Strong

I have been trying different things to keep my calories up - therefore avoid an eating disorder while I am in treatment (addicts sometimes substitute one addiction for another), have my tummy work properly (think poop!!!), and continue to strengthen my body since the stroke.

My guys (C, Tony and Diz) at the gym are pretty much the greatest support system of all time - physically and emotionally.

Hugs for days from these guys.

Tony recently pushed me to go higher on weights.

I didn't think I had a chance.

Come to find out, I can do it like a boss!!

Working out is such a release for me.

It's a great activity for me to get my mind and my body where it needs to be.

My body is strong and active and healthy, despite the weaknesses.

My mind is getting stronger every single day.

Together - we are pretty much awesome sauce!

This Girl Won't Stop

This is the cover of the journal which I am keeping daily progress/set-backs in.

My Stephanie sent it to me.

It's perfect.

I want to thank every single person who has forgiven me, encouraged me and loved me... and especially those who continue to do so.

June 24, 2019 is really like a birthday to me.

It's the day that I decided to define my addiction, and determined to never fall back into it.

I have written a list of five items and they are then broken out into what I will do to accomplish each one daily.

Then, the next day I write about what I did or didn't do on that particular item.

Then, I send a picture of the entry to my "sponsors," who include my dad, my brother and my T.

I am ashamed and embarrassed. 

I am confused as to how I got to this point and how I could have possibly stayed in this addiction for 20 years, thinking all along that I had it under control.

I am also SO grateful for those who are praying for me and who are in-tune with the Spirit and telling me exactly what Heavenly Father would want me to know. B Beck, Miss Birdie, My Mr. and Mrs. Watkins - who I am positive P is whispering in their ears exactly what to say because I swear they are his words, my Tina, my Jody and so many more.

My Miss Birdie said this to me last night:

You are hard wired for love and belonging and connection.

There is NO shame in that.

I truly believe some of us remember the amazing love we felt

from our Heavenly Parents and spend a lifetime

trying to recreate it unsuccessfully.

You are grasping at anything that will help you recreate the love

that your mind and heart remember.

Satan is using that against you.

It's not defective. The veil could not erase off of the love

you knew because it was so much a part of you as a spirit.

You are NOT hopeless. You have been misguided

on where to find love. You can relearn who will fill your heart with the love

you crave, the love your Spirit remembers.

I cannot describe the peace this brought to my heart.

Happy New Day

I am not going to go into detail here.

I don't feel it's necessary at this point, and I am trying to be a bit more private right this minute.

I am broken. 

I have an addiction.

I have had an addition for 20+ years.

I am ready to get intense, professional help.

For me. For my boys. For our family.

I am scared - terrified really.

I am hopeful.

My heart is literally broken and my spirit is contrite.

I am ready.

I know that this is going to be the most difficult thing I have ever done, and I've done some hard things.

But, I am ready.

To my family and my T: 

Thank you for standing beside me and behind me and in front of me.

To my boys:

Mama is ready to be mended, treated, and the very best mama that I can possibly be! The mama you deserve. The mama that I've always wanted to be.

To everyone else:

I will probably be a bit radio silent for a while. You can still purchase Younique from my website and Green Horizen from my website. But, I am not going to be going full-blast for a while. I need to mend myself and my family.

Much love.

Dear Ones-

This is going to be a long post.

And maybe not so uplifting.

But real.

A real, long post.

Yesterday sucked.

Like, in the history of sucking it was at least a six on the sucking scale.

No one that I love died. No one that I love was injured or hospitalized.

I didn't have another stroke. Or a heart episode. By some miracle.

But, emotionally and mentally it was so draining that I have to give it at least a six on the suck meter.

I was accused of some pretty powerful things yesterday, including being "aggressive," being an "angry person," being "disrespectful for not looking at someone during certain meetings..." The list actually goes on and on, but the point is that I was stunned into silence as I was sitting across from the person accusing me of these things. I began to weep. In the meeting. Weep. I was told that I shouldn't laugh at funny things. Nor should I root for the rise of certain people unless I root for the rise (aggressively) of other certain people. I should not ask questions. I should not praise certain people unless I (aggressively) praise other very certain people.

