancelled, etc.

He sat with me and asked me to please share my feelings with him.

I don't do that!

Unless your name is T, I ain't participating in that!

Then, I did.

I cried.

And it was all okay.

My heart felt peace.

I am no doubt that God is in the details of everything.

He always has been.

I am grateful for the times that I continue to take where I am in my solace, discovering myself, my feelings, my emotions, my needs and my wants.

I am working on my weaknesses and my fears.

I am allowing things to be.

And, yes.

I asked my children's permission.