Single Mom Gig - In Continuous Awe

This morning when I got home from the gym and hopped in the shower to not be stinky, I noticed Kaydon was wide awake, dressed, and sitting up in his bed watching a movie on his phone. I asked him if he was okay. He said, "Yeah. I got up at 5 to go and so some service. I'm heading back out in a minute to do more." 

What?

Do they even know?

"No. That's kind of the point, Mama."

There is a sweet man in our ward. His name is Ned. I have never met him, but I feel like I know him from the stories that my boys tell me about him. 

Last week, Ned left me a voice mail. He specifically asked for Braxton.

Usually on Sunday mornings, Jackson and Braxton take him the Sacrament. He loves for them to stay and just visit with him. The boys do his lawn and other lawns in our ward for free. He was just checking in.

Jackson's anxiety has been pretty high lately, waiting on that call.

He is always asking me what I need, what can he do for ME, what can he help ME with. Am I okay on money? How much do YOU need for rent, Mama? 

When he asks me to come get him after I say my personal prayers so that we can pray together... those moments are sacred. Having my boys kneel by my bed and pray with me... those are Celestial moments. Moments that are free. Moments that bring the very most comfort, peace and joy.

Every single day when I get home from work, Colton and Ja'Mari are seriously so excited to see me. How was work, Mama? Can I help you with anything, Mama? What's for dinner, Mama? 

I'm sorry for being so loud, Mama Heidi. Do you need me to do anything, Mama Heidi?

Some days I feel SO lucky to be a SINGLE mom! I don't have to share my time and attention and focus with anyone else! I get to learn from these boys, who I love more than anything. I am so blessed!

Single Mom Gig - Multi-tasking Boss

Yesterday I was at work. I am at work five days a week. 50 hours. Jackson and Braxton were working. I would need to pick Jackson up from work on my way home because we have a lot of drivers and two cars - each with almost 200,000 miles on them. I would get home and clean out the dishwasher, load the dishwasher and make my children a warm dinner. I would then put my laundry away, work my business, prepare my clothes and such for the next day and tuck myself into bed after saying personal and family prayers.

While I am at work, Colton is usually home alone. Kaydon spends time with Bert when he isn't home. Colton has done really well this summer, but he is lonely and gets bored. He has done chores like a champ. He takes baths. He goes and cleans up the complex for me. He watches movies and plays games. Yesterday, though... yesterday was a struggle and he was the only one home. He texted me and called me often... while I was at work, mind you. Where I am a supervisor and have people in and out and calling and on the radio and writing contracts and paying bills and dealing with issues... Finally, he called me wanting to make from-scratch brownies. Okay, I thought. Let's do this.

I talked him through the whole thing over the phone. I giggled. I cringed every time he said, "Owie!" I smiled. I shook my head. I listened as he went through the motions of melting the chocolate slowly over the stove, while mixing the other ingredients in a separate bowl. I talked him through mistakes and do-overs. He followed the directions super well, but at times got a bit distracted. He tried to "mix" the batter with an electric gravy stirrer. I heard a few things fall and I heard him burn himself on the oven rack. But, I was at work. And, as a single mom who has three jobs and four teenage boys, one with disabilities, and I am trying to keep it all together so I don't have another stroke and I am constantly juggling in my mind what needs to happen now and next and after that... I do my best to balance it all.

Colton sent me this text:

I got home to a messy kitchen that smelled delightful and where a pan with homemade brownies laid, covered in a clean dish towel, made by my autistic son who just needed his mom for 20 minutes. Somehow, I was able to be there for him, from a distance.

I do it all. And, I'm so thankful.

Single Mom Gig - The Places They'll Go

When my boys were littler, I would often read them Dr. Seuss's "Oh, They Places You'll Go." I LOVE this book.

Now, they seem to know where they're going and I'm not so sure that I'm okay with any of it!!

Of course I'm okay with it. I'm so proud of them... just wondering why I ever taught them to be independent and responsible.

Last night, a package arrived from Amazon for Kaydon. It was a map. He announced that he was so excited and needed to get his markers. ???? I asked him what he was doing. He stated that he was "mapping out his future." ???
He then drew a thick black line where the equator is. He said that he plans to live on an island near the equator, where there are no hurricanes or tornadoes. He said that he has to make sure that it is in a "secure" location where the wind patterns are more calm. ????

And so it goes...

Single Mom Gig - Can't Make This Stuff Up!

Last night, Braxton texted me from work: "Ma, can you meet me at Instacare?"

People, this is a regular occurance at my home. Boys. Teenage boys. Really, it has never mattered what age they were. Boys. Wild and crazy boys.

Anywho, Braxton was moving a helium machine and the cap popped off and hit him in the right side of the jaw. He saw stars. He has a mild concussion. He also has quite a bit of soft tissue damage on the left side of his face (jaw area).

The doctors always have, and still do, look at me and say, "You really can't make this stuff up!"

Oh, I know.

Trust me, I know.

