It Tried to Kill Me

I had my second vaccine yesterday.

I walked into the Dee Events Center like I owned the place!

I walked up to the table where they would be stabbing me with a needle.

I asked where the yellow band-aids were.

The man in charge of stabbing me went on a long walk, in search of yellow band-aids and found none.

That is actually probably the reason for the fact that it almost killed me.

It sure tried.

I felt great right after.

Then... two hours later came and I was not well.

Dizzy. Light-headed. Nauseous.

Not okay.

I went home to finish off my work day at home.

I went to bed after taking some Tylenol.

It got worse.

At about 1 am this morning, I was sure I was dying and began wondering if I still have life insurance for my children.

The headache was worse than post-stroke.

My arm felt like Francis Ngannou hit it.

I had vomiting and diarrhea for hours.

I kind of wanted to die.

This morning, I am at work.

Because I'm effing tough!

 

The Love

These pups get so excited as each of their humans arrives home.

Or as they wake up.

Kaya seems to know the second Mia is awake. 
She CANNOT wait to share the estrogen in the home with Mia.

As each boy returns home, the barking ensues, then jumping like a kangaroo to say, "Welcome home, Human. I love you. I have missed you. I am here for you to warm up to and cozy into your night with."

This was last night as Braxton returned home and settled in my room with me to talk about... well to talk about nothing at all.

Just to be with me.

Which is my favorite.

The love that is shown in our home is brilliant and wondrous and everything.

And so the dogs joined.

And the love elevated.

And I smiled.

As I watched the baseball game behind my boy's mullet.

And stared at the love that is surrounding me.

 

Cherry Blossoms

I am sort of, but not really, officially, unofficially Heidi Rae.

I signed my name on the documents yesterday.

I had been preparing myself for the sting and hurt that I knew it would cause.

And, it did.

But, I reached out to my village.

I prayed.

And I did it.

I rewarded myself for doing a brave thing by going for a walk to look at the cherry blossoms in my neighborhood.

They are extraordinary right now.

I love them.

They, and tulips, are such a sign of rebirth.

And, as they are blooming SO AM I.

Psssst...

I had THE DREAM last night.

The one that Jackson blessed me to know I would have.

It's all going to be okay.

Just ask the cherry blossoms.

 

BBW X 2

Braxton and Mia Girl went to BBW with me on Saturday night to watch the fights.

It was a ROUGH night of fights!

Between Chute and Weidman, there were some gross injuries that were hard to watch.

But, Thug Rose did her thing!!

Then, Sunday night we headed back to BBW because Texas Roadhouse had a one hour wait.

I didn't even have to pay for either meal.

My boys are just the best.

I love this group of people SO much.

They are my why.

They are my everything.

They are the reason I am able to get up every morning and keep going.

They need me and I need them.

 

WrapUp

This week is coming to an end.

What amazing things did you learn about yourself?
What were the happy things you wrote in your happy journal?

A few of mine:

The dog hanging out the window with the wind blowing it's mouth WIDE open. Living its best life.

Popcorn popping on the apricot trees.

Listening to Mia make dinner on Wednesdays. 

Colton's excitement to go to work every day.

Colton's excitement to have his own debit card.

A raise.

And another raise.

My white rose still alive on my kitchen table, with no water, for two weeks.

My Twisted Sugar kids opening a brand new bottle of cherries for me!

Braxton getting a raise.

Kaydon telling me a story of a friend saying I was "hot" and Kaydon telling him that he came out of my vagina!

Knowing Jackson is coming Sunday to see his mama.

Music. All the music. Dancing music. Angry music. Sacred music. Honky Tonk Badonkadonk music.

Meditation.

Tiffni's hillarious stories daily.

Counting down to my trip with Becky Beck. I may or may not have a paper chain.

Baking muffins and cookies.

Receiving a grocery card in the mail with $130 on it. 

Alma the Elder.

Bishop Willis.

Putting on my armor.

Tulips in the dirt pile.

Talking to the babies.

Peace. Love. Clarity.

