Butterfly Mouth-to-Mouth

So, while we were at Bear Lake, I walked by Kaydon who was on the ground and asked him what he was doing... He informed me that he was giving a butterfly CPR. And, sure enough, yes he was! He was holding a deader-than-dead butterfly and was giving it mouth-to-mouth. I told him to get his mouth off of the dead butterfly. He told me that he couldn't do that... he told me that he was blowing into it to give it air so it could breathe. I was disgusted by the fact that my child had a dead butterfly up to his lips, breathing into it... until I thought about it more last night, almost a week later. Isn't that the point? Isn't the point of this life that we help each other out when we need it? Isn't the point that when we can't stand on our own, we help each other stand? Isn't the point that we do hard things in order to help each other? Good job, KK!!!

Kung Fu Artists

Last night, the monsters and I went to see Kung Fu Panda 2. Love me some Jack Black!! Anywho, I should have known what would happen AS SOON as the lights in the theater came back on... four kung fu monsters on my hands! When we got home, they continued their kung fu ways, calling themselves "kung fu artists!" Lovely. Awesome. At one point, while they were outside on the trampoline, with their shirts off (of course), we heard, "Let's GO! I'm gonna kill you!" That's when Mama Bear had to step in and inform them that if I heard that again, they would find out what a REAL kung fu artist looks like. FYI.

One Year Anniversary

It's been one year since I entered my safe-place, my cocoon, the mental hospital!

I remember one year ago, today, like it was yesterday. I remember the feelings and the emotions. I remember telling Heavenly Father that I was done... couldn't do it anymore. I remember feeling like my kids would be so much better off without me. I remember being so angry with myself, but resolved to removing myself from this earth. I remember hating myself so much. I remember not caring that I was hurting myself. I remember being scared of going to Hell for killing myself. I remember just wanting to be numb, just wanting to sleep forever, just wanting to be done.

I remember Miss Birdie telling me that she was calling "her good friends at the Sandy Police Department." Ug. I was so mad at her for messing up my plan. My step-mom took me to the hospital, where I told the front desk lady that I took pills and wanted to die. I was immediately put in the observation room. The doctor came in and after I yelled at him for not letting me kill myself, he said, "Listen, there is only one rational person in this conversation and it's not you. We have never been in the business of letting people kill themselves and we aren't about to start now." I hated him for saying that. I don't remember anything else until I was taken off the ambulance the next day at LDS Hospital. Oh, I was so angry. I cried for 24 hours straight. I could not believe I was in a psych ward. Then, I stopped crying. I started eating a little. I started coloring. I started to going to the 25 classes a day. I started watching football with my good buddy, Tim. I started drinking the high-calorie shakes they gave me. I started smiling. I started sleeping. I started taking the medicine they gave me. I started laughing at funny things. I started caring. I started learning. I started living.

The day they released me, I was terrified to enter the real world again. I had been in a cocoon, a safe place. I couldn't hurt myself there. No one else could hurt me there. I was protected. I was safe.

It has been a long year. More bad choices. More hard days. But, more laughter. More strength. More understanding of my feelings. More understanding of my triggers. More love for my babies. More gratitude. More courage. More compassion.



I'm a butterfly now. I can fly. Not everyday is perfect, but I am better. I am stronger. I am happier. I am getting there.

Just as Miss Birdie says, I'm still on training wheels. We all are. We're all learning every single day. I'm more than just keeping my head above water now. I'm actually doggie paddling!!!

Happy Anniversary to me!!!!!!

Snow Cones

It NEVER gets old!

The Work Retreat (fun part)

Silly me... I thought that doing my work retreat AND the kids birthday party on the same weekend would be brilliant. It about killed me. The retreat went really well, though... here we are miniature golfing.

The Kids' Birthday Party

The annual birthday party has come and gone!! Yippee for the gone part! This mama is tired! The kids had a blast. Friends and family came. We had a bounce house, snow cone machine, face painting and games... Success!

Brick Wall

Colton called me today, crying, to tell me that he had run into a brick wall. I asked him how that happens. He said that he wanted to see if he could run into the door with his eyes closed. Life lesson #9,092,829! Never try to run through a door with your eyes closed! I assured him that Mommy runs into brick walls all the time!