Dear Ones, this came from a person who has never taken the time to ask what I do. 

Never taken the time to ask who I am.

Never taken the time to ask my guys how they feel about me and what I do.

Never asked any questions at all.

Just made accusations against my very fragile character.

As I walked out of the office and around yesterday, with red, dry, swollen eyes because I cried about seven of the nine hours I was at work, my guys began to loudly ask, "Who made her cry??! "Who did this to her?" "We love you, Sis!" "Come here. Let's hug."

I then chose to read a Facebook post. It was not directed at me in particular, but was directed at me in a sense. It was harsh. It pointed fingers at those who "aren't focused and don't have their goals set on being leaders." "Who aren't making our businesses our priority." "Who aren't saving our money the way they would." 

And I broke.

Like, broke.

Like a shelf full of D.I. dishes stacked poorly broke.

Shattered all over aisle three.

Can you hear the loud speaker, "Clean up on aisle three... and probably call for back-up."

I was pissed. 

Have I told you I hate that word? I do.

But, Ones. I was pissed. And broken. And shattered.

I have been told many things over the past 20 years. And even before that.

I have been told I'm too fat. I'm too skinny. 

I have been asked if I know how children are made because I seem to have so many.

I have been asked what is wrong with my children when they have been hooked up to life-saving medical equipment.

I have been told I'm a bad mom. I have been told I'm a good mom. 

I have been told I am irresponsible. I have been told I'm too nice.

I have been told to keep my mouth shut because no one wants to hear what I have to say.

I have been told that I have a voice and to use it.

I have been called sassy, brassy, feisty, protective, emotional, bitchy, devoted, committed...

I have been told that I am no longer welcome to be a friend because I am not in their status (divorced, single mom).

I have been told that my children will fail because they don't have a father figure and because I caused that.

I have been told that I have no filter. 

I have been told that I might be paralyzed for the rest of my life.

I have been told that if I have another stroke, it will kill me.

I have been told that my child would be put on hospice at age three.

I have been told that my child is Autistic, has pediatric anxiety, learning disorders and ADHD.

I have been told that my child wants to take his own life because his depression is not under control.

I have been told that my child needs to be in a lock-down facility at age four because his trauma from abuse is too much.

I have been told that my mama has cancer.

I have been told my dad cheated on my mom.

I have been told my husband cheated on me and made a baby.

I have been told my husband cheated on me with my best friend.

I have been told, due to my husband's abuse, my children could be taken away at ages four months, thirteen months, 22 months and 3 years old.

I have been told that I need to do more.

I need to be more.

I am not enough.

I am not worthy.

I am not pretty enough, smart enough, good enough.

To that, Dear Ones, I say:

Please. Please walk one 24-hour period in my shoes.

Wake up at 5 am and go to the gym, once you remember what you need to wear and what you need to take with you to get there. Work out. Go home.

Remember what you need to do to get ready for work. 

Shower, hair, makeup, get dressed (remember, Heidi, you set all of your clothes out the night before. They are all laying on the cedar chest). 

Oh, and remember that the shampoo and conditioner have to be used every day. Remember to wash with soap and remember to brush your teeth and take your pills. You're doing great, Heidi.

Go Live. Because I have a business, go live. Fake it until you make it, Heidi. Smile. Remember, there's notes there for you to remember what to say and you set your makeup out the night before to help you.

Kneel to say prayer.

Remember, Heidi, you have to wear shoes when you leave the house.

Make a protein shake. Remember, Heidi. You have to plug in the blender. It's sitting right next to the plug for you to remember.

Grab your lunch from the fridge. It's in the grocery bag on the second shelf. That's what you take today.

Go to the car. 

Remember, we go straight. Get on the freeway. Remember that merge sign there. We just go straight. Just a straight shot to 31st Street. Then left. Then left again. You're doing great.

Remember, put your lunch in the fridge. Get some water in your hospital mug.

You're doing great, Heidi.

Look at your notes next to your phone. Radio on. Computer on. Remember, the password is written down right there for you. Look at your notes. Check your three calendars. It's all right there for you. 

You're doing great, Heidi.

Work for nine hours. Do it. If you can't remember, look at your notes. Don't let anyone think you don't have this completely under control.

