Lighting

It's crazy what playing with light can do.

It can make us LOOK different, even.

When you mess with the lights that are on, what kind of lights they are, what angle you set them at, where you stand in the room (in front of a window, etc.), it changes everything.

It changes our shape, our highlights, our flaws, our wrinkles.

It changes the way we look, literally.

No filters...

Just light.

I am searching diligently right now for light.

I am searching and fighting for life jackets.

I am fighting and grabbing at all the ropes being thrown my way.

There's a switch, right?!

Like, you can just turn it on and off, right?!

Like, you can CHOOSE to be happy in the midst of enormous, non-stop, paralyzing trauma... right?!

NO.

No, Heidi.

This takes time.

And it's not fun time.

It's a kind of time that you have been going through for 43 years.

Some days are just painful.

Brutal.

When we beg, plead, and yell at God to just let me go.

Then, get up again the next day.

Go to work.

Do the things.

Search for the light.

Try to live in abundance and gratitude.

Try to be grateful TODAY right now right here.

No, I don't doubt my worth or from whom it comes.

No, I don't doubt that Satan has a strangle hold on any worth that I KNOW I have.

No, I don't doubt that this is all just part of it.

Yes, it's hard.

It's heavy.

It's frightening.

It's exhausting.

It's lonely.

It's confusing.

Just look for the light, Heidi.

Today, just look for the light.