 

Scripture Study

 

First of all, this drawing of Alma the Elder looks like a super buff Ryan Reynolds.

Just saying.

This guy is a stud.

Seriously.

I have been reading in Alma, the 30's chapters, over the last few days.

I kind of love what this prophet says, and the way he says it.

He kind of reminds me of Elder Holland, or Elder Holland reminds me of him.

Either way - stud.

I want to share Alma 31:31

O Lord, my heart is exceedingly sorrowful; wilt thou comfort my soul in Christ. O Lord, wilt thou grant unto me that I may have strength, that I may suffer with patience these afflictions which shall come upon me, because of the iniquity of this people

He goes on in Alma 31:32

O Lord, wilt thou comfort my soul, and give unto me success, and also my fellow laborers who are with me...

This morning, as I read in Chapter 32, I was reminded of one of the many reasons why we NEED to suffer... why we need to have afflictions and tribulations. Without them, we would not humble ourselves sufficiently to be able to feel of the love of our Savior AND to be able to hear and feel those things He puts on our hearts. 

Verse 12:

... that ye may be humble, and that ye may learn wisdom; for it is necessary that ye should learn wisdom; for it is because that ye are cast out, that ye are despised of your brethren because of your exceeding poverty, that ye are brought to a lowliness of heart; for ye are NECESSARILY brought to be humble.

Prayer has changed for me a bit. I feel more like it is a conversation now, rather than a speech I am giving. 

I sit up, with my hands on my lap with my hands in the receiving position.

I pray, then I meditate.

Then, in the mornings, I read my scriptures.

At night, I read my book.

I take the time to listen.

My head is bowed, and I am speaking to the Father with humility, love and respect.

But, I have opened myself up to hear Him in return.

The Name

I have been asked a LOT over the last four weeks if I would be changing my name.

Colton has been especially interested in this detail.

The answer is, "Yes, I will be."

The second question, which seems obvious, is "What will you change it to?"

Let's be honest, Friends.

Mama has had her fair share of last names.

My maiden name is Robb.

People, understandably, feel that this would be the obvious choice.

However, Robb does not feel like home to me.

That is not said, or meant, to hurt feelings - so don't come at me.

It is a personal choice from a personal feeling.

I get to make those and have those.

Moving on, Colton feels that I should have the same last name as the boys: Jorgensen.

Nope.

Christensen.

Not today, Scooter.

As you know, when Perry walked the streets of Earth, he called me Heidi Rae.

That has never been my name.

But, that is what he called me every single day.

It was what my guys began calling me.

Every single day.

Heidi Rae.

Rae Rae.

Rae.

RAAAEEEEE!!!

Heidi Rae almost feels... holy.

Right.

Like home.

So, as of right now (and the past two or so weeks), I am strongly considering Heidi Rae.

 

Worth

Worth.

SUCH a difficult word for we mere mortals to comprehend, to live with and to live up to.

We, especially as women, have zero issue with telling each other our worth.

I LOVE to preach worth.

But in our own head space, we often knock down our worth.

As if.

As if it's up to us.

Because it's not.

I had a conversation with one of my kitchen cabinet people last weekend.

During it, she mentioned that due to certain "facts" or "items of proof," someone in her life was clearly more worthy than her... AND that these facts always reminded her of that.

I listened as she told me all of the ways in which that is true.

I listened as she talked about promises given to her that have not come to pass as of yet.

I listened as she told me how she feels like she's always lived in the shadows.

I listened as I wanted to stop her and scream that she is worthy.

But, I listened.

Until it was my turn.

Oh, HELL NO. 

You ARE worthy.

Perhaps we need to pivot our thoughts or our perception of promises given to us.

Perhaps you're not in the shadows; perhaps you are the sunlight creating shadows.

I see you.

 I hear you.

Your feelings are ALL valid.

But YOU ARE WORTHY.

Not more worthy.

Never less worthy.

WORTHY.

A sweet friend of mine called last night.

Heidi, you don't this but when I read your blog, I am literally reading my own life.

Your blog is helping me so much.

Without trials.

Without THIS trial, I would not be on this particular path.