Single Mom Gig - A Little Civility

I attended a really phenomenal training last week. It was about so many things, including civility. The teacher, an administrator from Weber State University, taught so many powerful insights.

She began the class by asking each of us to introduce ourselves in this way:
* State your name
* State your identity
* What pronoun(s) do you prefer?

I introduced myself in this way:
* My name is Heidi
* I am a single mom, a daughter, an auntie, a sister, a friend, a survivor, a yogi, and an ice cream lover
* I prefer she, her, hers, they, theirs, we, us

She spoke of the "one story" that each of us has in our minds of others and their situations. How often do we work so hard to be understood, rather than to understand?

She challenged us to a civility challenge. We each got a packet of 25 civility cards.

The boys and I will be working through these cards. We will be talking about the stories we have in our heads. We will be talking about our own identities and respecting the identities of others. We will speak of understanding, rather than fighting so hard to be understood.

Single Mom Gig - Oh, the Moments

I so wish I had taken a picture of my experience last night. I was laying in my bed at 6 pm because I was exhausted from my first full-time day. As I laid in my bed, I could hear Jackson gathering the boys to my room for a prayer. They knelt beside my bed and Jackson asked Kaydon to pray. I don't know where my children learned to talk to our Father, but these prayers are impossible to deny having the Spirit. He prayed diligently for me and for my ability to heal and to rest and to do hard things. He prayed for Braxton, who considers to struggle emotionally. He prayed for each of the boys, that they would be able to help me in whatever capacity they could. He prayed that we would be strong and taken care of. He prayed with faith and with hope. His brothers, with their heads bowed echoed that faith and hope with their reverence and with their "amen." I did as well.

How I love these boys. How I am so grateful for their faith when mine is low. How I am so grateful for their testimonies of a God and a Savior, who know us and love us. How I am so grateful that they love me and I love them. How I am so grateful for our ability to do hard things and for these moments that remind us that we are never alone.

And, today is the four month anniversary of my stroke. Four months of growth.

Single Mom Gig - Abundance

As you know, I am a working, single mother of four boys. I have them 100% of the time... not that they are scheduled commodities, but I am the only parent in their lives. Period. It's on me. I don't get breaks from parenting. Not that I would want them. And the older they get and make plans to move out and become real-life adults and do real-life adult things, the more I never want to get a break from parenting... ever. Like in the history or future of ever. If a talk needs to take place, it's me. If they are needing to be talked to about things (bathing, slowing the F down when they are driving, dating, homework, chores, cleaning their rats nest of a bedroom, brushing their teeth at least once a dang day, respecting women, respecting everyone who is worthy of respect, eating slow enough to actually taste their food, using their earned money on needs before wants, etc. etc. etc.) If they need to talk, they come to me... not because I'm the best option but because I am all there is. Poor kids!

I have to tell you what one of my very favorite things is about this situation! We are a team. What one of us sucks at, one of the other four can pick up the slack. My new business is a whole new learning process for me. I hate sales. With a passion. I am not a sales person. But, I AM passionate about supporting my kids, paying my medical bills so that my credit isn't even worse than it already is, and sharing my personal experiences and stories about becoming whole after being so broken over and over and over again. Because I am passionate about those things, I am giving myself two years to make this business successful. By successful, I mean paying bills and inspiring and encouraging others to be whole and happy and at peace.

Because it is my goal to do this and to LEARN to be successful at it, my boys have jumped on board and are being unbelievably supportive. Remember, they are TEENAGE BOYS. Most teenage boys could care less about their mom selling makeup and skin care and taking selfies and doing Lives. In fact, most teenage boys would rather not know anything about any of it. Not my boys. No, my boys have learned the best set up for the camera. They have worked to figure out lighting. They are working to find a better backdrop for Lives and pictures. They have held virtual Facebook parties for their friends. For real. They have talked to their girl friends about this stuff and encouraged them to look on my site. They have edited my bios, in hopes that the marketing will begin to be better. They have researched other Lives for me to find better and more effective ways to market myself. They have spent TIME and effort, not because I ask them to, but because they see a need and they jump in and they support me.

In the real world, I am not the only parent in my home. I am not really a SINGLE MOM. I am surrounded by four teenage sons who teach me and support me and comfort me and remind me and pray for me and with me. I am anything but single in my home. Just last night, I asked Kaydon to come pray with me. He knelt by my bed and prayed FOR me. Braxton came in to kiss me goodnight and said, "Mom, how much longer are you going to be on your phone working? I don't want it to hurt your eyes." Colton yelled over and over and over and over and over again, "Love you Mama!"

In our world, there is abundance. Just the opposite of single anything.

Single Mom Gig - Auntie Time & Siblings

I am beyond blessed with two amazing brothers, the greatest brother-in-law and the most awesome sauce sister-in-law. These four are enormous influences in my life. They love me enough to tell me when I'm dumb. They love me enough to give me advice. They love me enough to tell me they love me. They support us financially, emotionally, and spiritually. No one on this planet send funnier Insta messages than Logan. No one!! They will make you snort up the food in your mouth through your nose -- they are that funny! They love my boys and make sure they know it!

