Where's Porter?

When I pulled into the driveway after work yesterday, I saw two legs sticking out from under Porter's truck.

Then I heard, "Hey Heidi!"

"Hey Porterman. Please, please, please be careful. I watch WAYYY too much True Crime and Forensic Files."

 

Our Easter Weekend

I LOVE when Colton texts me to ask me if I can take him to work!

I get some Colton time and I love it!

He is so stinking grown up and responsible and hard-working and FUNNY!!

Saturday morning, I picked up Little Miss so that her mommy and daddy could have some time AND so that I could have Lani time!

We went to Black Bear Diner for breakfast and she was ALL about all of the bears all over the place!

We visited Papa at work because that's what she asks to do every single time.

Then we went to Gigi and Papa's house to play.

She loves her little rocking chair.

She plays so well by herself.

She has a great imagination.

She talks and sings and bosses the dogs around.

She colors and paints and dances.

I just can't get enough of her.

Jackson and Isis came to pick her up at 5 because I thought Burke and I would have a date night since we were kids-free.

I even showered!

Burke then invited them to come along.

Because he's the best.

And, it was the best.

I had FIVE requests for Easter Sunday:

1. Bike ride

2. Nike Outlet to get Burke shoes with his gift card

3. Find Burke a new black belt

4. A yummy cheeseburger

5. Sunshine

1. The bike ride was amazing, per usual

2. The Nike Outlet was closed

3. All stores were closed, come to find out

4. All restaurants were closed, come to find out

5. There was amazing sunshine

So...

We walked around Cabellas.

We hung some pictures/clocks.

We opened the doors and windows to let the sunshine in.

Five Guys saved the day by being open and I got me a cheeseburger.

It was amazing.

 

The Sun Is Shining

Don't mind my filthy car windows.

Or the windshield-wide cracks in them.

It's fine.

Everything is fine.

Actually, it's more than fine because I've been told that bright thing you see there is called a "Sun."

And I am here for it!!!

It's Friday and I am SOOOOOO here for it!

The youngest boys are with their mom for the long spring break weekend.

Last night, Burke and I looked at each other wondering what the heck to do with ourselves.

He had done all of the shopping for the week so that I don't have to do it tomorrow.

Gratitude doesn't even begin to express how I felt about him doing that!

We went to Zupas and it was super disappointing.

Then we went tanning so that Mama could get some UV rays.

He's such a good sport!!

I found these in my memories today.

My boys used to go dumpster diving in the neighborhood whenever the City would place dumpsters throughout the streets.

Kaydon came home with this "treasure" and he was SO excited!!

He also sang in a general conference choir one year.

It was SO amazing to see him on TV, singing hymns!

 

 

Short Sleeves

This post is for the sole purpose of documenting that I am in short sleeves today.

It's currently 23 degrees, but by golly the sun is shining!

When I left the gym yesterday, a man was walking through the parking lot.

He said, "I think that's called a sun!"

We haven't seen it in so long that everyone seems surprised by it!

 

It's The Last One; Better Enjoy It

It's April 5th.

The normal temperature for Northern Utah on April 5th is 62 degrees.

It's 28 degrees and it has not stopped snowing since November.

Literally.

It has been non-stop.

The temperatures have not risen at all since last summer.

It's been really miserable.

People are losing their minds; me included.

My guys have not had a day off in months.

Literally.

They come in at 3 AM and don't leave until roads are clear.

They have things thrown at them daily.

They get flipped off and called vulgar names daily.

We get calls with people threatening us personally, calling us names, shouting...

Literally.

It's been a hard, long winter.

When I walked into work this morning, my Billiam said, "It's the last storm, you better enjoy it!!!"

It made me smile and I was grateful.

When I got in the shower this morning, I thanked God for:

Hot, private shower (I often think of those in homeless shelters who have zero privacy, those who don't have hot water, or showers period)

Clean, warm clothes

Warm, good, sturdy shoes

A car with snow tires (thank you, B Beck)

A job to go to

Burke who gets up and starts my car and scrapes it off every single morning, without fail

The ability to have my five senses

The ability to use my left side

Electricity

Then I got myself ready for the day!

In other news, Squirt wasn't feeling good last night.

They are on Spring Break and have been enjoying no school, no sports, no schedules.

I yelled out that dinner was ready.

He laid on the couch.

Said he didn't feel good.

Then Cooper informed me that Ryker had SIX hot dogs for lunch.

I dry heaved loudly.

I made him some toast, opened a can of Sprite, and he went right to bed.

At 7:30.

