The Birthday... Week... Okay, Birthday Month

When I entered my office building last Monday (the 3rd), I saw this amazing wall that Gina put together.

It made my dang month!!!!

My girls, Sariah and Amia, wrapped several gifts for me!

I opened them over the weekend.

I love my girls!!

Sunday, Nana and Pops had a dinner for us.

Carrie made these unbelievable desserts!!!

Time with these two is always my favorite!!!

My co-workers spoiled me rotten!

Matthew sent flowers.

He also changed my shower head and took me (and Sariah) shopping over the weekend.

I got a new outfit and a new workout shirt!!

Dalila spent 8 hours braiding my hair!

I love it!

Papa and Grandma brought a birthday dinner and an amazing Yankees picture for me last night!

The new bishop's wife brought me flowers last night!

I talked to Jacks on Monday.

Lots of loves from Colton, Je'Mari, Sassy, and Braxton yesterday.

Lots of texts and FB messages.

I am the luckiest, most blessed girl EVER!!

Momming

It's been a crazy few weeks.

As I look at my days, they are ALL crazy.

Don't we all feel that way??

Yesterday morning, Colton came to work with Mama.

He secretly loves that, I think.

We had our Diet Coke, Mom did some work... then we headed to a few hours of testing.

When the man came out to get Colton for the testing, Colton looked at him and said, "No thank you."

The man told him that he needed to go back with him.

Colton said, "I don't want to."

I promised him I would not leave the waiting room.

He emerged just fine.

I went back to work for a few hours, then headed to Braxton's parent/teacher conference which was just a meeting with his advisor.

Mountain High has been such a blessing for my boy and he is doing SO good.

He applied for the electrical program at the DATC for next year as well.

I am so proud of him.

Then dinner, gym, laundry, cleaning, Colton time, etc.

This morning, I am at work for a hot minute then heading to get Colton for round two of testing this morning.

When Kay and X arrived this morning, they said that I look extremely tired.

My brain and my heart are tired.

This is what I do.

But with a broken brain, the evidence of fatigue is much more glaring.

I love this quote I saw yesterday:

I can do hard things.

And people who don't believe that I am doing my best can shove it!

Starting Over

The stroke was a very evident, very visual, very tangible example of having to start over.

It was clear. It was obvious. It was a guarantee that I would have to start over.

Everyone could see that.

The question was how? When? What? What would starting over look like for me?

Would I walk? Would I see? Would I be high functioning again?

Would I be independent again? Would I be able to take care of my boys again? By myself?

Then, I sat up on my own.

I learned to swallow.

I learned to cut my food right-handed, bake, roll over, bathe myself, get myself around in my wheelchair independently...

Then, I took my first steps.

These are my literal first steps.

I will never be able to explain what that felt like in that moment.

I was starting over.

I was determined to be independent again. For me. For my boys.

I was determined to succeed at everything I tried to do.

But the stroke was just a very evident example of me having to start over.

I have had to start over more times than I can count.

So have my children.

Moving. Changing schools. Changing wards. Changing neighborhoods.

Adjusting to new family members. Then old family members.

29 surgeries. Hospice. Autism. Depression. Anxiety. ADHD.

Judgements. More judgements. 

In reality, every day is about starting over if we allow it to be. 

Every day is a new day when the sun rises and the sun sets. 

Every day is a day full of choices.

Choices to be happy or to hide from the world.

I have chosen both. Sometimes in the very same day.

I will be 42 in a couple of months. (June 11th is a national holiday at our house)

I feel like since the stroke, I have quite literally chosen to start all over again.

I have decided to define myself, to set boundaries, to set goals, to set rules for myself.

I love these steps of starting over listed below. 

They are true. They are valuable. They are simple enough to do when we are in the midst of pain and heartache and fear and lonliness and anger.

Just one step at a time.

One sunrise and one sunset at a time.

First we roll over, then we crawl, then we walk, then we climb stairs. 

Then we do squats!!!

Paralyzed and powerful. 

Sweet and sassy.

Strong and brave.

Squad

Getting a good picture was not going to happen.

Meet my squad.

Big C, Tony, Dizz.

These are my people at the gym.

Big C is a professional competitor.

He competes next Saturday. 

Tony has his first competition tomorrow.

He still has five pounds to drop.

He looks like crap and I told him that.

I don't like seeing my guys put their bodies through hell... to the brink of death.

It was distilled water only until yesterday.

Yesterday was only diuretics.

Today is nothing.

He weighs in tonight.

Competes tomorrow.

Then he can eat and drink.

Dizz doesn't compete.

He is just there.

This is where I get my hugs.

This is where I get my giggles.

This is where I go for solace.

For real.

They are my people.

They are my sqaud.