During lunch, schedule posts for your business. Schedule blog posts for your business page. Message people for your business. Write down orders, with all of the information you've outlined on your form. 

Go home. Walk right to the kitchen. Make dinner. Remember, it's all written on the chalkboard. Make dinner and put it on the table. Tell the boys it's ready. 

Grab a garbage bag. Go clean the complex. The whole thing. Remember to go behind the buildings, too. It's gross, so wash your hands as soon as you walk in. Report the clean-up. 

Go back home. Do you need to do your laundry today? What are the boys needs? Pull them aside one-by-one and find out what they need from you.

Do we need groceries? Is there money for groceries? Heidi, don't eat dinner. There needs to be enough to fill the boys' tummies.
You're doing great, Heidi.

Go upstairs. Set out your clothes for the next day. Set out your makeup for the next day.

Do the boys have somewhere they need to be? What is the car situation tomorrow? Write it down. 

Make sure the dishwasher is empty.

Does the bathroom need cleaned? Do I need to vacuum?

You're doing great, Heidi.

Take your nighttime pills. You are so tired. 

Wash your face. 

Run your business for an hour, or so. Post, message, prepare, package up orders, prepare to send out packages. 

You're doing great, Heidi.

Read your scriptures. 

Say your prayers.

Call the boys in to say family prayers.

Turn on your meditation.

Go to sleep.

Wake up in the middle of the night to read messages and write more notes that I thought of when I was in dream land.

Check on boys.

Close your eyes again.

Sleep.

Do it all again.

You're doing great, Heidi.

So, the next time someone wants to accuse me of things that are pretty powerful... pretty damning... pretty outrageous, please come grab my shoes that I remembered to wear today and walk in them. Use this stroke-riddled brain. Use this broken heart. Use these mommy arms that never forget that there are four boys who fit perfectly in them. The next time you want to tell me that I don't save my money well, therefore I can't be at convention this week, therefore I will not succeed - ask me the last time I ate dinner... ask me how much I had to borrow from my sweet boy's mission fund to pay rent... ask me the last time my boys and I did anything fun... ask me what I would actually spend saved money on -- the answer would be school clothes for my boys, which they won't be getting because I have no money. 

Dear Ones, we are all doing the best we can. At least, I am. 

That's all.

Vision

I created a July Vision Board yesterday. It is on my favorite color - YELLOW!

It has goals for home (momming, housekeeping, cooking), self care (exercise, food, water, yoga, meditation, sleeping) and my business. I didn't put what I want to accomplish... I put what I am going to DO. I strongly believe that if we do our best... put forth our very most terrific effort... everything we have... Heavenly Father will make up the difference. So, I am not focusing on the OUTCOMES I would really like to see... I am focusing on what I will do and let the outcomes be what they will be.

I feel like mindset is so important and it is something that I am working on constantly... like never-endingly. I know that's not a word but just go with it for now, please!

When I started my business, T told me that her husband told her to give it FIVE years. He told her not to give up for five years, to give it her all for five years. A while ago, I told R that I was going to give it a year. He asked me why I was putting a time stamp on it at all. He was right. I am all-in. I recognize that I am not going to be uber successful on day #2. But, my mindset is such that if I don't seem to be having success in one area, I will focus on another area. It's kind of like the whole, "If one door shuts, open a window!" I work every single day to be successful in my business. I treat it like I am a professional... a hot mess professional.. but a professional. I go Live everyday. I post everyday. I have started a business account. I do in-home clinics and classes and makeovers for free. I read personal development books and watch videos and tutorials. And, I pray about it every single day. I ask God for guidance on how to grow my business and how to be successful. I LISTEN to those around me who love me for advice and suggestions. I am not an expert. I am a single mom who wants to be financially self-reliant and not question constantly how I am going to buy a gallon of milk or put gas in the cars that are well over 170,000 miles. I work full time to put a roof over our heads, but it isn't enough. So, I work harder and harder to get to where we need to be.

My mindset helps me to keep going!

P.S. This is from this morning. We have the greatest stinking Kudos this month which includes lip plumper!!!

I Can Do Hard Things

Today is the day that has given me anxiety for over a week now. I am back at work full-time.

