Half Day

Thank goodness for Half-Day-Wednesdays.

Guys, come in close for this one...

I am not in a good place right now.

And here I am coaching about worth.

And I am failing at living in my own!

All the thoughts and emotions are a bit heavy right now.

Okay, they are a lotta bit heavy right now.

I realized, however, that in this very uncomfortable season I am learning and growing and doing all of those things that I literally hate doing!!!!

Moreover...

When we are doing what we are meant to do, Satan jumps in knee deep and does his best to destroy you.

Satan,

Hi, it's me.

You know me well.

You've done well with me for 44 years.

I'd say I hate your guts, but you don't have any.

Or balls.

Or shoulders.

Or any of the things that I would love to kick you in because you don't even have a damn body.

So, back the hell up.

This girl isn't going anywhere.

Sincerely, 

Me

I have been spewing my emotions to the people who love me.

See me.

Hear me.

And, still love me.

I'm not completely unlovable, come to find out.

I am here to coach worth.

To coach living in our worth.

And, I'm still here... living in my own as I discover what it all is.

 

Auntie & Chloe Date

Chloe.

Confident.

Kind.

Smart. 

Fierce.

Creative.

Loving.

We went to Farmington Station, ate some yummy food then walked around the Farmer's Market and shops.

This little eleven year old girl is finding who she is, and doing it with transparency and integrity.

Oh, how I love her!

 

Nature-ing

I did some nature-ing this weekend.

Friday night it was Monte Cristo.

Oh my goodness...

The meadows of wild flowers - YELLOW wild flowers!

Purple and orange, yes.

But, the yellow ones are out of this world.

The Aspen trees are incredible.

The deer.

The birds.

The cooler temperatures.

Yesterday, I natured at Antelope Island.

The bison.

The buffalo.

The antelope.

The sage brush.

The salty smell.

This mama needed some nature.

 

Alright, Fine

This is me this morning.

Ready to attempt this Friday.

At around 9 am, I was on the phone, telling someone that I was trying VERY hard to be professional today.

Xavier laughed OUT LOUD.

I can't really blame him.

Tomorrow, I have an Auntie Date with Miss Chloe.

I get to put some makeup on a gorgeous girl!

And, maybe fights??

Oh, and Mr. Watkins and Beyta and probably Coors Light and Big Larry attached the front bumper to the Honda so it no longer requires a bungee cord.

In the midst of doing that, they noticed that at any moment, two of my tires could blow out and informed me that Braxton needed to clean out my Chevy stat.

So, I'm back to driving my cute little stick shift!

Happy Weekend!

 

Dude

Fact.

Although, with my boys it's "DUDE!"

I went from Ma to Mama to Mommy to Mom/Ma/Mommy to Dude.

I'll take it.

Yesterday when I left work at noon, I went and played with the babes.

They had just been to the Zoo with their parents.

Anson loves the animals.

Asher loves the splash pad, otters and train.

I got my hair cut yesterday...

It's the little things, People!

Like having someone wash your hair!!!

Morgan is our girl. 

She and her family are moving to Japan in October.

I feel like I'm going to have to grieve that loss, too.

Then, I watched baseball and colored and colored and watched baseball!

Oh, and Kaydon brought me home some ice cream.

So I colored and watched baseball whilst smiling about my ice cream!

 

Distracted Primary

 My Becky Beck's son and daughter-in-law live in our ward.

They are a large part of the miracle that took place with getting us to where we are!

Jenna sits right behind me in Primary.

For some reason, when she walked in on Sunday I felt the need to ask how Emmy was... even though I had just talked to Becky the night before.

Jenna's face went pale.

She said she was just getting ready to tell me that things were not good...

Emmy's placenta was abrupting. The baby and Emmy were in danger.

Neither of us could focus.

We were staring at our phones, just a foot or two away from each other... waiting for any update and praying our guts out!

Becky was texting both of us.

Thankfully, miracles took place on Sunday.

Emmy was already in the hospital with her preeclampsia. 

She and the baby are SO good!

Little Maisie will be NICUing it for a bit, but  she is here and healthy!

In other news, this beautiful beaded sign was left on our porch over the weekend.

It's amazing!!!

And, it's my half-day.

I get to Auntie, work out, and get my hair cut!