My kind of kid!!

He woke up this morning, happy to be alive!!

They go with their mom and her boyfriend and kids to Southern Utah tomorrow to visit their grandparents.

They love their grandparents so much!

They'll be gone until Sunday.

I'll be able to get so much done, but we'll miss them!!

 

Happy & Safe

The boys and I moved 12 times as a team of five.

TWELVE.

A dozen times.

We got really good at physically moving things.

Packing.

Unpacking.

Organizing.

Settling.

Emotionally, though...

It has taken a toll each time, and certainly a long-lasting toll.

I made some terrible decisions.

The hard part about those terrible decisions was that in my mind, they were based on "righteous" desires.

Being married.

Being a "family."

In my mind, if I was in doing what was expected of me then all would be fine.

It never was.

This past weekend, Jackson, Isis, Colton, Cooper and Ryker helped Burke and I move the rest of my things out of the basement apartment we and I have lived in for a couple of years (exactly two).

This was the first move that I did not cry.

Not one tear.

In fact, I felt immense peace.

I didn't even take any pictures of the move.

Or the amazing helpers.

I just kept going until it was loaded.

It only took two hours.

I closed the door, locked it, and walked down the driveway to my car.

We stopped and had breakfast.

Then, took it all home.

To Burke's.

Where I have been staying since my apartment flooded.

This decision was not spontaneous.

It was not made out of need.

I have been just fine in my apartment, living alone since Colton moved out.

I have loved having my own space, in fact.

I was not forced out.

A relationship didn't end, forcing me to quickly find another place to live.

After talking for a quite some time with Burke, then with Jackson & Isis & Colton and with Porter, Cooper, and Ryker, it was decided upon.

After much thought.

After much contemplation on my part.

Are we getting married?

I don't know that I want to do that again.

And that's OK.

I do know that I want to be with Burke forever.

It's certainly not okay with everyone, but it's not anyone else's responsibility to create my happiness.

Not Burke's, not the kids', not even God's.

It's mine.

I have created misery, fear, sadness, frustration in people's lives.

I have no doubt.

Plenty of people call me "irresponsible," "disappointing," "a bad mother..." and more.

I have been all of those things at times, I'm positive.

Jackson said something yesterday as part of a very, very, very hard family discussion that took place:

"Mom is happy and she is safe and she is so good."

My son.

Who has been through ALL of it with me.

All of my kids have been through ALL of it with me.

Oh, how sorry I am.

Oh, how grateful I am that he feels those three things now.

This is me this morning... driving in the snow.

Feeling peace.

This is me in the back bathroom yesterday, with a few of the things from my apartment.

These are two of the three comfy, cozy dogs last night.

This is Cooper, with a "new" desk in his room from the apartment.

And because this just brings me so much glorious, magical happiness:

This is Lani with her unicorn from the apartment.

I don't expect anyone to agree with my decisions.

I haven't agreed with a lot of them either!!

But for those who would like to hear my story from me:

I believe with all of my heart in Heavenly Parents, in my Savior and in the Holy Ghost.

I believe in prayer with an unfailing knowledge that when we pray, we are seen and heard.

I believe in family, however not necessarily the "family" described in the "Proclamation of the Family."

All families look different.

Mine certainly does, but I find my family to be just as worthy as the family described therein.

I believe in the Plan of Salvation.

I have had FAR too many experiences in my life that are sacred beyond words to ever, ever deny that we are surrounded daily by those on the other side of the veil.

I am SO grateful for the characteristics, qualities, and experiences I have innately that have allowed me to create my story:

Empathy, kindness, tenderness, the ability to know when someone needs me to say something or do something to bring them comfort...

I am SO grateful that I am a mom.

Oh my goodness, I am so grateful for my boys.

They are the most amazing humans.

They are just the most amazing people.

And my daughters.

And my grandbabies.

And my bonus kiddos.

And Burke.

And those who see me and still love me.

As a reminder, there won't be a line for big sins and little sins.

Just a line.

For all of us.

God-like behavior is kind.

God-like behavior is loving.

God-like behavior includes creating boundaries and making good choices and when we know better, making better choices.

It also includes doing our best to be happy.

It does not include judging.

It does not include believing that we are better than others, or more deserving, or more worthy.

It does not include believing that our way is better than the way others choose.

 

Porter Is Legal

Porterman got his license on Thursday.

He (and we) have been eager for this day!

He got himself a truck and he's ready to do this thing!

Friday morning was the first morning that Burke didn't have to get up to take him to school.

This boy can get himself to school and work now!!!