Our Thanksgiving 2015

I worked until 2 am on Thanksgiving morning, and had to be back at the store at 5 pm. I slept until noon and woke up to my house smelling divine. Josh had been working all morning, cooking and baking. He made turkey, real mashed potatoes, stuffing, a relish tray, rolls, and pies. It was absolutely delicious. After we ate, I went back to sleep until I had to be at work. Although it wasn't at all how I wanted to spend this holiday, I was beyond grateful for a husband who let me sleep, who entertained the boys, who made a delicious holiday meal. We missed Brooklyn.

This was the view from my kitchen window. Gorgeous.

Heidi + Dead Sea Mud

Two night per week, I bond with Dead Sea mud. I slap it all over my face, wait five minutes, then wash it off. It's my way of taking care of myself and reminding myself that I really do matter. Plus, it scares the crap out of poor Gus! Gus does NOT like it when Mommy is walking around looking like this. Can you blame him?!?!

Ron Jorgensen's Funeral

Today was the funeral for Ron Jorgensen, Ryan's father. I dropped the boys off in Sandy this morning to attend the services with him. They are so handsome! Colton was wearing a tie, and had his shirt tucked in, when I dropped them off. I have no idea how long that lasted. At church, it's about one hour on the dot. Hopefully, it at least lasted through the service!

I am grateful that the boys were able to be there with Ryan for this event. They didn't spend a lot of time with their grandfather, but that doesn't change the fact that he is their grandfather. I pray that he rests in peace, and that Ryan also has peace and comfort through this trying time.

Busted and Broken

I have met my match with my boss! Master Backer, as I call him, is also a wee bit high strung. The two of us together can, at times, be a bit explosive. Sometimes things get a little loud, a little animated, a little immature. Anywho, on Friday he was standing in my office doorway and was upset about something and punched the door frame. Down went my clock - which also happens to be the first gift Josh ever bought for me. Shattered. Like, the hands on the poor clock busted off. There is no saving this clock from clock heaven (yes, I do believe there is such a place).

I think he was a bit embarrassed, as he should have been! One of our garbage drivers came in to see what all of the commotion was. I may or may not have been a little upset. Weird. Anywho, he told me he would go right out and buy me another one. It just wouldn't be the same, so I went ahead and ordered a generic one from Office Depot.

I was sad.

Watery Pancakes

I got some mail a few days ago from Miss Birdie. You see when I worked at the College, Nathaniel would bring me deliveries often from my Miss Birdie - fresh loaves of bread that I did NOT share, little notes, little signs to remind me that she loved me BECAUSE I'm flawed on every level! I miss those deliveries.

I opened my package and found a little book. It's called, "Blessings." The note on the inside cover says, "To my beloved sister Heidi, I know you are tired and worn and stretched as thin as a watery pancake. I know things are tricky with finances and trying to balance it all. BUT I know you can do this. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE!! I love your guts always!!" The other side of the cover says, "Thinking of things we are grateful for is a healing balm." That is a quote from Elder Joseph B. Wirthin.

Miss Birdie knows me. She has always been so stinking in touch with the Spirit that I seem to receive notes from her JUST. IN. TIME. This is one more point of proof that I have that I am a child of God. And that He knows me. He uses his greatest daughters, really THE greatest of His daughters to bless me and to remind me that I am known and heard and loved. These daughters get my boy home from school, send me sweet messages, offer to bring dinner so my children don't starve, make me laugh at work, and remind me that I really can do hard things.

I have written in my new book each and everyday. It sits on my desk, next to my phone, at work. I write five things in my book everyday. Today, I am thankful for a boss who keeps a stash of Starburst candies in his office for me, among other things.

Changed Heart

Last night at 9:30 pm, my boys' paternal grandfather passed away. Ronald Jorgensen is the father of their biological father. He is a military veteran, the father of five children, and grandfather to several. He has not had a relationship with any of his children, besides Ryan, who has lived with him for the past several years. Ron was 85 years old when he passed away. In recent days, Ryan had moved him to the VA Hospital, where he was cared for and without pain. Ryan believes that he passed away peacefully and without pain. Ryan was the only one with him, and returned home alone. That thought makes me sad.

Ryan and I did not have a good marriage. In fact, it was a very bad marriage. I carried a deep hatred for him for years and years. I prayed daily for all the wrong things. I prayed that he would pay his child support, that he would take responsibility for the boys, that he would do this and do that, or stop doing this or that. One day, B. Beck was talking to me about it. This has been a few years ago now. I was explaining to her my frustration, my anger, my fury. She asked me if I was praying. I explained that I was. She asked me what I was praying for and I told her. She quietly (in B. Beck fashion) told me that I needed to stop praying for those things. Rather, I needed to pray for forgiveness, for love, and that Heavenly Father would make up the difference for me and my boys. I agreed that I would do that. That night, I began. From that moment, literally, I have had zero feelings of hate. Although things have been very, very difficult, I know that Heavenly Father has made up the difference. He has blessed us with Priesthood holders to bless my children. He has blessed my children with the ability to feel the Spirit in ways that others cannot. He has blessed us with food and clothing when I had no means to purchase either. He has blessed us, literally every single step of our travels, with mortal beings to walk beside us. Every step of the way. And, he has wiped the hatred from my heart and from my Spirit.