And these nephews of mine...

Love. Joy. Bliss. More joy. They are extra-ordinary and my love for them grows daily.

Friday was a bit of a rough one! I texted Brandon and Carrie and asked if I could go love on babies. I drove over and just gave kisses and snuggles and loves. They are both becoming mama's boys which is so sweet to watch! Asher is so dang busy... he only has time for you if you're going to flip him in the air. Auntie does it as many times as he wants! Anson had a bit of a cold and wasn't happy about snot running down his face, but that smile makes everything in life bearable. He wants to do everything Brother is doing and gets super frustrated when he can't.

I love these boys so much! They have healed hearts and minds. They have amazing parents and are so dang loved by everyone!

Single Mom Gig - Lessons Learning

Miss Sarah always says that all of us are still on training wheels... and we always will be. It's so true, but I like to think that I can be riding a two-wheeler with no hands by this afternoon. It's pretty much setting myself up for disappointment. I love lessons. I am beginning to be more open to lessons. I hope I can articulate some of those today in a way that really illustrates my feelings accurately.

As a single parent, I think that (at least for me) I feel like I need to be on two-wheels, riding without hands, right now because I'm all my kids have. I'm it. The buck starts and stops with me. If I don't have my crap together, then what will happen to my babes? I feel like it's all MY job. I feel like it's all MY responsibility and if I don't do it right the first time, we are all doomed. I have rarely been open to having other people tell me how I should do it different or better because in my heart, that's always actually meant that they are judging me and feel that I'm awful in every possible way. This is obviously just my perception and probably an inaccurate assumption. Nonetheless, it's been my thinking for 18 years.

So, opening my heart and my mind to people who love me and who love my kids and being willing to learn from their words and their actions has been a big step for me. And I have noticed that it's relieved some pressure and allowed me to take a deep breath. It's been freeing and loving and so important.

Some of the things I am going to say in this post are unimaginably personal. As I have thought about them, I have reminded myself that this is my journal. It's public. But, it's my journal. I ask that you be respectful of my children. This is not THEIR journal. It's mine.

Lessons Learning:
1- Discipline/punishment: I have four teenage boys, People. I don't spank them, although I do butt slap them now and then and shout, "Good Game!" I don't wash their mouths out with soap. But, I do take away privileges. I have never had an issue with them being late (probably because for every minute they are late is one hour grounded). But, they would be grounded. The three oldest are dealt with mostly by communication, by talking, by explaining, by telling them to "check themself before they wreck themself." Colton, however, is different. He functions at an age much younger than his physical age. A couple of weeks ago, there was an issue at school. It was brought to my attention via email. The email made it sound like it was horrible. So, I told them I would punish him at home for the actions. I spoke to Randy about it as he was asking how the boys' days were. He asked me to take a breath, clarify through email what happened, etc., then talk to Colton PRIOR to laying out punishment. Mind you, NO ONE tells me how to handle my children. But, I listened. It turned out that the teacher had a rough day and explained that Colton was struggling with the week since it was a short week and school and he was getting restless with the change of schedule. Had I not listened, I would have punished him for something that simply needed to be talked about.

Sunday, we were over at Randy's house. Colton got very frustrated with a game and threw a controller and yelled. I quickly stood up, grabbed his arm and dragged him up the stairs. He weighs twice as much as I do. I sat him on the guest room bed, told him that his behavior was unacceptable. I told him he would be in time out for 10 minutes then I left. As I was leaving, he asked how long then yelled, "RANDY!!!" I went in to the kitchen to talk to Jackson. I could hear conversation going on down the hall, but ignored it. Randy came out and quietly asked me what the purpose of the time out was. I told him that he was being punished and that he needed time to cool off. He asked me if it would be okay if he tried a different process. I wanted to tell him, "Hell no, it's not okay!!" But, I didn't. I told him I trusted him. I heard more discussion, then I heard Colton go downstairs. I remained in the kitchen. Randy came in later and I asked him what I should know... He said, "Rather than having him sit in a room and in a minute forget why he is in there, why don't we tell him that he needs to be responsible for his actions and put him back in the situation." Colton was great the rest of the night.

2- My Kaydon has a temper. When he's mad, he's MAD. He was MAD on Sunday. He punched Colton in the car on the way to Orem. I was livid. We got to the house and he promptly sat in the front room alone. I went in and told Randy that Kaydon was not a happy camper. I told him that we should just let him be. Then, I went in (totally against what I had just said) and told Kaydon we'd be eating then playing poker. At that point, Kaydon said (loudly), "I am NOT playing poker!" Okidoki. From that point on as I made the salad, Randy would peak in there and ask him what he was playing on his phone, etc. Then, Randy asked him to take a break and set the table. He jumped right up and did it! He didn't talk to either of us, but he did as he was asked. Then, he devoured dinner and then went back in to the front room. He was in the front room for 5 minutes, then came in and asked Randy to go play poker with him. That was that. Done. That is not how I would have handled it. Period.