Ashy

I REALLY love this picture that Brandon caught...

Me holding Ashy.

He may not be able to speak yet, but he communicates exactly what he wants and needs and his hugs and loves lately have been exactly what MY soul needs!

He gives the best squeezes.

The best loves.

He is the most amazing little Asher I know.

And, Anson...

The baby LOVES Anson time!

He thought the hat was cool for about 27 seconds, then not so much!

 

The Weekend

Saturday morning, I asked Peanut if he'd like to go grocery shopping with me.

A couple of things about Braxton:

He is the biggest gentleman.

There is still not a day that goes by that he does not open car doors and building doors for me or Mia.

He opens the car door, makes sure I don't throw my hip out whilst getting into his truck, then unloads the groceries while I sit in an air conditioned car.

He hauls around the cart.

He does all of the checking out.

He treats me, Mia, and all women SO good.

We got to celebrate Anson's 4th birthday on Saturday!
We met at Everbowl, in Farmington Station.

If you have not been there - GO!
It's freaking delicious... and healthy!
I had the vanilla, which is supposed to help you poop.

Winner!

Kaydon and Mia had to work, and we missed them!

Anson is such a cheeser!

He said, "Happy Boythday" to everyone who would listen!!

Asher wasn't interested in the healthy ice cream, so his daddy walked him over to the fountains instead.

Here is the inside of the truck that I about throw my hip out each time I get into!!!

Sunday, it was just the two of us knuckleheads churching. 

Colton was working, like the money-making kiddo he is!

Kaydon cracks me up on the regular. 

I'm going to miss these moments!!!!

 

Live In Worth

Remember the guy who pranced down the aisle in the Sacrament Meeting Chapel with a kite tied to the back of his head and streamers flying gloriously behind him as he approached the pulpit about a month ago? 

He was my person.

Remember my three year old orange-headed Julia in my church class who just wants to dance with wonder to the songs being sung reverently, as if her version of praising is to do so with dance and in a very irreverent manner?

She is my person.

That guy who generally sits four rows below me at Bees games, drinking far too much alcoholic beverages, and YELLING: "Here we go Bee's" over and over and over until someone, anyone joins him in the chant to rally his beloved team?

He is my person.

My Kali who just received five children, aged 8, 6, 4, 1, and 2 weeks old on Tuesday - to add to the four she already has because her sister is currently a lost soul who has no desire to raise her children in a home, with water and food and clothes...

She is my person.

These are my people.

I have been working diligently on my content for my current 3-part Live In Worth Series for girls, ages 11-17.

I am on currently working on the third class and I feel stalled.

So, I talked to the Father about it yesterday a few times and asked Him to pick up the scraps that I've put down on paper and make them come together.

I always ask Him, and Jesus, when I talk to Them morning and night, to help me to see the girls (Their girls) who I will be talking to.

Help me to see them.

Hear them.

Know them.

LOVE them.

Help me to write content for THEM, specifically.

They are my people.

This morning, as I read what Lehi wrote to Jacob (his first born in the wilderness) I made note that I would really like for the Father to consecrate my afflictions for gain.

For my gain and for others' gain.

I'd really like that.

 

Dominican Republic, Santo Domingo West Mission

Kaydon opened his mission call last night, via cell phone.

I did a Facebook Live, Jackson had the great-grandparents on a face time, and Colton had my father on his phone. I think a friend had the Gailey's on theirs.

I don't know, but people were able to watch it, nonetheless.

Kim Kupfer showed up.

This was SO awesome because Kaydon was saying how he was bummed that the Kupfers couldn't be there since they've moved to Japan.

Kim and the kids flew in on Sunday.

He gave her the biggest hug!

Kaydon's nana and pops, Auntie Cyd and Uncle Arlin, the boys' dad, the Polands, and a lot of Kaydon's friends were there.

It was great.

Powerful.

Kaydon has been called to the Dominican Republic Santo Domingo West Mission.

It is Spanish-speaking.

He enters the "online MTC" on November 6th.

There is hope that he will actually be able to go to an MTC location by November.

Either way, he is SO excited!

 

Twisted

I cried myself to sleep for a second night in a row.

I also had a very frank discussion with God.

I laid on my bedroom floor and sobbed.

Not a good look, People.

And, my lash girl is booked until my appointment NEXT Thursday.