This does not mean that I don't still get frustrated, because I do. But, I have forgiven him. I have had a changed heart. Right now, that heart of mine hurts for him and for his loss. I cannot imagine being alone at a time like this. And, he is. I pray that he will have comfort, peace, and solace as he goes about the next few months alone.

This lesson has carried over into a new relationship - one that has proven to be equally difficult. The relationship between our daughter's other parents and us is strained, to say the least. The other parents choose to use name calling and yelling as a way of communicating. It tears me up to the core. I lay awake at night wondering why. Two nights ago was one of these nights. Finally, the thought of B. Beck sitting with me in Café Rio, telling me to pray, came to my mind. I prayed immediately that I would have a forgiving and forgetting heart, that I would not think about it or let it hurt my heart. The feelings of confusion, frustration, and anger disappeared. Whenever they pop back up in my mind, I pray again. And again. And again. I pray that they will go away. I pray that I will not have them. I pray that I will let it go . And, then I do.

Today, I pray for Ryan's comfort. I pray that he will have the strength he needs to make tough decisions. I pray that he will not feel alone. I pray, also, that I will continue to have a changed heart anytime my heart is turned away from the peace and solace that the Spirit brings us when we ask.

SOOOOO Big

I say pretty often that I feel like I am good at nothing right now because my hours are long and hard, I am tired, I never see my children or my husband, and I just generally feel like a complete and utter failure. Well, what do you know?! I walked into my night job on Monday night and saw this beauty.

My favorite part about this certificate is that it couldn't list all of the responsibilities I have there, so it just ended with "anywhere."

Do You Feel Cute?

I've had some neat opportunities while working retail. I've been asked to be a fashion consultant on a few occasions, which is a little bit hilarious because I HATE shopping. I pretty much look in my closet and think to myself, "What is most like pajamas that I can get away with for my 18 hour day?"

Last week, I was cleaning out the Juniors fitting room (which is always fascinating). There was a teenage girl trying on clothes. Her mom and her brother were there with her and they were saying things like, "You look like a boy." "You look like a dude." "Why do you want to look like a dude?" "That is not flattering." I quietly turned around to look at the teenage girl, who had her back to me. The mom caught a glimpse of my catching a glimpse at her. Her mom quickly said, "Turn around so that lady can look at you." The girl turned around. The mom said, "Doesn't she look like a guy?!" I could tell the mom was just itching for me to say, "YUP! She sure does look like a dude!" When, instead, I asked the teenage girl, "Do you feel cute?" The girl nodded her head "yes." I said, "Done!" Then, I walked away. The brother yelled, "Don't you think she looks like a dude?" I turned around and said, "If she is dressed modest and SHE feels cute, then nothing else matters." Then I continued to walk away.

As I spent the rest of the night cleaning, organizing, folding, answering questions, cleaning, organizing, folding... you get the picture, I thought about that conversation. Was I living what I had just said? If I felt cute, and if I felt modest, was that good enough? Or, was I still clamoring for acceptance? Sometimes, I think I am still waiting for someone to tell me that the way I look is good enough. But, why does it matter?

When I was looking for the picture in this post, I found another one. I've heard it before, but it hit me hard today. It says something to the effect of if we, in our homes, give our children enough self-esteem that when they go out in the world nothing can poke a hole in that, we have done our job. It's so true! I hope that my kids know that they matter, no matter what the world says. And, I hope they always know that I am in their corner. Always.

Nana Visits & Warriors

On Saturday morning, Nana drove up to bring us 14 pints of homemade honey from Lovell, Wyoming AND to bring Little Miss her new cape. Nana gave Kaydon a cape a few years ago and he still wears it often, as he pretends to be a warrior who is saving the world. Gosh, I love that kid! Brooklyn likes to "train" with Kaydon. Brooklyn can't adequately train with Kaydon without a cape. Duh! So, Brooklyn has been begging Nana to make her a cape. Saturday, Nana brought her the cape. Brooklyn and Kaydon "trained" for the rest of the day. She came in and told me that she had made it to "knighthood." Becoming a warrior takes a little more practice! ;)

Grand Breakfast

This morning, Nana and Pops drove up from Sandy to have breakfast with Colton. They celebrated grandparents. I was so, unbelievably grateful to know that my Colton was not alone on this morning. He was with two people who love him so, very much.

I have always had so much gratitude for my family, who has always loved my children with every ounce of their soul. My children know it, too. They know they are loved. They know they are cared for.

My Gay Brothers - Part Two

Earlier this year, I wrote this blog post.

It is about these two right here.