I couldn't sleep all night. I worried and worried about how things would go and how I would handle it all. Worry is such an unhealthy thought to have. It serves us no real purpose. It is simply a story that we tell ourselves about how things could go wrong, when in fact they may go just right!

Jackson, Kaydon, and Colton knelt by my bed last night and Jackson offered a prayer on my behalf, and theirs. I have decided that I will simply do my best. I will take breaks when I feel I need them. I brought my yoga mat to stretch when I need to. I'll have my calming meditation music on when needed. I will turn off my office light for most of the day. I will breathe in and breathe out. I will take walks when I need to. I can only do my best and my best isn't what I did on December 9th. My best is what I can do right now. And that's okay.

This week, I am focusing on shadow palettes and cream shadow for my business. I hope you will join me in my Facebook group for tricks and tips and pictures of me trying new looks each day!

Silly Boys, Excavators Are For Girls!

Yesterday, I got an early morning text message from Mr. Watkins. It said, "You up for a field trip today?" DUH!!!

Beyta came and picked me up. I put on a few hoodies because it was chilly!! I climbed down in to the river bed and up in to the excavator and did some work!!!!

I love my freaking guys!

Joy in Our Journey

I spoke in Sacrament Meeting last Sunday. Oddly, speaking in front of people has never scared me. It's pretty weird, considering I'm pretty much afraid of everything! Below is my talk. I am so grateful to my mom and pops for being there. I missed having Kaydon there. He is at his week-long scout camp. I'm so grateful for my boys. So grateful to be their mom. And, so grateful for a Gospel that gives us purpose.

Good morning, brothers and sisters. For those of you who don’t know my little family, I just want to take a minute to introduce us. I work full-time for Ogden City, as the Public Ways and Parks Office Supervisor. I work with 109 of the greatest guys! Jackson will be 18 in August, and a senior at Layton. Braxton will be 16 in August, and a sophomore at Layton. Kaydon will be 15 in August, and a 9th grader at Fairfield. Colton will be 14 in – you guessed it – August, and will be an 8th grader in the Special Education Department at Fairfield. We have lived in the ward for a year and feel that being in this ward was a direct answer to fasting and prayers on our behalf a year ago.

I was asked to speak today on “Finding Joy in Our Journey.”

“Come with me back to a second-grade classroom,” says Ardeth Kapp, “where Miss Nelson was doing her student teaching in preparation for her graduation. I was her supervisor. Miss Nelson, looking like an experienced teacher, skillfully gained the full attention of each second grader. ‘Boys and girls,’ she began, ‘I’m going to tell you a story about two different neighbors, and after the story I’d like you to think about their character, or their characteristics and attributes, and be prepared to share how you feel about each one and who you would like to have as your neighbor. There was a Mr. Brown, the friendliest man in town. She told in great detail how he knew everyone’s name, including the children’s, and how he would take the time to fix a broken wheel or a worn-out wagon or tricycle and make whistles from the small branches from his tree. She then introduced poor Mr. Jones. Dropping her voice and frowning, she explained that everyone knew him – especially the children. As children would walk past his house, they could see him through the broken fence sitting alone in an old chair on his porch. The only time they saw him move was when one of the older kids would dare someone to shout at him, open his gate, or throw a rock on his lawn. Then he had a very loud voice and would stand up and shake his fist. Miss Nelson closed the book and smiled at the children, inviting their responses regarding friendly Mr. Brown. The students were excited to talk about Mr. Brown. With the discussion nearly complete, Miss Nelson posed the question, ‘Who would like to be a neighbor to Mr. Jones?’ It seemed like a strange question, with no indication of a response until one second-grade boy on the back row, near where I was sitting supervising, raised his hand hesitantly. Miss Nelson was obviously unprepared for this. There was a childish snicker throughout the classroom, but the boy with the hand raised looked straight ahead, his arm held high and his eyes on Miss Nelson. Something in that moment changed the mood. The snickering stopped and Miss Nelson said, ‘Jeff?’ He lowered his hand nervously with all eyes on him and said, ‘I wish Mr. Jones was my neighbor because if he was my neighbor, my mom would bake a pie for me to take to him, and then he wouldn’t be that way anymore.’ A hush fell over the room. Miss Nelson responded, ‘Jeff, thank you for that beautiful lesson.” I sensed a room full of second graders trying to make sense of what we had just experienced. I saw a child who was true to his conviction stand alone among his friends and make a profound statement. And then, almost as a benediction, the silence was broken by one child who spoke in a whisper just barely loud enough for all to hear, ‘I wish I’d said that.’”

