Holding Hands

Brandon asked me to help with the babes yesterday while their momma worked.

He had planned to go to a splash pad.

They always do an activity outside of the house in the mornings, then stay home in the afternoons.

The first splash pad was a bummer.

The boys didn't want anything to do with it.

I think there were too many big kids there.

We loaded them up and tried a different splash pad, but it wasn't working.

So, the playground in swim clothes it was!

Anson decided that holding Auntie's hand in the car is awesome.

Auntie can't possibly think of anything better!!!

 

He's A Real Boy Now

Jackson bought a car.

It has a name, which I cannot spell nor pronounce because it is not in a language that I can spell or pronounce.

But, isn't she pretty?

He said, "Ma! I wasn't even planning on buying a car that day! I drove by, saw it and went in to ask questions about it. Next thing I knew, I was signing A LOT of paperwork!!!"

She is purdy!

And, he's so big now!!!

 

Kaya Girl

Kaya Marlie has zero boundaries.

None.

And because she has none, she assumes no other living being as any either.

She's LARGE.

Tall and big.

She thinks she is a lap dog.

She is not a lap dog.

However, she makes herself into a lap dog.

Yesterday, my bedroom door was cracked ever so slightly.

I looked over and saw an eye ball.

I said, "Kaya, are you stalking me??"

She immediately opened the door and came right in and this is what happened.

She is a blessing.

Last night, she was snuggled with Colton on the couch.

She is so protective of her boys.

She is loving and funny and goofy.

Kaya Marlie, thanks for coming to our family.

 

Live In Your Worth

I was reading a book a couple of months ago.

The author was talking about a time when she was sitting in a book signing for the book she wrote about motherhood.

A lady came by, looked at the books on the table and asked, "What makes YOU an expert on motherhood?"

The author was a bit shocked.

She responded with, "Nothing does. That's why I wrote it."

I have asked myself over the past two weeks, "What makes ME an expert on worth?" 

"Who am I to coach others on worth?"

...especially when I have been in such an emotionally dark place recently...

Then it was placed upon my heart: THIS is exactly WHY YOU are doing it.

I know what it's like to struggle with my worth, not know from where it came, not know how to live within it comfortably and with joy and certainty.

I know what it's like to not want to be here anymore.

I know what it's like to struggle with an addiction to validation.

I know what it's like to desperately search for answers.

And, I have them.

That's why I have been prompted to do this.

This afternoon is my first Zoom Coaching series with young women.

I can't wait to be the faucet, with the Lord as the water source.

Together we STILL rise.

And live in our worth.

 

Outta Bed Twice

The Holiday Weekend.

I basically got out of my bed twice.

Saturday night, Kaydon asked me if he could take me to dinner.

Jackson was up at our house, so I had an amazing date with Bubba and Buddha.

I LOVE those moments.

The boys, and Mia, are planning a California trip for late October - right before Kaydon goes on his mission.

Disneyland is in the plans.

So fun!

Sunday, I didn't leave my room.

Braxton went and got me ice cream because it was the only thing I felt wouldn't hurt my throat even more.

I watched a LOT of baseball and laid in my own sickness.

Monday, I showered and washed my bedding.

SO big!

Colton walked with me to the park for Liberty Days at Layton Park.

We lasted less than an hour and went home, where I spent the remainder of my weekend in my bed.

And, guess what?

It's OK!

 

Thankful for Friday

I made it.

WE made it.

It's Friday.

Today, I am safe.

I am exhausted.

I am completely drained.

I feel good today.

We just keep going.

Satan doesn't get to have the last say.

We are the ones with bodies.

We are the ones who can constantly have God as our companion.

So, fight.

Loves, these feelings are just feelings.

Our worth is no less when we have them.

Our value does not go down when we have them.

Take a minute and ask yourself:

Am I tired?

Am I hungry?

Am I sad?
Am I mad?
Am I overwhelmed?

Am I dealing with trauma?

Do I need to move my body?

Do I need to cry?

Do I need to lay down in a dark room?

Do I need to call someone who loves me?

Do I need to set some additional boundaries?

And say to yourself:

I am a daughter of God.

I am worthy of love.

I am okay.

Everything can change in a day.

Breathe in light and love.

Breathe out fear and sadness and anger.

Breathe in, opening my heart and my mind.

Breathe out, releasing my false self.

Breathe in gratitude.

Breathe out my natural man.

Then, breathe.

And keep going.

 

Lighting

It's crazy what playing with light can do.

It can make us LOOK different, even.

When you mess with the lights that are on, what kind of lights they are, what angle you set them at, where you stand in the room (in front of a window, etc.), it changes everything.

It changes our shape, our highlights, our flaws, our wrinkles.

It changes the way we look, literally.

No filters...

Just light.

I am searching diligently right now for light.

I am searching and fighting for life jackets.

I am fighting and grabbing at all the ropes being thrown my way.

There's a switch, right?!

Like, you can just turn it on and off, right?!

Like, you can CHOOSE to be happy in the midst of enormous, non-stop, paralyzing trauma... right?!

NO.

No, Heidi.

This takes time.

And it's not fun time.

It's a kind of time that you have been going through for 43 years.

Some days are just painful.

Brutal.

When we beg, plead, and yell at God to just let me go.

Then, get up again the next day.

Go to work.

Do the things.

Search for the light.

Try to live in abundance and gratitude.

Try to be grateful TODAY right now right here.

No, I don't doubt my worth or from whom it comes.

No, I don't doubt that Satan has a strangle hold on any worth that I KNOW I have.

No, I don't doubt that this is all just part of it.

Yes, it's hard.

It's heavy.

It's frightening.

It's exhausting.

It's lonely.

It's confusing.

Just look for the light, Heidi.

Today, just look for the light.