I would not be praying about what I need to blog about.

I would not be having morning and nighttime personal devotionals.

AND, without the series of events over the past three years of my life...

During THIS trial...

I'd be running.

Hunting for a man to validate me.

Hunting for a way to run from the feelings and emotions.

I might drink alcohol.

I might be on three different dating websites.

I would be unable to put my phone down, not to run my business with a crazy amount of passion, but to answer every ding from lame dating websites.

I HAD to run and run and run so that I didn't have to feel.

Now.

Now I purposely create stillness.

I seek answers.

I listen carefully.

And, I feel.

I feel all of it.

We are ALL worthy.

 

A Dream

Ever since 11:45 am yesterday, I have been SO eager to hop on my blog and document the love of our Heavenly Father.

But, first.

Babies.

I went Friday afternoon to watch these two magical morsels. 

They continue to heal my heart and to brighten our darkest days.

Due to my foot being, well, broken...

I needed the help of my own babies.

Kaydon came right from work.

But, their mommy and daddy helped me with bath time and jammies before they left to pay their love and respect to Carrie's sweet grandma.

The babies have big boy beds now.

So, it requires us laying with them until they fall fast asleep.

I assigned myself to Anson (the easier).

Kaydon took on Asher.

As we each laid just feet from each other with each baby, I wept at the gratitude I felt in that moment.

Anson cuddled up into me as I tickled his back and his hand.

My Auntie Tonya used to tickle my hand and my arm when I was his age.

It soothed me and made me feel seen and loved.

I hoped he felt the same from his auntie.

I heard Kaydon giggle now and then, trying not to let Asher know that he was hilarious.

Then, as Anson went to dreamland I turned to see how Kaydon was managing with Asher.

I saw my 18 year old boy, cuddled up with his cousin who trusts him and loves him.

Asher kept a hand on Kaydon, while he sucked his other thumb and held on tight to his blankie.

Soon, he too was in dream land.

We walked out of the room and Kaydon told me I could go and he would stay.

Kaydon had worked a long shift, and would be picking up Colton from work late.

I told him to go on ahead.

In that moment, I had such deep gratitude for my boy.

And his love.

And his respect.

Saturday, Miss Birdie picked me up to drive to Sandy.

We met T there for breakfast.

There I sat with these two superstars who God knew would walk this path with me.

Oh, how I love them.

I laughed and I marveled at the two of them.

My favorite part, though, was the car ride with Miss Birdie.

It has been well over a decade since she and I had one-on-one time.

We both cried as we talked and listened to one another.

And, then I listened to myself as I testified to her of many truths I have learned and re-learned over the last month.

Oh, how I love them both.

And now...

A dream.

Yesterday, Kaydon, Colton and I attended our new ward for the first time.

Afterwards, we went to the bishop's office.

He met with all of three of us together.

He asked many questions of my boys: 

Their goals, hobbies, school, work, Kaydon's mission papers, etc.

Kaydon took a moment to thank him for taking interest in our family, mentioning that previous bishops have not been like that and it has been disheartening.

Bishop Willis assured him that he IS interested in them and will continue to be so.

Kaydon noted that he appreciated that.

Then, Bishop Willis asked, "So, what brings you to our ward?"

It was my turn to speak.

"My husband was having an affair."
Bishop Willis became visibly emotional.

Kaydon noted, "And, it's the third time this has happened... all different men. Call it bad luck, maybe?"

Bishop Willis was emotional.

Kaydon tried to break the ice, "Did you have any more questions for us?"

Bishop Willis said, "I'd like to talk to your mom alone, please."

Kaydon and Colton told me they would be right outside the door. I nodded.

As they closed the door, this happened:

Heidi, I had a dream.

In it, I saw a woman who was finding out that her husband had been unfaithful, having an affair.

In that moment, Heavenly Father allowed me to feel her pain.

I felt the physical pain of this woman.

This woman, I see now, is you.

I am so, so very sorry for the pain you felt and are feeling. I felt only a portion of it, but oh, the pain. 