Elder Richard G. Scott said, “Your joy in life depends upon your trust in Heavenly Father and His Holy Son, your conviction that their plan of happiness truly can bring you joy. You are here on earth for a divine purpose. “

I am not a scriptorian, or an expert on Gospel history. I can’t recite the scripture mastery scriptures to you. I can’t tell you every prophet’s name in the history of the Church. But, I know… I KNOW that we are children of our Heavenly Father. I know that He knows who we are, individually. I know that He hears us when we pray and comforts us when we plead for peace. I know that what He sees is oh, so much bigger than what we see. According to Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, the first step in finding joy in our journey is to have faith in our Heavenly Father.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Each of us is a son or daughter of God, endowed with something of his divine nature. Each is an individual entitled to expression and cultivation of individual talents and deserving forebearance, of patience, of understanding, of courtesy, of thoughtful consideration. Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself as a child of God. Believe in your capacity to do good in the world, to spread light and truth and understanding; to reach out to those in distress and need to help and bless them. Do you feel gloomy? Lift your eyes! Stand on your feet! Say a few words of appreciation and love to the Lord. Be positive. Keep the faith. Nurture your testimony. Walk in righteousness and the Lord will bless you and prosper you, and you will be a happy and wonderful people!”

The Book of Mormon references three different societies whose inhabitants lived after the manner of happiness. If you read through the chapters describing their lifestyle, it become apparent that each of these societies had three things in common: they knew how to work, they lived without contention. And they kept the commandments in all things. It’s a simple formula for happiness. In the beginning of the Book of Mormon, after Nephi and his people left Laman and Lemuel and fled into the wilderness, Nephi described their day-to-day conditions and said, “And it came to pass that we lived in a manner of happiness.”
Later, in the book of Alma, we read of Captain Moroni. His people were described as “those who were faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord.” Because of their faithfulness they were delivered at all times, and Mormon wrote, “Behold there never was a happier time among the people of Nephi… than in the days of Moroni, yea, even at this time.”
Last we read in Fourth Nephi of the people who lived in a time without envy, strife, tumult, lying, or murder. The scriptures state, “And surely there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God. And how blessed were they! For the Lord did bless them in all their doings.”

There have been countless times in my family’s life when we have been driven to our knees because we couldn’t think of any other place for us to go. In those moments, one of my boys would always instruct that we needed to pray. We needed the comfort of angels. We needed guidance. We needed love. Sometimes we are so busy praying for the answer we want, in the way we envision it will happen, that we almost miss the answer the Lord is sending us. Although we are praying without ceasing, the answer can go unnoticed. Our Father is completely aware of our need and the situation we are in.

Throughout our lives, there will be times when we find ourselves praying without ceasing. Heavenly Father hears those prayers. It is important for us to remember that sometimes, instead of sending the answer we want, He sends us the answer we need. When our eyes and our hearts are open to recognize those answers, we will be led to see good days.

Over a decade ago, I was praying without ceasing that my children’s father would be in their lives and would pay child support. It was a constant prayer. Constant. Never ceasing never ceased as much as it did then! One of my closest friends had taken me to lunch. She said, “Heidi, what are you praying for?” I told her. She said, “How about if you try something else?” Huh?! She said, “Why don’t you pray that you will be able to forgive him and that Heavenly Father will make up the difference for you and your boys?” Uhhh?!?! She said, “Just try it.” And I did. I have never since prayed for the unceasing pleas I once did. Since that day, both my boys and I have received numerous Priesthood blessings, telling us that Heavenly Father has blessed my boys with the characteristics they would need to be able to endure this life well. We have also been blessed that we would be taken care of.