3- Sweet Braxton has had a HARD year or so. Hard. He has been very depressed and has had bouts of feeling suicidal. We have prayed for him and fasted for him. He has been at the doctor weekly. I met with his school counselor yesterday. His grades are very low and he has been dark and down. (Please look at the picture above... that smile!!) He and I have had a few conversations the last couple of weeks where I have began to converse with him and he will stop me and say, "I just want to talk to Randy about this." WTH?!?! Ummm... I'm the mom. Why wouldn't you want to talk to me?? I'm the parent!! People, this is hard stuff for me. It's always been me. Yesterday, when I went to meet with his counselor, he asked me if Randy was coming. I said, "No! I didn't even know you were coming!" Prior to the meeting, Randy called me and he and I talked about objectives for the meeting, so I felt really prepared. But, Brax felt that he needed Randy there, so I got him on speaker phone. From that point forward, Braxton was self-advocating and speaking with confidence about his needs. I sat back and let them do their thing. My mama heart was softened and so thankful. At one point, the counselor mentioned testing for "disabilities." Braxton checked out. Randy (on speaker) said, "Heidi, take me off speaker and let me talk to Braxton." The counselor was still talking... (Awkward!!!) Then he said, "Nevermind. Hey, we don't need to talk about disabilities. The testing would be for data. Brax, nothing to worry about. No disabilities. Just data." That was all B needed. At another point, the counselor asked Braxton if he felt he could communicate with all of this teachers. Braxton was silent for a few seconds. Randy said, "Don't lie, bud." Braxton then expressed some troubles with two teachers and self-advocated for changes. I marveled at the "success" of this meeting. The "success" for me was in the fact that my boy smiled, spoke with passion, and was able to discuss his own needs and goals. After that meeting, the two of them talked on the phone, he hugged me and told me he loved me and went to class. Later that day, he texted me and told me he was thinking about trying out for baseball, but that he wanted to talk to Randy about it. Okay. Okay. It's all okay.

4- Jackson has always been the man of the house. He has always been selfless and has always worried about his brothers and his mama. Sunday, I brought up for the thousandth time that Randy and I wanted a list for Christmas. He just rolled his eyes. Randy jumped in and said, "Bud, what do you need?" Jackson then expressed that this was the hardest thing he had ever done. He was physically sick trying to think of things for himself. By the end of the night, we had three items and a smiling boy.

5- Heavenly Father is aware of us. I say this all the time. He knows us. He knows our needs. He has given each and every one of us the opportunity to be vessels and instruments for Him. He has also allowed us to be on training wheels and to have that be okay. I am learning to be humble and to be allowing. I am learning to allow love and help in to our lives (which is really hard! We don't have a great track record!!) I haven't allowed people in to my boys' lives for this reason. But, here we are. Doing. Believing. Trusting. Allowing.

Single Mom Gig - Church-Goin

I remember taking my four minions to church when they were so little. I had a double stroller with Braxton and Kaydon. Colton was in a backpack on my back (obviously). Jackson held on to my pocket or shoe or whatever he could grab on to. I pushed the stroller with one hand and the medical pole with Kaydon's life saving machines on the other. That was how I went every where. I got pretty dang good at it. It was the loading/unloading part that wasn't all that fun.

I remember vividly being in a brand new ward. Everyone was already staring because I looked like the crazy lady with a million kids... even though there were only four, they were all within four years and there were medical machines, etc. I was aware of the stares, but never made eye contact with anyone. I was barely able to keep my eyes open as it was! Well, here we were in a brand new ward. It was during the Sacrament, which usually happens to be the most quiet and reverent part of the meeting. Just then, as I have children everywhere, Kaydon stood up on the bench right next to me and loudly asked, "Mama, what the hell is goin on in here???" At the moment, I decided that if I closed my eyes then no one was actually looking at me because I couldn't see them!

Oh, how church has been an adventure. There were SO MANY Sundays that I just could not muster up the excitement to go to church. I told myself it would be so much freaking easier to stay home and it would be so much better for the congregation to not have the irreverence of us! I had many a conversation with myself about this. Then, one day I decided that I NEEDED church. I needed that three hours every single week to go and to be. I decided that if people were unhappy with us being there, they could just go sit in the foyer. (seriously, my sassy self started to come out) I needed to be there and my babes needed to be there. I was one of those moms who dropped my kiddos off at nursery whether they were crying or happy and literally told the nursery leader that under no circumstances should they come get me!! Luckily, my babes loved nursery and primary...

Today, church looks very different. My boys are all up and ready to go at 10:20. We go, and I sit for a good 30 minutes, watching my babes prepare the Sacrament. I just sit and am. I watch with great humility and pride as I watch these boys do their thing. Normally the two oldest stay on the stand to bless the Sacrament while the two youngest sit to pass it. Sometimes, I am joined by one or two of them during the Sacrament. I absolutely love to hear my boys bless the Sacrament.

