Starting Over

The stroke was a very evident, very visual, very tangible example of having to start over.

It was clear. It was obvious. It was a guarantee that I would have to start over.

Everyone could see that.

The question was how? When? What? What would starting over look like for me?

Would I walk? Would I see? Would I be high functioning again?

Would I be independent again? Would I be able to take care of my boys again? By myself?

Then, I sat up on my own.

I learned to swallow.

I learned to cut my food right-handed, bake, roll over, bathe myself, get myself around in my wheelchair independently...

Then, I took my first steps.

These are my literal first steps.

I will never be able to explain what that felt like in that moment.

I was starting over.

I was determined to be independent again. For me. For my boys.

I was determined to succeed at everything I tried to do.

But the stroke was just a very evident example of me having to start over.

I have had to start over more times than I can count.

So have my children.

Moving. Changing schools. Changing wards. Changing neighborhoods.

Adjusting to new family members. Then old family members.

29 surgeries. Hospice. Autism. Depression. Anxiety. ADHD.

Judgements. More judgements. 

In reality, every day is about starting over if we allow it to be. 

Every day is a new day when the sun rises and the sun sets. 

Every day is a day full of choices.

Choices to be happy or to hide from the world.

I have chosen both. Sometimes in the very same day.

I will be 42 in a couple of months. (June 11th is a national holiday at our house)

I feel like since the stroke, I have quite literally chosen to start all over again.

I have decided to define myself, to set boundaries, to set goals, to set rules for myself.

I love these steps of starting over listed below. 

They are true. They are valuable. They are simple enough to do when we are in the midst of pain and heartache and fear and lonliness and anger.

Just one step at a time.

One sunrise and one sunset at a time.

First we roll over, then we crawl, then we walk, then we climb stairs. 

Then we do squats!!!

Paralyzed and powerful. 

Sweet and sassy.

Strong and brave.