Well Then

I had a great birthday weekend. It was great right up until I had a major episode with my heart, passed out, and then received a call from the owners of the home we are living in - telling us that we needed to be out immediately. Then it wasn't great anymore. I told Jackson and Braxton, who both walked out of the room and outside where they cried in separate spots. I pulled Kaydon and Colton in and told them. They started to cry also and Kaydon went outside to vent. I sat on the couch and cried alone, in complete disbelief that this was happening.

I get that we need to go through trials. I get that trials bring us closer to our Heavenly Father, who knows us and loves us. I get that trials are the reason we are on this Earth. But, I would be lying if I said I am not all trialed out right now. I crumbled. I texted my family. I called my kids' dad. I texted my boss and told him to be patient with me because I was once again broken. Then I thought I'd cry a little more because that's what I do.

Then, Jackson walked in. He told everyone to get on our knees and he offered a beautiful family prayer. Then he called two of his Young Men's leaders from our old ward and asked them to come administer to each of us. They did and the Spirit filled our family. I have networked as much as I know how to do. Every free minute I get, I am searching the internet. I am taking a different route home every night, in search of rentals. I am doing everything that I know to do. I work three jobs. I pay a full tithe and fast offering. I feel like I am doing my part, and now I am pleading with my Father in Heaven to do the rest.

I really do believe that things happen for a reason. The hard part is watching my children, who have no solidity in their lives, no constant. It is always changing for them. They don't feel like they can let their guard down ever. I take that so personally. I just want them to feel like it's all going to be okay, like they can calm down and feel at peace, like we are going to be alright. Then something else seems to come up.

I know we can do hard things. I know we can because we are doing them. And I know that I am completely out of line asking for just one easy day, because there are plenty of people who don't ever get easy days. But, sometimes I just want one day that is peaceful without the worries of the world on my shoulders.