I'm Fine. It's Fine. Everything is Fine.

This one, though.

I have talked to him a lot the last couple of days.

He called us late last night...

Well, dinner time for us and bed time for him.

He just wanted me on his phone while he helped finish up some things in the mission office.

I can't imagine, really, the emotions he is feeling.

He goes by bus to Santiago today.

At that point, he will have no further way of communicating.

They will stay in a hotel tonight, then board chartered planes tomorrow.

There are about 4,000 missionaries from Chile flying home tomorrow.

He leaves Santiago at about 11 am, their time.

He will be back home to us tomorrow night.

This one, though.

This guy has continued to be incredible.

He fixes dinner every night.

The boys come over to eat, or we take dinner to them at work.

Because of Jackson coming home and Mike going back to work on Mondays, and being in and out of jails, he and the little boys' mama decided it would be best to have the little boys stay with their mama for the next couple of weeks.

So, we are doing our best to love on them this week.

That mostly means snuggle time and making yummy treats with me, and helping dad with everything and playing games with daddy as much as possible.

 This whole "healthy relationship" thing is completely new to me. 

It's a process.

A very good process.

Finally, a sweet gal in Pocatello sent me this shirt!

It's Fine.

I'm Fine.

Everything is FINE!

Photography!

Colton and Kaydon are becoming master photographers!

Like, super good.

Like, I'm gonna hire them!

They got to take a photo with my son #5, Dalton.

Dalton has been Jackson's best friend for 12 years.

This guy can't wait to have his buddy home.

And, they brought home these pieces of gold!

I was the CUTEST.

Until I wasn't...

Last Email - Missionary Moments Chile Vina Del Mar Mission

Well this is the end. The end of the greatest chapter in my life. The end of the most amazing blessing that I have ever received. The end of working so hard for hours on end that I can barely hold my arm up at the end of the night to call the other missionaries to see how I can help them. The end of being able to walk into the water with someone that I have suffered with, that I have laughed with, and that I have helped see what Heaven really looks like. 

I am and will forever be so grateful for the opportunity that I had to serve a mission here in Chile. I await my orders from Heaven to see how I can further help the children of God here on this planet. I am not sure what is going to happen from now on, just that I will be coming home within 14 days to be in the house for another 14 days in quarantine. NO I am not sick, they are sending all of the missionaries home for now and those that are just starting will be reassigned to other missions within the states. Because I have a decent amount of time I am not sure what the Lord has in store for me. But whatever happens I will be willing to continue the work whether I am at home or in the field. I love the people here in Chile and they will be a huge part of me and the man that I have become throughout my time here. 

I thank all of you that have supported my family while I have been gone. For the love, for the patience, for the moral support. Everything. I know without a doubt that this is the true Church of our Savior, Jesus Christ. He is preparing his people for His coming and that time is coming fast. We must do all that we can to prepare, physically and spiritually. Now is the time. This is the last email that you will all be getting from me from the mission field. The next time you see me, I will be extremely bored from home!

I love you all and I will see you soon!

Elder Jorgensen

Well Done

Yesterday afternoon, this one called his mama from Chile.

"Ma. I'm coming home."

You would think I would have been squealing and jumping up and down.

Instead, my heart broke for my boy.

He said that he and his companion had already cried and cried.

I wanted to make this all go away for them both.

He has served faithfully, lovingly and diligently.

Now, his time is coming to an end.

Not the way he had envisioned.

There will be no fanfare at the airport.

Just his mama.

There will be no homecoming talk in Sacrament.

Instead, a two week quarantine at home.

There will be no celebration from his fellow missionaries in his mission.

Just a "goodbye."

This is a different world we live in.

And, I'm sad.

I'm sad for Jackson.

I'm sad for Braxton and his lack of graduation.

I'm sad for all of us.

I'm so grateful that he has served well.

So, Bubba...

Well done, thou good and faithful servant.

Babes

These ones, though.

My favorite Asher thing:

When he comes to me with his blankie, lets me hold him and snuggles into my shoulder.

