A Dream

Ever since 11:45 am yesterday, I have been SO eager to hop on my blog and document the love of our Heavenly Father.

But, first.

Babies.

I went Friday afternoon to watch these two magical morsels. 

They continue to heal my heart and to brighten our darkest days.

Due to my foot being, well, broken...

I needed the help of my own babies.

Kaydon came right from work.

But, their mommy and daddy helped me with bath time and jammies before they left to pay their love and respect to Carrie's sweet grandma.

The babies have big boy beds now.

So, it requires us laying with them until they fall fast asleep.

I assigned myself to Anson (the easier).

Kaydon took on Asher.

As we each laid just feet from each other with each baby, I wept at the gratitude I felt in that moment.

Anson cuddled up into me as I tickled his back and his hand.

My Auntie Tonya used to tickle my hand and my arm when I was his age.

It soothed me and made me feel seen and loved.

I hoped he felt the same from his auntie.

I heard Kaydon giggle now and then, trying not to let Asher know that he was hilarious.

Then, as Anson went to dreamland I turned to see how Kaydon was managing with Asher.

I saw my 18 year old boy, cuddled up with his cousin who trusts him and loves him.

Asher kept a hand on Kaydon, while he sucked his other thumb and held on tight to his blankie.

Soon, he too was in dream land.

We walked out of the room and Kaydon told me I could go and he would stay.

Kaydon had worked a long shift, and would be picking up Colton from work late.

I told him to go on ahead.

In that moment, I had such deep gratitude for my boy.

And his love.

And his respect.

Saturday, Miss Birdie picked me up to drive to Sandy.

We met T there for breakfast.

There I sat with these two superstars who God knew would walk this path with me.

Oh, how I love them.

I laughed and I marveled at the two of them.

My favorite part, though, was the car ride with Miss Birdie.

It has been well over a decade since she and I had one-on-one time.

We both cried as we talked and listened to one another.

And, then I listened to myself as I testified to her of many truths I have learned and re-learned over the last month.

Oh, how I love them both.

And now...

A dream.

Yesterday, Kaydon, Colton and I attended our new ward for the first time.

Afterwards, we went to the bishop's office.

He met with all of three of us together.

He asked many questions of my boys: 

Their goals, hobbies, school, work, Kaydon's mission papers, etc.

Kaydon took a moment to thank him for taking interest in our family, mentioning that previous bishops have not been like that and it has been disheartening.

Bishop Willis assured him that he IS interested in them and will continue to be so.

Kaydon noted that he appreciated that.

Then, Bishop Willis asked, "So, what brings you to our ward?"

It was my turn to speak.

"My husband was having an affair."
Bishop Willis became visibly emotional.

Kaydon noted, "And, it's the third time this has happened... all different men. Call it bad luck, maybe?"

Bishop Willis was emotional.

Kaydon tried to break the ice, "Did you have any more questions for us?"

Bishop Willis said, "I'd like to talk to your mom alone, please."

Kaydon and Colton told me they would be right outside the door. I nodded.

As they closed the door, this happened:

Heidi, I had a dream.

In it, I saw a woman who was finding out that her husband had been unfaithful, having an affair.

In that moment, Heavenly Father allowed me to feel her pain.

I felt the physical pain of this woman.

This woman, I see now, is you.

I am so, so very sorry for the pain you felt and are feeling. I felt only a portion of it, but oh, the pain. 

That woman was you. And you are here.

I had this dream about a month ago.

I thanked him for being willing to feel that pain.

I told him that it has been devastating, painful.

Today is the one month mark of what all of this went down.

Bishop, there is no other word in the English language to describe our finding this home besides "miracle."

It was not listed.

Dakota Beck texted his mom, my Becky Beck, who contacted us.

It was available that day.

I had received stimulus money to pay the deposit and the rent.

They allowed our dogs, which is critical for my children.

This is where we are supposed to be.

He added, "There's more. There was a family all set to move in the week before you. Somehow, some way, it fell through."

I told him that even though I would never, ever want to experience this pain again, it is through this pain, through this shattering of souls that we can feel Heavenly Father's love for us in a way nothing else can make us feel that love.

I never want to be without this Spirit.

Ever.

He went on to ask about our needs.

Again, I thanked him.

I told him that I am not sure why my children must go through these challenges again and again.

I told him that it is that part of these things that destroys me.

But, I also told him that my children are, as Miss Birdie notes, "ASTOUNDING."

And, that they are.

And now, it is time for me to bear testimony.

God is real.

He, and our Heavenly Mother whom I love, know their children.

They know us intimately, deeply, personally.

They LOVE US.

As Becky Beck said weeks ago, God knew this would happen and He had a plan in place for us.

This is true without doubt.

I don't have faith that He is real.

I KNOW that He is real.

I know that His love for us is real.

I know that at the bottom of that human revine I have talked about over the last month is where we find Him and His real love for us.

There is not a person on this planet who can, alone, bring us the peace that He can.

I love Him and I love our Savior.

I am beyond grateful for our path.

It is not the path I would have chosen for my darn self, but it is our path.

There is purpose in our path, and as I set out to find that purpose, I do so prayerfully.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.