I Still Choose You

Dear Jackson, Braxton, Kaydon, and Colton:

And I'd do it all over again just to have you. I choose you today and I'll choose you for forever. Mommy loves you!

Love Notes

I love notes. I love to write my kids notes. I love to send them texts in the middle of the day to remind them that I love them. I love to write my Josh notes and remind him that he is better than he thinks and that I am grateful for him.

Brooklyn gave me this note/drawing that she made last week. She gave it to me after a 16-hour work day. I have a lot of those. I have them at least five days a week now. Her note says, "How is work?" and "I love you mom." I have it hanging next to my desk. It reminds me why I am here, why I am doing what I am doing.

I always pictured myself as a stay-at-home, full-time mom. It was my dream. I always thought of that as such a righteous desire. It is what is talked about in General Conference, in Sacrament Meeting talks, in Relief Society lessons. We, as women, are taught that our primary role is that of wife, mother, and homemaker. It is our responsibility to be those things and to be the very best at them as possible.

I am a wife and a mother. But, it's not my primary role. As much as I want it to be, it's not. My present boss, and my previous boss both talk about their wives, who are at home with their children every day. They talk about how they volunteer in their classrooms, they go to their school presentations, events, and parties, they take them to their doctor appointments, they are home with their children when they are sick, they are there when they get home to cook for them and help them with homework. They take them on field trips. They fix cookies for them and with them. They make sure they have their hair combed and their teeth brushed. They make their home clean - both physically and spiritually.

I can't do any of that. I can't attend my children's school events. I can't stay home with them when they are sick. I can't make sure their hair is combed and their teeth are brushed. I don't get to go on field trips. I am at work. My time - almost all of my time is spent at work, away from them, serving other people. I am not there to make their lunches for the next day. They make their own. I am not there to do their laundry. They do their own. I am not there to help with homework. They do it themselves. I am not there to welcome them home and comfort them when they've had an off day. I am not there to wipe their tears, fill there tummies with homemade cookies, hear all about their days. And. It. Kills. Me.

That has not been my walk through this life. Mine has been the need to work and to support my family. My prayer every day is the Heavenly Father makes up for what I cannot give to my children. I don't work two jobs to have nice cars, vacations, extras of any kind. I work two jobs to literally put food on the table for my children. I work two jobs to put gas in the car. I work two jobs to buy shoes for my kids. I do it out of necessity. I do it because I can't ask Heavenly Father to help me if I am not giving it all that I have. I am literally giving it all that I have. I have nothing left to give.

I pray that my children will know that Mommy loves them. I pray they will know that I missed them more than words can ever describe. I hate that all of the mothers are there for school events, but when they look out in the crowd, their mom is never there. It kills me. I hope they know I so wanted to be there. I hope they know that I wanted to be there when they left in the morning and when they got home at night. I hope they know that I wanted to come eat lunch with them now and then. I hope they know that my desires were righteous, but that it wasn't the plan for me.

I hope they know that they have all of my love.

Inboxes

One of the hardest things about switching jobs was that I could do my previous job in my sleep, and sometimes I did. I knew that job inside and out. I knew who my resources were and because of that, I was really efficient. I had down time. Another thing that was hard about leaving that job was that I knew everyone, and I loved them. I still love them. Coming to a new job where I know no one and nothing has been a huge challenge for me. I have kept it together pretty good, but inside I'm bursting and feeling overwhelmed. My inbox is ALWAYS full and my to-do list is never-ending. This morning, however, I walked in to this:

That's my kind of inbox! I work with just the greatest people. There isn't any drama. Ever. Everyone works hard and gets their work done. Everyone has been so patient with me and so kind to sit with me through all of my note-taking. I have gone through multiple pads of paper. I'm getting it, but it's slow-going. I can't wait for the day when I feel like I get it! But today, I'm grateful for some thoughtful hearts who filled my inbox with Diet Coke... just because.

Changing Directions Is Hard To Do

Last Thursday was my last day at SLCC. I worked there for eight years and I loved it. It was home to me. I had the privilege of working with some of the greatest people. I loved my eLearning family and my boss was one of my best friends. It was time for a change, though. Two hours in the car everyday is no bueno. I was no longer loving my job and knew that it was time to move on with a new adventure. I was offered a position at Ogden City, in the Public Ways and Parks Division. I started on Friday. My office had a going-away reception for me on Wednesday. The only picture I have is of the brownies. ;)

I started on Friday and quickly learned that there are great people in my new office! Throughout this process, I never had a feeling of peace and calm. I never really felt that I was making the right decision. But Josh did and I trusted him. I'm so glad I did. As soon as I arrived on Friday, I KNEW that the decision was the right one.

I'm Going To See The Temple

And I cannot wait.

Home Cookin'

On Saturday, I pulled out my baking goods and made two homemade loaves of white bread. It took all flipping day, which I was not expecting. The raising, then the kneading, then the mixing, then the cutting, then the raising. I was getting a wee bit impatient, but I made it through and so did the bread and it was SO good!!! Josh and the kids were quite proud of me. I was too! Then, Sunday I made a loaf of banana bread. It was gone in minutes. I am becoming domestic, People!