Deconstructing with Rachel

Rachel.

I have known her since I was 15.
We were in the same LDS (mormon) ward.

She is one year younger than me.

I always just adored her.

After a failed relationship (LDS-sealed marriage), Rachel brought me a white envelope filled with Laffy Taffy wrappers.

Nothing else.

Just joke after joke to read.

At the same time, I was receiving letters from people who were telling me that they could no longer be my friend because we were no longer the same.

I was also receiving a lot of judgement and "advice" from those around me.

I have never forgotten what Rachel did almost 30 years ago.

She saw me. She loved me. 

Obviously a lot of time has gone by since then.

Rachel married and had four amazing children.

I had her youngest in nursery a LONG time ago.

I married.

Divorced.

Repeat.

Had four amazing children.

Raised four amazing children.

Desperately tried to live up to all of the hopes and dreams that those around me had for me.

That would be a "successful LDS marriage."

Didn't happen.

For forty plus years, I was a disappointment.

I only knew what I'd been taught.

At 42, I met Katryna after I was threatened to have my children taken away by "well-meaning 'loved ones'" and an LDS bishop.

I spent a LOT Of time deconstructing my life, who I actually am, feelings & emotions, what I'd been taught, what I hadn't been taught, expectations, etc.

A LOT of time.

A LOT of learning.

A LOT of work.

Stripping my soul raw, then rebuilding.

Getting to know me.

Apologizing to my babies (who are not babies anymore) for not being everything they needed in a single parent, in a mom. Apologizing to myself for going about my goals and my needs in a manner that wasn't healthy.

Showing myself grace.

Starting over.

I have spent the last couple of years really honing into that. 

Recently, Rach began posting about her own deconstruction process (hers having to do with the LDS Church).

Oh, how I love her.

Her words are profound, beautiful, sensitive, confident.

She is brave and strong and articulate.

If you would like to read about her process regarding the LDS (mormon) Church and her relationship therein, I would recommend you do.

https://www.facebook.com/rachel.k.larsen.1

To be clear, I am no longer active in the LDS Church.

I believe strongly that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother who love me.

I believe strongly in communicating with God.

I do it daily, multiple times throughout the day.

I believe in forever families.

However, I don't believe that forever families are restricted to those in this Church who have a piece of paper.

I believe that our Heavenly Parents want us to have joy.

They want us to be in healthy, committed, honest, loyal, joyful, safe, loving relationships.

That's what they want for us for forever.

I believe in serving others - loving others, holding space for others, supporting them where they are... not where the Church tells me they need to be in order to be "worthy" of blessings.

I believe that we are worthy regardless.

Because we were born.

We are lovable AND loved simply because we are who we are.

I believe that we are innately lovable and loved.

If we aren't, then we are around the wrong dang people.

I believe that we are a feeling, emotional creature.

I believe that our feelings and emotions are valid.

There are no "bad" feelings that come from evil sources.

They are just feelings.

We are not "bad" because we question or fear or get frustrated or form boundaries.

I once questioned a document put out by the Church leaders regarding families.

It is called a "Proclamation."

I questioned where I, and my family, were represented in the Proclamation, declaring what families are and what they should be.

I was told that it came from God and should not be questioned.

Soooo, Heavenly Father doesn't recognize me and my family because I'm a single mom??

I'm sorry.

The God that I have a relationship with does recognize me and my family.

I once questioned why the lessons taught weekly to the youth and the women in the Church was directed to home and "family," to exclude single parents.

I was told that God sees families as a husband and a wife.

Soooo, no one should learn about the beauty of single-parent families, homosexual families, single people??

I'm sorry.

The God I have a relationship with does recognize all of His children.

No one is excluded in His mind.

I 100% support my kids, and their beliefs.

Agency is such a beautiful, precious thing.

I love my family.

I love my friends.

Regardless of their beliefs.

So long as I can have a safe, loving, respectful, loyal relationship with them and they with me.

I am not anti-church or anti-religion.

I believe that we all have the right to choose for ourselves what is right for us.

With love,

Heidi