My favorite Anson thing:

I tell him "bye bye" and he comes and grabs my finger to go play with him.

Uncomfortable

I'm almost 43.

Like, less than three months away from my birthday.

I have been in the most dysfunctional, unloving, inpatient, unkind, horrendous relationships for almost that long.

That was very comfortable to me.

It was what I knew.

So, I longed for those types of relationships.

I felt strongly it was all I deserved; it was as good as it would get for me.

Recovery for me has not been, and never was, about not dating or being in a relationship.

It was about learning why I had (have) an addiction to validation.

It is about learning about my worth.

Learning my triggers.

Learning my tools.

And continuing to learn all of those things every single day.

Although this picture is not of me, I feel that it is an on-point representation of me for the last nine months.

While meditating every night, this is where I pictured myself.

All alone.

Amongst God's creations.

In solace.

Discovering.

Discovering me.

When I started this journey, we had a new neighbor move in next door.

It's a funny story.

A long story.

One that really only T and my boys know.

Funny nonetheless.

The boys say I ditched this neighbor 29 times.

It may or may not be accurate.

(It is)

I remember the immediate feeling of safety he brought to the complex, and to our home.

Then the neighbor bought a home and moved.

But before being gone completely, came back to our home to ask (again) for my phone number.

This time I gave it to him.

Never really expecting to hear from him.

I have declined a lot of dates in the last year.

A lot of friend requests.

A lot of phone number requests.

I deleted 700 friends from social media.

I wiped my slate clean and have built, albeit very carefully and cautiously, from there.

T has been in the know of all of it.

And, oh how I love her.

Friday, I met with my neuropsychologist.

We talked about him.

A lot.

How sad is it that this girl feels uncomfortable with different even when different is an absolute master piece?!

She explained that different is SO good for me and especially with this.

She explained that I am right where I am supposed to be.

Last night was hard.

Everything is very overwhelming to me right now.

Single parenting is rough at times.

Health issues, school cancellation, all group activities cancelled, etc.

He sat with me and asked me to please share my feelings with him.

I don't do that!

Unless your name is T, I ain't participating in that!

Then, I did.

I cried.

And it was all okay.

My heart felt peace.

I am no doubt that God is in the details of everything.

He always has been.

I am grateful for the times that I continue to take where I am in my solace, discovering myself, my feelings, my emotions, my needs and my wants.

I am working on my weaknesses and my fears.

I am allowing things to be.

And, yes.

I asked my children's permission.

Kidney Stones, Tractors, and Home-Churching

Friday night, KK called me.

"Ma, I need you."

We went right to Instacare.

Yes, we were there with a whole lot of people who thought that had COVID-19.

So, yes we had to wear masks.

This Buddha of mine has more kidney stones, but they are super high because of his jacked-up anatomy.

He was in a crazy amount of pain.

He's back on meds, just trying to get through the pain.

Thursday, I think Mr. Watkins could tell that I needed him.

It was a day that P would have done with me.

He needed me to "follow him to the Green Waste Site in his pickup while he drove the grader."

I was ticked.

I wanted to drive the grader!!!

When he got to the GWS, he waved me over and I got to get into the big yellow machine!

Then, I got to get in the dump truck and load up three times, then dump it to be graded.

It was just what this girl needed!

I will never drive big yellow things or dump trucks on the regular, and frankly I pretty much suck at it, but when I get the chance once a year - it's like a P day and for that I am so thankful!

Can I just say that amidst all of the chaos - and there is SO much of that - 

Having home church is the best thing that I have ever experienced.

Ever.

That's where it is, People.

That's the whole jackpot right there.

Kaydon and Colton took care of the Sacrament.

I taught a lesson.

Kaydon shared a song.

It was perfection.

The kids are out of school for at least three weeks.

Mama is still working.

Groceries are hard to come by.

But there is so much love and so much kindness all around us.

It's such a wonderful time to take a break, re-evaluate, re-charge, re-invigorate...

It's a great time to focus on our goals and our passions.

It's a great time for a great time!