Colton is often falling asleep right after the Sacrament is passed. Sometimes I hand him my phone to play Candy Crush. Sometimes my other boys are playing Subway Surfer... bad, I know. But, People. We are there. They are quiet. I am where I need to be and so are they. I have worked so hard on not judging others and their practices during church because I HAVE BEEN THERE. We all have our struggles, so it's nice to buoy each other up!

This past Sunday, a young man played "Consider the Lillies" on his violin. It touched me more than I have been touched in church in a long, long time. At the end of it, the next speaker (a woman I adore) stood. She was silent for a moment, then asked in a whisper, "Do you feel that?" YES! Yes, I feel it!! The Spirit was tangible. That is why I go. That is why I need to be there. I don't always learn about my own testimony from the words that are spoken. I often learn about my testimony and feel it grow when I feel... when I am still... when I hear music... when I serve... when I watch my boys... when I hug... when I can just feel my Savior's love. How grateful am I that, even though it would have been so much easier to stay home for years, I didn't. I didn't stay home. I kept going.

Single Mom Gig - Gosh, I'm Thankful!

This has been a great year for my little family.

I have four amazing boys!
We only had one surgery this whole year!
We welcomed Asher and Anson and got to be at the sealing!!
Grandma and Grandpa Nef came for visits and were of course there for ordinations!
Nana is in complete remission from her cancer! She's badass!!
Boys got to spend time with Papa and Grandma!
Boys got to go camping together - the four of them!
Mama is strong and healthy!
P got his angel wings and we continue to learn from him!
Mama has the best job with the best guys!
We got to spend lots of time with Uncle Logan when he came to visit!
We got to spend lots of time with Pops and Nana this year!
Two Patriarchal Blessings!
We have been blessed with Randy in our lives!
We have an amazing ward and the best bishop in the land!
I finished the Book of Mormon, then started it again!
We are so blessed every day with love and strength and faith over fear. We continue to choose joy on this crazy journey because the alternative sucks! I am so thankful that we will be able to spend Thanksgiving with people we love.

Single Mom Gig - Life Happening

The weekend was really, really wonderful. Mostly, Randy and I talked. A lot. And cried. And laughed. But, mostly we talked and learned. He already knows most of my insecurities and is learning, and teaching me, why I have them. One is my dad. One is P. One is assumptions. One is perceptions. One is lack of trust. (obvious) One is fear. We talked about all of them. We talked about MacKenzie, Colton, Zack, Jackson, Braxton, Kaydon and Colton. We talked about Asher and Anson... and how one day I'll be their favorite again! We talked about growth, mistakes, regrets, and experiences.

On the way home, he asked me about my dad and our relationship. He asked me why he hadn't met my dad yet. I started to open up about my feelings, and then just kept going and going. I cried. He listened. In the end, I decided to write my dad a letter... which I did yesterday. I wrote it with no expectation of anything in return. I got a response ( a couple of them), but none of it hurt me. None of it shaped any form of opinion on my end. I decided on the way home from our weekend that I was going to love my dad, just as he is... not as he used to be. Not as I feel he should be (who am I to make that decision anyway!). Just as he is now. I felt so much comfort after doing that and am excited, even elated, to move forward with a new way of thinking and with no more sadness or hurt or confusion. Just love.

As we got to Bountiful, I looked up at one of the digital freeway signs. For some reason, all I saw was "I15" and "Perry." I lost my mind. I started to sob. I wept. I asked Randy what the other words said, concerned that they said something about an accident. He continued to tell me that they simply said, "Love you Sis. I'm right here, P." I still don't know what the other words said, but I know that I did not expect to react the way I did. Randy asked me if I had written P a letter. I read him the letters I had on my blog. I realized at that moment it wasn't enough.

Yesterday, I spent my lunch break with P and Sarah (at least their dead bodies) at he Cemetery. I talked. I prayed. I cried. I laughed. I read my scriptures. I just was there. I felt so much peace. I felt so much strength. I felt so much that I needed that and that it's all okay. They have such a beautiful burial spot for their bodies. The view is extraordinary, even if it is under a pine tree (he hated pine trees!).

Today, I got a surprise. They are exquisite. The picture does not do these flowers any justice! They are unbelievably stunning. Even X-man is like, "Damn!!!" I love my X-man!

I am so grateful that life is happening and that I am learning and growing. Both with counseling and with life itself. I made myself a word board. Each week, I focus on one of those words. This week is "assumptions." It's about not saying, "I know..." when it comes to someone else's feelings. It's about not assuming that I know anything about anyone else. It's about being willing to ask. It's about being willing to stop myself for a moment and simply assume the best and most out of everyone. It's about not judging. Others or myself. It's about being open to people and their stories. It's pretty wonderful, really.

Single Mom Gig - Little Golfing Yo!

Saturday morning, Randy and I met his cousin, his cousin's girlfriend, and his cousin's friend at the golf course. I have not golfed for like two years! I was a weeee bit nervous. We had the best time! The guys were so patient with my lack of all-star worthiness! We played a solid 18 holes and had the best time! I only lost two balls. Randy's cousin switched up my grip on the clubs and I was able to hit with lots more power. It was the most beautiful day, too! The colors were amazing, the temperature was perfect, we had some music going in our cart, and the company was the best!