That woman was you. And you are here.

I had this dream about a month ago.

I thanked him for being willing to feel that pain.

I told him that it has been devastating, painful.

Today is the one month mark of what all of this went down.

Bishop, there is no other word in the English language to describe our finding this home besides "miracle."

It was not listed.

Dakota Beck texted his mom, my Becky Beck, who contacted us.

It was available that day.

I had received stimulus money to pay the deposit and the rent.

They allowed our dogs, which is critical for my children.

This is where we are supposed to be.

He added, "There's more. There was a family all set to move in the week before you. Somehow, some way, it fell through."

I told him that even though I would never, ever want to experience this pain again, it is through this pain, through this shattering of souls that we can feel Heavenly Father's love for us in a way nothing else can make us feel that love.

I never want to be without this Spirit.

Ever.

He went on to ask about our needs.

Again, I thanked him.

I told him that I am not sure why my children must go through these challenges again and again.

I told him that it is that part of these things that destroys me.

But, I also told him that my children are, as Miss Birdie notes, "ASTOUNDING."

And, that they are.

And now, it is time for me to bear testimony.

God is real.

He, and our Heavenly Mother whom I love, know their children.

They know us intimately, deeply, personally.

They LOVE US.

As Becky Beck said weeks ago, God knew this would happen and He had a plan in place for us.

This is true without doubt.

I don't have faith that He is real.

I KNOW that He is real.

I know that His love for us is real.

I know that at the bottom of that human revine I have talked about over the last month is where we find Him and His real love for us.

There is not a person on this planet who can, alone, bring us the peace that He can.

I love Him and I love our Savior.

I am beyond grateful for our path.

It is not the path I would have chosen for my darn self, but it is our path.

There is purpose in our path, and as I set out to find that purpose, I do so prayerfully.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

 

The Weekend

It is finally Friday.

It has been a busy week, and the weekend is looking equally busy.

The dang weather makes for muddy paws all over our floors at home.

I look at it, get frustrated, then laugh and walk away.

Like, is it really THAT big of a deal.

Nope.

Colton has worked his first four shifts at McDonald's and I am so proud of him!
He is doing so well.

I am so grateful!

Kaydon is just the best helper with Colton, and with me.

I am immensely grateful to have his Priesthood in our home.

He and Colton will be helping me watch the babies tonight.

I can't wait for snuggles and giggles!

Braxton and Mia are busy all the time. 

Working and Mia schooling.

Jackson is busy with work and trying to find a way to start school.

The dogs basically eat, poop, and bark!

I get to have breakfast with Miss Birdie and T tomorrow.

I get to watch the babes tonight.

I get to have some personal time today AND tomorrow. 

I get to go and exercise my body and my mind.

I get to clean my home and make meals for my family.

Life is good.

 

Groomer

Gus has needed a grooming for a minute now.

Badly.

We can't find his dang shots records.

You know, moving for the umpteenth time can do that...

So, Braxton went to the good 'ole pet store yesterday and bought some grooming equipment.

He thought about putting the black drape on to make it official, then thought otherwise.

He did REALLY good actually.

I probably should have taken some after pictures.

I did not.

But, trust me.

It was a really good job!

Kaya gets shots tomorrow.

Joy.

And she gets groomed next week.

She will feel SO much better.

She is STILL on her dang period.

Once we get shots and a groom, hopefully she will be ready to be fixed!

 

Gloomy

This is my view today at my work spot.

It is super gloomy out there today!

It's freezing in here.

I'm wrapped in my Minky and a heating pad.

The day started off with no networks working.

No phones ringing.

Nothing.

Now, it's hopping.

But, still gloomy.

In good news, Braxton got sent home from work because of the wind.

So, he's here and I like that.

 

Walkin' and Lickin'

I have been getting silly looks from people at the gym for a long time now.

You know, walking in with my 44 ounce and all.

Now, there's just a few more as I jump on the treadmill to walk with my boot on...

Or do squats or deadlifts.

I have to go, though.

I have to do it for my mental health.

So, I'll take the looks!

This girl has a very large problem with personal space.