Mama Update

Last night I worked out like I was furious that I hadn't had a good workout for a week.

Usually I work out to relieve stress and to allow my body to work as best it can.

Last night, I had something to prove... I guess. 

Legs and Abs for the win.

Going to the gym is my thing.

It's my way to get out stress and emotions. 

It's how I get in tune with my strong body everyday.

It's my time to put my ear phones in and sing at the top of my lungs, not caring a bit about who hears me!

It's my time each day to get a Big C hug... until next week when he is only putting distilled water into his body in preparation for his competition.

It's my time to lift and walk and press and squat and lunge and curl and push and bend and climb.

I am so grateful for every single thing this body of mine can do!

Stitches came out yesterday.

The exact spot looks so good!
There is a bit of swelling right above it.

There are certain movements I do with my hand that hurt like CRAZEEEEEE...

But that is just muscles all trying to grow back.

Fun.

I had a rough day Tuesday.

I was missing P after someone came in and asked for him.

I was frustrated about my hand.

I was hangry.

I was extra Heidi-ish.

So, Mr. Watkins made us soup.

I ate almost the whole thing!!!

Then I heard loud noises from the shop.

I went out to see what all the commotion was.

I saw big tools and they knew right away that this was Heidi-time.

I "helped" my guys with some serious work.

Then I felt ALL BETTER!

Stupid Knife

Last Wednesday night, I was cleaning out our candle warmer with a steak knife... as you do.

Stupid knife went right through L.A.'s hand.

I really cannot remember anything being more painful in  my life!!

Cut the muscles and the nerves.

In a blasted cast.

Tetanus shot.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Stitches come out tonight. 

Hopefully I can get out of all of this tonight.

Won't be using knives anytime soon...

Getting There... Or Somewhere

I cannot remember the last time I was THIS sick.

Like, in bed or on the couch unable to move or even keep my eyelids open sick.

Like, hacking up so much crap that blood is spraying and I'm dry-heaving.

Like, someone shoot me. Please.

Thankfully, the boys have not gotten it.

When I got up this morning Braxton asked me where I thought I was going.

To work, I said.

He replied that he was taking me to the doctor.

To work, I went!

D has made loads of chicken soup, which is all I've injested.

Besides Sprite Zero, Gatorade and medicine.

A lot of medicine.

The humidifier has helped a ton.

I think.

I lasted two hours at work yesterday.

I am hoping for a solid four today.

I read somewhere that Utah is the sickest state in the nation right now.

I have no idea how they figure that, but seriously I feel like I have put in my solid effort to keep us at #1!

I Scream, You Scream...

Seriously, though.

Jackson and I went to a team holiday dinner with some of the girls that I love.

We went to the Cheesecake Factory.

What did I get for dessert?
DUH! 

Seriously, duh People.

I got freaking ice cream!!!

This was no small portion, I tell you.

Do you love Jackson's reaction?
Nothing.

He doesn't even blink an eye anymore.

He knows full well his mama is going to eat all of it and enjoy it until my tummy hurts for the rest of the weekend.

Which it did.

I would, in fact, like to give you a run-down of my eating since Friday.

Friday: a 24 ounce steak. I hate the whole dang thing, too.

That night with D - Mongolian Grill.

Mmmmm hmmmmm.

Saturday: Cheesecake Factory - Avocado eggrolls, salmon, and 5 pounds of ice cream.

Sunday: Chicken, pasta salad, cookies. (Plural on the cookies)

Monday: More ice cream because I had a bad day when I forgot to send my kids to school, which is merely an excuse. I just wanted ice cream.

Tuesday: Back on track, People. Back on the dang track.

When I woke up this morning, there was a gift sitting on my chair.

What to my wondering eyes did appear...

Sunglasses!

From my Jackson!!

They are so fancy!

And in this fancy clutch-type thing.

Is that what you call this?

I could use this thing as a purse!

AND, it also came with a bag!

You know, to keep them safe or whatever.

I'm kind of new at this fancy stuff.

I've never had sunglasses from any place other than the Dollar Store.

Aren't they SO amazing?!

Isn't my Jackson SO amazing?!

Hello August!!

Hello, August! I am really, quite eager to see what you have in store for us. July was quite exciting... full of emotion and adventure, trials and tribulations, joy and happiness, anxiety and strength! It was my first full month back at the gym. It was scout camp for Kaydon. It was more working 60 hour weeks for Jackson and Braxton. It was Jackson receiving the Melchezidek Priesthood. It was a month of being strong and voicing my convictions like the strong, courageous woman I have grown to be. It was changing my eating so that I FEEL better. It was lots of coloring and reading and sitting under shade trees. It was loving on my boys as much as I possibly can.

