Single Mom Gig - Church-Goin

I remember taking my four minions to church when they were so little. I had a double stroller with Braxton and Kaydon. Colton was in a backpack on my back (obviously). Jackson held on to my pocket or shoe or whatever he could grab on to. I pushed the stroller with one hand and the medical pole with Kaydon's life saving machines on the other. That was how I went every where. I got pretty dang good at it. It was the loading/unloading part that wasn't all that fun.

I remember vividly being in a brand new ward. Everyone was already staring because I looked like the crazy lady with a million kids... even though there were only four, they were all within four years and there were medical machines, etc. I was aware of the stares, but never made eye contact with anyone. I was barely able to keep my eyes open as it was! Well, here we were in a brand new ward. It was during the Sacrament, which usually happens to be the most quiet and reverent part of the meeting. Just then, as I have children everywhere, Kaydon stood up on the bench right next to me and loudly asked, "Mama, what the hell is goin on in here???" At the moment, I decided that if I closed my eyes then no one was actually looking at me because I couldn't see them!

Oh, how church has been an adventure. There were SO MANY Sundays that I just could not muster up the excitement to go to church. I told myself it would be so much freaking easier to stay home and it would be so much better for the congregation to not have the irreverence of us! I had many a conversation with myself about this. Then, one day I decided that I NEEDED church. I needed that three hours every single week to go and to be. I decided that if people were unhappy with us being there, they could just go sit in the foyer. (seriously, my sassy self started to come out) I needed to be there and my babes needed to be there. I was one of those moms who dropped my kiddos off at nursery whether they were crying or happy and literally told the nursery leader that under no circumstances should they come get me!! Luckily, my babes loved nursery and primary...

Today, church looks very different. My boys are all up and ready to go at 10:20. We go, and I sit for a good 30 minutes, watching my babes prepare the Sacrament. I just sit and am. I watch with great humility and pride as I watch these boys do their thing. Normally the two oldest stay on the stand to bless the Sacrament while the two youngest sit to pass it. Sometimes, I am joined by one or two of them during the Sacrament. I absolutely love to hear my boys bless the Sacrament.

Colton is often falling asleep right after the Sacrament is passed. Sometimes I hand him my phone to play Candy Crush. Sometimes my other boys are playing Subway Surfer... bad, I know. But, People. We are there. They are quiet. I am where I need to be and so are they. I have worked so hard on not judging others and their practices during church because I HAVE BEEN THERE. We all have our struggles, so it's nice to buoy each other up!

This past Sunday, a young man played "Consider the Lillies" on his violin. It touched me more than I have been touched in church in a long, long time. At the end of it, the next speaker (a woman I adore) stood. She was silent for a moment, then asked in a whisper, "Do you feel that?" YES! Yes, I feel it!! The Spirit was tangible. That is why I go. That is why I need to be there. I don't always learn about my own testimony from the words that are spoken. I often learn about my testimony and feel it grow when I feel... when I am still... when I hear music... when I serve... when I watch my boys... when I hug... when I can just feel my Savior's love. How grateful am I that, even though it would have been so much easier to stay home for years, I didn't. I didn't stay home. I kept going.