Heaven help us all.

I got up and looked at my phone, nauseous and seeing double because my brain is over this.

There was a Marco Polo from my Victoria.

I don't even know if T knew she had her phone.

She told me that she loved me and that she missed me and that she loved me some more and that she thinks I'm going to her house Saturday and that she loves me and that she is happy and that everyone in her house is asleep, so she called her Auntie Heidi.

Suddenly, I felt loved.

My Becky Beck Marco'd me late last night, as she was leaving Emmy (who is in the hospital for a potentially long stay because her pregnancy has taken a turn).

That woman always knows EXACTLY where to guide me or what podcast I need or what boundaries I need to establish.

And I listen to her because she is HOLY.

This morning, I had to put cloths on my eyes to get them to open.

Not a good look, People.

I got ready-ish.

Drove myself to Twisted Sugar and waited for my drink.

I love those kids.

Fun fact: I got like $50 in Twisted Sugar gift cards for my birthday.

My people really know me!

Tonight is all about Kaydon.

It's all about his future, his next step, his purpose.

It is about him.

I can't wait to find out his next step.

I am honored to be his mom.

I also get to go to the spa.

Jackson hooked me up with three hours at the spa today, and I'm grateful.

Also, Mia took care of Colton last night who needed a ride home from work because he was sick.

Today, I am so thankful for Sis.

 

Hard is Hard

The last few days have been hard.

And, hard is hard.

It's not fun.

It's not joyful.

And, please don't say: "Well, you can choose joy," because I will tell you to pound sand.

Hard is NORMAL.

It's actually something that we all go through.

We need to stop making people feel bad for their hard times.

Hard is hard.

Last night, it boiled over.

I sobbed.

I made my way to Kaydon's room and told him I needed a blessing.

He got dressed (I have boys, People) and came into my room, asking what was going on.

I told him that I am really fighting my addiction right now.

I have had numerous triggers over the last five or six days and I am fighting with everything I have to not run to temporary validation.

Last Friday, Kaydon and I discussed the Proclamation of the Family.

For the first time, I told him (I've never told anyone) how I feel about this document.

Which is: It does not pertain to me, or a lot of people for that matter. That document doesn't talk about my situation, my family, my life.

I don't disagree with it.

It just doesn't talk about me, so it doesn't hang in my home.

Kaydon was interested, and understanding, of my feelings.

Last night, he asked me to pull it up again.

He had me highlight a part:

"Fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families."

He then asked me to not think of this as if it is speaking about earthly parents, but rather heavenly parents.

He said that Heavenly Father is doing a great job as the "Father."

I felt calm and comfort.

I opted to cry myself to sleep, and then stayed in dream land for 12 hours.

I woke up ready to try this again.

My schedule book today has one thing on it:
"Just make it through the day."

And, that's okay.

In other news, this girl is going to miss her KK!

 

Birthday Baseball

My birthday weekend was just the absolute greatest.

I only have pictures of the baseball game, which was epic!

I woke up Friday morning to a huge bouquet of flowers and a Twisted Sugar Lindy Hop, courtesy of Kaydon.

I worked out.

I got my nails painted.

(Both the gym folks and the salon folks sang 'Happy Birthday' to me!)

Kaydon and I went to the baseball game.

Then, we met up with Braxton, Mia, and Colton for a very late dinner.

Saturday, I had breakfast with my sisters and brother-in-law!

Scone at Sill's, Yo!

Then I went and played with the babies.

I went grocery shopping, then colored and watched the fights!

Sunday, I played with my three-year-olds then had an awesome workout.

And then I colored some more!!!!!

 

Birthday Week

So far, it's been a great week!

Look at this card from my Kalynn!!!!!

Is this not the most perfect thing?!

Gymming.

Oh, working my body and my mind is such a blessing!

Yellow flowers and the most amazing framed quote from my lash girl!

Donuts (apple fritters) from my Xavier!

Colton took me on a date to Garcia's, paid for dinner and bought me this beautiful bracelet!!

Oh, I love watching this boy bloom and blossom.

 I get to go to a baseball game with my Kaydon tonight; breakfast with my sisters tomorrow morning; play with the babies after that; fights on Saturday night; dinner in Tokyo on Sunday night with my T and her family!!!!