This picture is hitting crazy-close to home for me right now. I feel like my whole existence has been about trying my best to raise these boys of mine. To do everything needed for their existence. To love them and teach them and train them and direct them. Oh, the number of times I have failed is infinite. But, right now... in this moment... as we await Jackson's mission call... I feel like anything but a failure. I feel love. I feel gratitude. I feel strength. I feel a remembrance that this really has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with my Heavenly Father and my Savior and their grace and their love for my family. We have never walked alone. Ever. I have never doubted that there is a meeting of angels held every morning on our behalf. Everything is fine! Right now, I want to hold on to my babies just a little longer, but I've done my best to teach them to go out in the world and be their best selves. Jackson is about to embark on just that and he's ready. Of that, I am sure.

Time

Sunday after church, I took a drive all by myself. I took I84 to I80 West and in to Park City. The drive there and back was exquisite. The colors are so bold. There are reds and golds. Along the highway are small streams that were glistening with the midday sun reflecting off of the cold water. There were no cars on the road. Just me and a couple of truckers. I had the NFL football game on the radio until all I heard was static. Then it was just me and the sound of the truck driving. It was such a beautiful drive and I was able to think. Just me.

Personal Body Guards

Last night, after the boys went to mutual, K came and picked me up for a motorcycle ride. I'm slightly obsessed with his motorcycle and going for rides. I had an extremely stressful day and it's been one of those weeks where I just feel like I am crushed by the weight. We rode off in to the most beautiful sunset, and to get some frozen yogurt. Heaven.

When I returned, literally one hour later, this is what I saw at the top of the stairs. I could not stop laughing. Look at them!!

If a girl has got to have bodyguards... these are the ones to have! How cute are they?!?! I asked them when they got home from mutual. There was no mutual. The leaders just took them to get ice cream, so they got home about five minutes before me. Can you even stand the cuteness of these boys of mine?!

Brandon called me yesterday to say that Jackson was worried about me dating and wanting me to by home. I talked to Jackson about it last night. Sweet Boy said that he likes that I'm dating and that it's really important, but that they are just so sick of seeing me get hurt by dirt bags. Amen, Jacks! I normally go on 2-3 dates a week, and try to go on lunch dates so it doesn't effect my boys. They like to hear all of the details about everything. And, to a point, I completely oblige. I think they are at an age where, if they are asking the questions, they really do want to know and that once they have the answers, they are able to worry less.

How blessed am I?!?!

Awww, The Blessings of Mamahood

Monday, I received an email from Jackson's seminary teacher sent me the following message:


He’s a wonderful kid, and I’ve enjoyed his calming influence in class. He has a set of intangible skills that really uplift the class as a whole.

Thanks for letting me know and never apologize for a family situation! Family, at least in my mind, is what it is all about. I’m glad that Jackson was able to help out at home. He’s a wonderful kid, and I’ve enjoyed his calming influence in class. He has a set of intangible skills that really uplift the class as a whole. Thanks for letting me know, and I’ve changed it to parent excused. If it happens again, just let me know.

Thanks for all you do as a mother. You obviously are doing something well, because kids don’t turn out as good as Jackson without an awesome mother like you! In fact, if I may, let me quote your son. In his get-to-know-you letter to me, he said, “She is seriously the most amazing person and I love her to death…” I hope you get a thank you every now and then from your kids, but you should know that it is evident to me as a teacher of one of your children that you are doing a marvelous job!

Jackson missed a day of seminary last week because Colton was sick and school and I couldn't get away to go get him. Jackson went and checked him out, then stayed home with him. I had emailed his teacher to excuse his absence. The above email was his response.

What Jackson said in his class was so touching and it made my mama heart swell!! We don't often hear this stuff directly from our kiddos, but when we do... it's HEAVEN!

Update - Mama

I am 40!
Height: 5'5"
Hair: Don't ask!

I am still working at Ogden City, and feel so blessed to be there. I am well-taken care of and I really do enjoy my job on most days! I work with the greatest people!! I quit Kohl's a few months ago. P and my bishop finally talked me in to it. It's been an adjustment, but a good one!

I am super emotional, sensitive, feisty, sassy, impatient, strong, vocal, and loyal.

I am currently dating one person, but feel pretty lucky that I have been able to date several different people and really allow myself to say "no" to what I didn't want. I also feel super lucky to be dating Mister right now. I go to the gym four nights a week for an hour. I continue to feel my body and my mind getting stronger. It's also "me" time that is healthy and a good outlet for stress. I still love to color and am always doing that when I am just relaxing. I also LOVE being an auntie! I love going and loving on those baby boys.

I love my boys more than words can say. I am so stinking proud of them. They are stronger than they know and better than they believe. They are funny and fun. I love that they still go on dates with me, and that they are the ones who ask to do it!

I love me, too.