Find what you love to do and make time for it! It's good for you and for those you love!

Single Mom Gig - Dating

I have no doubt that y'all have been waiting for this one! Honestly Friends, this could take days to talk about.

First of all, dating is SO different when you are 40. Dating is so different when you are a parent. Dating is so different when you work full-time, have four babes to care for, a house to manage, and a life to live. Dating is so different at this time, with social media and phones and all of the electronic crap. Dating is so different at this time with all of the evils that surround us. Dating is kind of a big, fat joke!

I get asked all kinds of questions about dating, so let's focus one-by-one:

1. How do you meet people?
Okay, People. I work full-time. I sit in my office, working on my computer. I am raising four teenage boys. I go to the gym - where I sort of demand not to talk to anyone. That's my life. So, how do I meet people? Online. Online "dating" is really something. First of all, 98% of the people on there are simply looking for a hookup, a screw, someone to bang. I'm not kidding. You never know if the person you are "talking" to is married, divorced, a felon... you can put whatever you want to put on that dang profile and unless you have a private investigator at your finger tips, you're going in blind. They post one picture and you meet them and realize they are clearly chronic liars.

My boys asked me a few weeks ago to stop online dating. I promised them I would. I deactivated the two accounts that I had. For some reason, my profile stays up, but they are deleted.

2. What do your boys think about you dating?
My boys are like most kids who have a single mama, I would think. My boys tell me often that they want me to date and be happy and find a nice, NORMAL guy. Normal would be the key word there. It isn't a thing! My boys are at an age where I do tell them that I am going on a date. I think that they need to know that. I answer the questions they ask me. I think they deserve to know the things that are on their mind. Men don't come to our door. If they "pick me up" then it is done at the entrance of our complex. My boys don't need to see men coming and going and it's not like that anyways. I try to go on lunch dates so that it in no way effects my children. I also try to go on dates when they all have plans elsewhere with friends, etc. Wednesday nights are a free night for me to go on a date because they have mutual. I definitely try to plan dating around their schedules so that when they are home, mama is home. Regardless, I always go home and fix them dinner, make sure they had good days and homework is good. They are my priority and they need to always be reminded of that.

3. Like, why Heidi?
Because I have faith that there is a companion for me on this earth. Because I want that. Because I'm not giving up on that.
We've talked about counseling. Thanks the Lord for counseling. My counselor is amazing. Like, awesome-sauce amazing! Last time we met, we talked mostly about all of this. He said, "Heidi. I want you to date. I want you to date and not hunt. I want you to go on dates and enjoy them. Have fun. Don't automatically, in your head, start telling yourself what's good and what's bad and decide if they are step-father material. Just date. Start dating and stop hunting."
That has helped a lot. For some reason, I hand my heart over like first date. Why do I do that?!?! It's not their's to have! Miss B has been working on this with me. They don't get to have my heart on date one! They don't get my heart for like three months!

So... dating. It's kind of a joke that sometimes funny and sometimes not.
So... me. I am proud of myself. I'm not where I need to be, but I am getting better. I am getting better at blocking phone numbers, blocking people period. I am getting better at knowing what I want and what I won't settle for.
So... my boys. They have their mama. We do this life together. It's a sometimes tough life, a sometimes hilarious life, a sometimes maddening life, but an always beautiful life.

Single Mom Gig - The Things They Say

For the most part, my boys are really good at telling me everything. Tuesday night, Kaydon came back from a fireside and came in to my dark room where I was reading my scriptures on my phone. He asked if he could talk to me. I, of course, obliged. He walked in, turned on the light, closed the door, then sat on the floor. He told me that he had done something bad and that he was so sorry. I asked him what it was and he told me. Then he apologized repeatedly. I explained that he doesn't need to apologize to me, that I love him just the same and that I was so grateful that he told me. He told me that he had repented and felt like the Savior accepted that. I told him how important that was. He asked me if I felt like he should tell the Bishop. I told him that a decision like that was completely up to him. He told me how sorry he was, again, and told me that he loved me.

As he walked out, I wept. Not sad or frustrated tears. But, humble and grateful tears. I am ever thankful that these boys are mine and that they are trying so dang hard to do what is right.

Friday was a rough (like shit show mess) day. I got a call from the school at 1:30. I was told I needed to get to the school, where Colton was with the principal and a police officer. I won't get in to details about the allegations, because it's not necessary and because I believe that Colton deserves due process just like anyone else - if not more so... But, suffice it to say that a girl made an allegation and Colton was screaming and crying and yelling that he did nothing wrong. He did not understand and could not comprehend what was happening. He was scared and completely confused. I was furious (assuming that this happened), scared, and just exhausted. I went in for another meeting regarding the situation Monday morning, early. It turns out the school has not been following all of the things that we had spoke of. That will be changing. He is exhausted. So is Mama.