And, she seems to know when I'm on a Zoom call meeting.

This is what she does.

Every single time.

 

Colton Gets a Job!!

This one, though.

Colton will be 18 in August.

He has wanted a job BADLY since he turned 16.

He has applied repeatedly at multiple businesses.

He got a call from McDonalds on Friday and had an interview on Saturday.

He got the job!!!

He is SO excited.

We are so happy for him!

Colton is amazing and he will do amazing things there!

I can't wait for him to feel like he has even more independence.

He wants so badly to be just like Brothers!

He and Kaydon are already planning and budgeting for a California trip in August!

I cannot express how proud I am of him.

I love this boy moon-sized!!

 

Whoopsie

Stepped off our front porch step late yesterday afternoon.

My foot went one way and my leg and body went the other way.

I heard snap, crackle, pop and here I am...

In a wheelchair at Instacare.

I drove myself there!

Hopped through the parking lot and into the building like a boss!

The very nice doctor worked a long time to get my darn shoe off.

And, "WHOA, that is PURPLE!!!"

Yup.

X-rays show no break, however I have torn all tendons and ligaments from heel to toes.

Perfect!

Three weeks in a brace, then x-rays again once swelling goes down.

Until then..

Just another day in the life of Heidi!

 

Dinner Duties

I put Colton in charge of making dinner last night.

Lasagna and a Bacon Caesar Salad.

For the darn win!!

Yes, that is my living room floor rug drying over three kitchen table chairs. 

I am working on the fourth kitchen table chair.

Hard wood floor and tile is great with dogs.

Rugs are NOT great with dogs after it has rained/snowed.

Everything got washed AGAIN yesterday.

A small house has its challenges.

With five of us big people there.

Listen, sometimes I'm pooping while kids are showering.

One bathroom is HARD.

But, we are family!

 

Clingy Kaya

This is me.

Trying to work.

This is Kaya.

Not wanting me to work.

 

Training

Last night, I was asked to do a training via Zoom for our 400+ Fearless Beauties Team.

I have A LOT of fears...

Thankfully, speaking in public is not one of them.

I got over that fear about 11 years ago when I began working for RRH.

He would call on me to speak in really important meetings, with people I deemed "really important."

At first I thought that it was some cruel joke...

Why would anyone want to hear what I have to say?

Then, I realized he was validating me in the most kind way possible.

Since then, you can't shut this girl up!

I am so grateful for opportunities to speak in front of groups about things I am passionate about.

I enjoy the preparation part.

I enjoy the presentation part.

I love that I am not afraid.

I am the most extroverted introvert a person could ever meet!

 

Easter Weekend

There was A LOT going on this weekend.

Mama was a bit overwhelmed and had to put myself in timeout a few times!

Kaya came home!!!

She has started her first heat. 

Diapers are probably not her favorite thing, but they are VERY necessary.

Her sweet cousins, Finn and Ollie, already miss her!

Uncle Arlin and Auntie Cyd spoiled her rotten!!

I killed it on the Easter dinner.

I cooked my first ham and it was delicious!

Fruit salad, yummy yummy, and mashed potatoes with some chocolate silk pie wrapped it up!

I put together goodie bags for the nieces and nephews. 

The girlies got some hair ties, crafts, candy, and notebooks.

The boys got a slinkie and another toy.

No candy for the boys! They are allergic.

I played Risk with Jackson and Kaydon.

Oh yeah, Kaydon and Colton both came home on Sunday!
The home is full!

Sweet Molly finished up her craft and sent Auntie some pictures!

I loved, loved, loved Conference this weekend.

I swear that approximately a dozen talks were written just for me.

Now, I recognize that I'm not THAT important - but, they were.

They were incredible.

BE KIND.

Heavenly Father knows the details of the details of the details in our lives.

There is no time when we are closer to our Savior than in our trials.

Single people have just as much access to eternal life and blessings.

There is zero tolerance for abuse of ANY KIND. None. Zip. Zilch.

Get to know the Savior. KNOW HIM.

Seriously, be KIND.