Can I bail?

Do you ever just want to bail?

Do you ever just want to throw in the towel and call it good for now?

Do you ever just wonder what more your weary shoulders can possibly handle?

I'm at that point.

I'm at my breaking point and I know it and there just isn't a lot I can do about it.

So, I try to comfort my children and keep my prayers to, "I need you."

Kaydon has been having severe abdominal pain for about a week and a half.

Tuesday night, he was at work and could not take it anymore.

He came home and to the ER/Instacare/Layton Hospital we went.

They've seen us three times in May and once last month.

It's getting ridiculous.

They could see that he was in a lot of pain.

They did a CT scan and found kidney stones in both kidneys. 

Kaydon is quite young for this to be happening. 

They also feel that there are issues within his GI system, but his medical history is very scary to doctors who are not familiar with these issues.

His nissen is still in tact, which is very important.

If it comes undone, that is life threatening. 

After he passes the stones, we will make an appointment with his specialist, the AMAZING Dr. Mizell. He will then have tests done to see what else is going on in his amazing body.

For now, he is on medication to open up his ureters and pain medicine to be able to live through it.

For now, we wait.

Colton's ER Visit

After we got home from the ER on Friday night, Colton got to watch the Lego Movie for the umpteenth time in Mama's room.

Friday, Jackson called me with Colton SCREAMING in the background. Braxton had just jammed a toothpick into Colton's thigh to "pop a thing" that was on his thigh. Jackson was squeezing the infection out. Mama headed home to take care of the aftermath. When I arrived, Colton was throwing up and it was clear that I needed to take him to the ER. When you have an autistic child who also has ADHD, anxiety, and learning disabilities, the ER is not some where you wish to go to. He didn't want shoes on so we went without. The staff was incredibly awesome.

While the doctor did an ultrasound on his thigh, they gave him a wash rag to take apart. He was so brave. Turns out, he has Staff. Most of his left thigh is infected. Jackson was able to get all but 8 mm of the puss out. The doctor was incredibly impressed that he was able to do that and that Colton was able to take it. The doctor explained that abscesses are so painful.

They sent us home with a very strong antibiotic, Zofran for vomiting and instructions to take four baths a day - which Colton loves!

I am so done with hospitals.

Sweet Braxton

Sometimes I have to remind myself that Heavenly Father never gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes it's harder to remember that than others.

Saturday morning, Braxton woke me up and told me that he had a lump and pain in this groin area. He said he needed to see a doctor. Josh was at wrestling practice, so I got ready and we headed to InstaCare. Once there, and having waited for a half hour or so, they came out and told us that we needed to go to the emergency room. I called Josh, who was just pulling in to InstaCare, and told him we needed to head to the hospital. Off we went to Davis Hospital. The ER was relatively slow, or at least it seemed that way. The doctors and nurses came in and looked at Braxton (with Mom out of the room) and then did some ultra sounds. It was found that he has an infection, and some other problems that must be looked at by a Urologist.

Braxton had some issues when he was an infant. He has had two operations for these issues. We thought everything was taken care of, and under control. Poor kid isn't quite done with trials. We will be getting into a Urologist as soon as possible. Unfortunately, or fortunately, this doesn't have anything to do with his other health problems. Those also need to be resolved as soon as possible.

Prayers for my Peanut.

Anything Is Possible

In August of 2010, almost five years ago, I was hospitalized for many issues. I was not hospitalized because I wanted to be! I was blue-sheeted. That means the hospital took guardianship of me. It was not awesome. I had texted my dear, sweet sister from another mister, Sarah, and told her that I was done. Over the next couple of hours, I would define her behavior and language with me as being "tough love." Or something. She was not happy with me. But she loved me. And I knew that. I don't remember 95% of the details from that time. I was heavily medicated and extremely sedated. I was not in the right frame of mind, clearly. I had allowed years and years and years of sadness and hurt and abuse to build up. I had decided that making bad choices was completely acceptable because making good choices didn't get me anywhere. I was absolutely, completely broken. Picture a windshield that is completely shattered. That was me. I missed my boys' first day of school that year. I was inpatient, with a daily schedule that included waking up, making my bed that was bolted to the ground, eating the breakfast that the doctors had ordered for me (along with a Boost drink), being given my medication through a window, attending five one-hour counseling sessions, being checked over by a physician, being checked by a psychiatrist, painting during recreational therapy, eating lunch, dinner, and a nighttime snack (all ordered by my physician), being weighed at 4 am, having a flashlight in my face every 15 minutes from 9 pm to 7 am, seeing visitors who would come see me between 7 pm and 8 pm, watching sports with my next door neighbor, Timmy, and coloring. When I was admitted, I weighed 103 pounds. I was told that I had to weigh 120 pounds within a week and that I had to keep it on or I would be re-admitted. I was put on medication that worked for my depression and anxiety. I painted crafts for my kids. I talked to them everyday. My brother came to take me home when I was discharged. I remember being terrified when I walked outside. I was no longer in my "safe" place. I would make a few more big mistakes over the next year, but I figured it out. I did it. I survived. I am here and I am good! I have remained at 120 pounds for almost five years! I have never had another thought of suicide. I have learned what my triggers are, what my resources are, and how to live life in the best, most safe way possible. None of this would have been possible without Sarah. That night, on August 18, she saved my life. Literally. Yes, she sent the police. Yes, she sent a patient advocate. Yes, she called my parents. But, she made sure I lived. And, I did. The night after I arrived, she came to see me. She brought me two shirts. I wore them the rest of the time. She saw in me what I could not see in myself. Today, I received a package. It included a notebook and a card. The card explained that she had kept a log of our text messages back and forth the night of the 18th. It said that it was now my time to do with it what I wanted. I read every one of them. I was so close to dying that night that it's scary. But I didn't. She never, ever left me. Ever. This notebook is a reminder that life can be so very hard, in fact at times it can seem like death is the only option. But - it is not. It isn't. I have never doubted that Heavenly Father put people in our path to help us through times that were going to seem bigger than we could handle. He knew I would need Sarah. I love her eternally. She is my angel. The front of the card reads, "At any given moment, you have the power to say, 'This is NOT how the story is going to end.'" My story didn't end.

Peanut Update & Diversion

It's been quite an eventful few days for us! Braxton has now had four rounds of blood work since Wednesday, and an ultrasound on his kidneys. The lab work that was done for the depression appointment showed some problems with his kidney levels. We repeated labs on Friday and there were more concerning numbers. Yesterday, we repeated labs again and had the ultrasound on both kidneys and his bladder. This kid is done with blood work! He is so over it, but he has been a trooper! We don't have an official diagnosis yet, therefore I am telling him as little as possible. He knows that lab work has shown some weird numbers when it comes to his kidneys, and that's about it. The lab work also showed some serious problems with his parathyroid, as well as his body's lack of ability to absorb iron. We are dealing with the kidney issues first and foremost, since they are the most serious and dangerous. Braxton is at school today, and I am at work! Yay! We need to get back to a routine. We did everything we could this weekend to divert our attention from the scary things. We went bowling and played. Braxton wanted to spend Saturday with Josh, so Josh took him to his wrestling tournament with him all day. Braxton said it was the best day ever! He was SO happy when he came home. Onward and upward!