Hard is Hard

The last few days have been hard.

And, hard is hard.

It's not fun.

It's not joyful.

And, please don't say: "Well, you can choose joy," because I will tell you to pound sand.

Hard is NORMAL.

It's actually something that we all go through.

We need to stop making people feel bad for their hard times.

Hard is hard.

Last night, it boiled over.

I sobbed.

I made my way to Kaydon's room and told him I needed a blessing.

He got dressed (I have boys, People) and came into my room, asking what was going on.

I told him that I am really fighting my addiction right now.

I have had numerous triggers over the last five or six days and I am fighting with everything I have to not run to temporary validation.

Last Friday, Kaydon and I discussed the Proclamation of the Family.

For the first time, I told him (I've never told anyone) how I feel about this document.

Which is: It does not pertain to me, or a lot of people for that matter. That document doesn't talk about my situation, my family, my life.

I don't disagree with it.

It just doesn't talk about me, so it doesn't hang in my home.

Kaydon was interested, and understanding, of my feelings.

Last night, he asked me to pull it up again.

He had me highlight a part:

"Fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families."

He then asked me to not think of this as if it is speaking about earthly parents, but rather heavenly parents.

He said that Heavenly Father is doing a great job as the "Father."

I felt calm and comfort.

I opted to cry myself to sleep, and then stayed in dream land for 12 hours.

I woke up ready to try this again.

My schedule book today has one thing on it:
"Just make it through the day."

And, that's okay.

In other news, this girl is going to miss her KK!