The older Colton gets, the harder life becomes for him. The older he gets, the larger the span between his physical age and stature and his behavioral and emotional age. His good friends are in 4th and 5th grade. He is in 8th. If Colton is told me a kid that they will be his friend if he does something or if someone dares him to do something, with the promise that they will then be his friend, he will do it in a heartbeat. He doesn't have the cause and effect that neuro-typical people do.

It's about adjusting and finding what works today because every single day is different.

But, we are doing it. We are trying so hard to do it.

Single Mom Gig - It's All Me

Colton is at work with me this morning. He has his Autism check-up today. So, I dropped his brother off at school and Colton and I came to work. We will be here until it's time to head to his appointment. Then I will drop him off at school and come back to work. It's all me.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom. What would it be like to go volunteer in their classrooms? What would it be like to take them to their appointments without worrying about how quickly I have to get back to work? What would it be like to be there when they get home from school? What would it be like to make an after-school snack? What would it be like to have them call me from school because they were sick and be able to just go get them... without having to figure out how I am going to do that because I am in the middle of a meeting. What would it be like to not rush home to fix a quick dinner so that I can have some mama time at the gym for 45 minutes? What would it be like to not have to worry about how we are going to afford groceries this week?

Then I take a step back in to my reality. I am so blessed. These boys are beyond amazing. They absolutely go with the flow. They never complain. If tuna casserole is what's for dinner, then that's what's for dinner. If Jackson has to check out of school to get a sick brother from school, he doesn't complain. He just helps his mama. If the house isn't clean... which it never is... we do our best to help each other clean it up.

Last night, a sweet friend came to the door. I was about to run away... for real! It was one of those nights. She laughed and told me that she thought I was amazing. I think SHE is amazing. Her mom passed away a couple of months ago. It has been so hard for her. She lived with her mom and cared for her. She has never married and does not have children. In that moment, I realized that I am doing just fine. As I think about our challenges... and everyone has challenges... I realize that I have been blessed with four boys. I have been blessed with the opportunity to care for them, to teach them, to train them, to direct them, and to LOVE them. I have been trusted with their spirits. I have been trusted to wipe their tears, and my own.

It's all me. But, really... we are doing just fine.

Single Mom Gig - Kitchen Cabinets

As a single mom of four boys, I have always done everything in my power to ensure that they talk to me about everything. I want them to always feel comfortable coming to me to talk to me about anything at all. I have always felt that ensuring an open and honest line of communication with them is imperative. About a year ago, I had a heart-to-heart with our bishop. He explained to me that there are some things my boys don't want to talk to me about because they are so protective of my heart and my feelings. They don't want to tell me things that are going to hurt me or make me sad. As I spoke to my children, this was indeed the case. When they need to talk about their feelings due to things that have happened in the past, they held it in because they didn't want to hurt me. So, I explained to them that we need to always have a couple of people in our life who we trust to love us, tell us the truth, and help us through our trials. My boys have mostly clung to my brothers and their grandpas. They have also had amazing bishops and young men's leaders the last few years who they trust and have confided in. We have been so blessed to be surrounded by people who love my boys like their own.

Recently, though, something changed. Braxton started dating Cam. He started spending time at her house. During the summer, he would take Kaydon and Colton over with him. I began hearing about "Mama V." This was Cam's mom and my boys love her. A lot. Braxton started confiding in her and talking to her about his feelings, his trials, his fears, his triumphs. He spends a lot of time with her. This broke my heart. It was one thing for my boys to confide in men. It's another thing for my boys to confide in other moms. I wanted to shout, "I AM YOUR MOM!!!" But, he already knows that. And, in the end I am grateful that he has people who he can count on to help guide him through this life.

Over the weekend, I was listening to some podcasts. I love Brene Brown. She might be my new favorite person! She was talking about people who we have in our kitchen cabinet. She said that if we have one, we are blessed. If we have two or three, we have hit the jackpot. I happen to have three in my kitchen cabinet. These are people, separate from our family, who we can absolutely count on to be brutally honest with us. But, they are people who are rooting for our rise at all times. They love us. They don't bail when things are hard. They stay in there with us, no matter what. They love us and stand by us because we are imperfect. They pick us up when we fall and walk with us when we are gradually finding our way on our own. She talks about the importance of this kitchen cabinet. These are not people who we have to put makeup on for, or try to pretend to be someone we are not for. These are people who just love US. As is. I have my B Beck, my Miss Teresa, and my Miss Birdie. These are three women who will never lead me astray. Ever. They will love me and pick me up no matter what. And, they do. I hit the jackpot.

In other news, I am getting strong. For me. For my boys. For my sanity. I am getting strong. I don't weigh myself. Once you've had an eating disorder and you've gone through the healing process, weighing yourself is cruel. So, I don't do it unless I am beginning a challenge. I don't want to lose weight and so I'll weigh myself to ensure I'm doing okay with that. Last night, I went in to love on Jackson and Kaydon before bed. They were watching Beauty and the Beast, which pretty much melted my heart. Anyways, Jackson said, "Mama, you're getting strong." So, I took a dang selfie, People!