This morning, I began to read social media posts about the LDS Church not allowing children of same-sex couples to be members of the Church until they turn 18. It's all over the place. I'm sure that if another religious entity came out and said something similar, it would be all over the place as well. But, since it's a little closer to my heart, mind, and soul, I can't seem to not notice that it's every where.

This "ruling," has definitely brought forth conversation. Everyone has an opinion, don't they? Some of the posts I have read state, "I hope this makes people get out of that effed up cult." Others have said, "This made me cry." Even others have said, "If you don't know, then don't speak." There is anger, frustration, fury, shock, sadness, confusion, and animosity for sure.

I feel that we all have our right to an opinion. We also have the ability to choose for ourselves. Do we live in the world or of the world? Do we hold to a Gospel that we believe in and continue to support and sustain a Prophet who we love? Do we sit in our circles and bad-mouth people - whether it's because we disagree with the life styles of others, or if it's because we disagree with the First Presidency's ruling? Do we choose to act high and mighty, as if we are better than anyone? Do we choose to love others, no matter what? Do we choose to lift up, hug, smile at, emotionally support those who are hurting, who feel alone?

I have not yet talked to my brothers about this ruling. I do not ever speak for them. I imagine Logan is receiving questions and comments, but I don't even know that for sure. And if he is, he can handle himself. I have no doubt about that. But let me say this - my brothers are sons of God, just as I (a straight, white girl) is a daughter of God. Their worth is no different than mine, or yours. In fact, anyone who sits down and takes 5 minutes to get to know them falls in love with them. They are just that amazing.

I don't know if my brothers plan to provide me with nieces or nephews. That is not my business, just like it's no one's business. But if they do, those babies will be loved just as much as if they came from my straight brothers. Oh my gosh will they be loved!

I don't know the answers to everything. I don't know the reasoning behind the "ruling" given by the First Presidency. I don't know what inspiration they received. But, I do believe that they are good men, called of God, to lead and guide this church on Earth. I do believe that. I sustain them. I love them.

I also love my brothers, oh so much. Because I love them as much as I do, I will defend them to the core. If people don't have anything nice to say, maybe they shouldn't speak. If people think that they are better than anyone else on this planet, maybe they should be humbled. (This includes me! I can be quite the feisty pants!) If people think that other people "deserve" something because they don't agree with them, no one "deserves" anything! No one.

Please be kind. Please smile. Please love. That really is what the fundamentals of the Church come down to.

Favorite Sassy Pants

I mean, seriously. Look at Little Miss Riyo. This girl has had my heart for a couple of years! She is the granddaughter of my friend, LeAnne. She is seriously perfection. Since she was one, she has talked just like an adult. She does NOT like people to touch her hair. She gives the best hugs. And, when she says, "Love you Heidi," I about die of a swollen heart!

LeAnne sent me this picture today and it made my day. I love this angel-baby!!

Dating

Last night, while I was working, a lady came in. She was with her daughter, who I would guess is around 8 years old. This sweet lady told me that she had been asked on a date. She said that she needed help because she didn't know what people wear on dates anymore. She was dressed in a pair of jeans that was several sizes too big for her. She also wore a Star Wars t-shirt with a very large fleece jacket, eye glasses, and her hair down in her face. I told her that I knew just how she felt. I remembered the fear of dating. Once you've been married, and had kids, dating again is terrifying. It's weird. It's not natural. It doesn't feel right and the anxiety that comes along with it is intense.

I immediately felt bonded to Sweet Lady. I asked her if she just wanted a top. She said that she probably needed everything. We immediately began. We found a couple of tops and a couple of pairs of jeans. Then we headed to the fitting room. She began to light up, having so much fun trying on clothes. After a couple of minutes, she asked if I thought she should take her eye glasses off for the date. I asked her to show me what that would look like. Oh my gosh... gorgeous!!

We found the perfect outfit for her. She asked if she needed earrings. I grabbed some earrings. She was set! She came out of the fitting room and hugged me, crying. She thanked me for helping her. In reality, she helped me! To spend my time making someone feel the beauty that they are was a blessing.

It made me think of my first date with Josh. We met in the Layton Hills Mall parking lot and drove to Baskin Robbins in Layton. Brooklyn was with us. We had some ice cream, then drove back to the parking lot. I remember being so nervous. I am pretty sure I wore levi capris and a V-neck t-shirt. Nothing special, really. But, I remember the nerves!

I so hope that Sweet Lady has the best time on her date. More importantly, I hope that she feels as beautiful as she is when she gets dressed and walks out of the house!!!

Halloween 2015

For the second year in a row, we were kidless on Halloween. Brooklyn was with her other family and the boys had sleepovers at Papa and Grandma's house. I have the cutest dang video of the boys with Papa and Grandma, but I cannot for the life of me figure out how to upload it to the blog.

Brooklyn was a cat this year, and a beautiful one at that.

Gus got Mom and Dad all to himself. He was straight up traumatized by Halloween! The doorbell going off, the knocking at the door, and then crazy looking creatures standing there. He finally started shaking and crying around 8:00, so I turned out all of the lights and called it a night. Poor little guy!