For me. So that I can be in someone's kitchen cabinet. We all need a kitchen cabinet with people like my three. We also need to be that person for others.

Single Mom Gig - The Real Deal

Although I try to be positive, patient, hopeful, prayerful, and faithful, this single mom gig is a struggle. It is lonely. It is exhausting. It is scary. It is not what I envisioned when I thought of my future. Sometimes I cry. A lot. Sometimes I wonder why such a righteous desire of being loved and having a worthy, honorable eternal companion is seemingly unattainable. I texted my pops on Saturday, asking him to give me a blessing on Sunday when the boys and I would be down for dinner. He, of course, obliged. Then, Kaydon came in and asked me what was the matter. I had been off all day. I had been quiet, tired, teary, and a bit lethargic. I told him how I was feeling. He told me to rest, then he told me to text Becky Beck and ask her what to pray for. Isn't that sweet that my boys knows who I need to go to for specific answers?! So, I listened to him and I did just that.

B Beck told me that one of my spiritual gifts was that I love, with my whole heart, unconditionally. She told me that I am lovable. She told me that while I am praying for companionship of a loving, adoring, honorable priesthood holder who can take me to the Temple, I can be praying for other things in the meantime. She then told me of a friend of hers. Her friend dated a lot years ago, similar to what I have been doing for the last year and a half. She then decided to begin praying for contentment as a single mother. She prayed that her need of intimacy and companionship would go away until the day when Heavenly Father was ready for her to find her companion. I needed to hear that. And, I promised her that I would do that with as much faith as I could muster. I then watched the Women's General Session and heard words that were comforting to me in many ways.

Sunday, the boys and I drove down to Sandy. I had been prayerful for about 24 hours that my pops would be able to speak for my Heavenly Father and tell me exactly what I needed to know. Shortly after arriving, I asked Pops if he could give me the blessing. I was so eager! He, my mom, Jackson and Kaydon and I sat in the living room. He began by asking me what was going on. I explained to him how I was feeling. He then told me that he would be back. He went upstairs and prayed. Do you know I know that he loves me? You just read it. He listened, then went upstairs to listen to the Father so that he could talk to me for Him.

My pops gave me the most beautiful father's blessing. He paused repeatedly, and for long periods of time, as he listened specifically to the Spirit. At one point, he said out loud, "I'm not sure I understand how to tell her that." My heart about burst. He cried through most of it. Well, we all did. When he was done, he sat in front of me and we talked about the feelings and impressions he had during the blessing. This is what I learned:
1. I have to forgive myself. My past is my past. What is done is done. It's over. Heavenly Father has forgiven me. He is waiting for me to forgive myself. I'm not sure how to do that. But, I will learn and I will do.
2. I have to learn to love myself. I have always felt extremely unlovable. This is obviously not okay. I need to work on ways to learn to love myself, to know that I am enough. I love others with everything I have. I love other unconditionally. But, I don't love myself. This is a necessary step in my progress.
3. I have the most amazing children. When I told Kaydon that I pray constantly that I will just be loved, he said, "That prayer has already been answered, Mom. You have us." He's right. I need to stop looking for prayers to only be answered in the way I envision, and start looking at all of the answers that have already been given.
4. The Lord will not let me down. He's not going to let me down as long as I am doing my best. And, I am.

Waiting means hoping, anticipating, and trusting. In the meantime, it requires me to have faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, endurance, and diligence. I have been asked to keep the commandments, standfast, press forward, and rely on Christ. I need to not cast away my confidence in my Savior. I need to work WITH Him together for my good.

After my blessing and dinner, Kaydon and Pops made a fire and then the boys played games with Nana and Pops while I watched football.

These are the real feelings of being single. It's not always fun and games. It's not always glitter and unicorns... well it's NEVER glitter and unicorns. It's hard. It can be lonely. It can feel defeating and tiring. But, it's my path right now and so I will try hard to forgive myself and love this sassy pants self of mine.

Single Mom Gig - Getting Stronger

Sunday night, Braxton and Kaydon asked me to go hiking with them. The weather is so much nicer at night time now... it's cooler and much more comfortable! We headed up Adam's Canyon around 6ish. Each time we go, I feel myself getting stronger, taking less breaks, feeling my legs working hard, feeling my heart working hard, etc. This time, I climbed that mountain without one break. Sometimes, people ask me why I go workout 4 - 5 nights per week. I go to workout at night because I need to take care of myself, too. I used to feel very guilty about that. Not anymore. You know why? Because I am getting stronger! Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am healthier and happier. I am able to do so much more with my body than I used to be able to. There are nights when I do a light workout at home, and that is just fine as well. But, this body and mind of mine are important, too. I have a lot on my shoulders, a lot on my mind, a lot of responsibility, a lot of pressure, a lot of stress. If I don't take care of me, no one else will. So, I do!!