The second and third ways that Elder Wirthlin tells us to find joy in our journey is to set goals and work to achieve them! Goals are different for each of us, and change as we continue on our journeys. Distractions are endless. Endless. As a single mom of four boys, one with special needs, who works long hours to support us… the distractions are literally endless. Whenever I hear the word, “goal,” I freak out a little bit. Okay, a lotta bit. To me, goals are big. Like, climbing Mt. Everest. Like, running a marathon. Like, starting my own business. Like, finishing the Book of Mormon in one week. I seriously don’t have time to go to the bathroom somedays! Goals don’t have to be monumental. For me, kneeling morning and night to talk with the Father is my current goal. Reading one chapter in the Book of Mormon daily is my goal. Not hurting the children is a goal. And, those are worthy goals! If our goals are righteous, the Father will help us to accomplish them as long as we are doing everything in our power to succeed.

Emily Freeman, author of Love Life and See Good Days, said, “In our attempt to see good days, our focus becomes essential. If that focus becomes impeded, if we let other things get in the way, it is hard to recognize the good that is happening all around us. Sometimes it requires heaven’s help to lift us high enough to look past the distractions and see good again.”

Ardeth Kapp said, “In our busy lives, we may look but not see, we may listen but not hear, we may think but not ponder. We can see life in many different ways – with the eye, the mind, but most importantly with the heart. We see what we are looking for, burdens or blessings, weeds or flowers. And sometimes we need help from the Gardener.”

The course of our lives is seldom determined by great, life-altering decisions. Our direction is often set by small, day-to-day choices that chart the track on which we run. This is the substance of our lives – making choices.

The fourth way Elder Wirthlin tells us to find joy in our journeys is to magnify our callings. Let’s face it, all callings – big or small – outside our home or inside our home – are service-based. That is the purpose of all callings – to serve.

Elder Uchtdorf said, “Discipleship is the pursuit of holiness and happiness. It is the path to our best and happiest self. The more we devote ourselves to the pursuit of holiness and happiness, the less likely we will be on a path to regrets.”

Be happy in that which you do. Cultivate a Spirit of gladness in your homes. Subdue and overcome all elements of anger, impatience, and unbecoming talk to one another.

President Hinckley said, “I believe that for most of us the best medicine for loneliness is work and service in behalf of others. I do not wish to minimize your problems, but I do not hesitate to say that there are many others whose problems are more serious than yours. Reach out to serve them, to help them, to encourage them. There are so many boys and girls who fail in school for want of a little personal attention and encouragement. There are so many elderly people who live in misery and loneliness and fear for whom a simple conversation would bring a measure of hope and brightness. All of us can become discouraged. It is important to know, when you feel down, that many others to also and that their circumstances are often much worse than ours. And it is important to know that when one of us is down, it becomes the obligation of his friends to give him a lift.”

My boys have had a combined 27 operations. One Thanksgiving Day, Kaydon was at Primary Children’s following one of 13 surgeries that would save his life. He was in isolation. Primary’s was our second home, and while I was there with him, my other three boys were with my parents. I remember looking out the hospital window, listening to the monitors, rocking my fragile baby. I remember wishing that we were with his brothers. I remember thinking about how the world just continued to go on. Then, I heard the dreaded, “Code Blue, Infant Unit. Code Blue, Infant Unit. Code Blue, Infant Unit.” Because Kaydon had coded multiple times, I had been asked by the charge nurse to go and stand with the parents, who were scared and didn’t understand what was going on. I realized in that moment that it was Kaydon’s little buddy, Aiden. Aiden was born with sick kidneys. He was an only child of two hard-working parents who lived in St. George. They were only able to be with Aiden at Primary Children’s on the weekends. In order to have medical insurance to afford his care, they had to continue working during the week. Aiden had surgery Thanksgiving morning to remove his sick kidneys, place him on dialysis, and await a transplant. Aiden died that day. Aiden was 10 months old. All I could do was hug his parents, pray for their comfort and their peace. There is always someone who has it worse. May we find them. May we love them.

Fifth, according to Elder Wirthlin, is to enjoy the journey. Enjoy it!!

President Monson said, “I believe one of the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey now.”

Days pass and the years vanish and we walk sightless among miracles.

Sometimes in life we become so focused on the finish line that we fail to find joy in the journey. After three back surgeries and a heart surgery, I decided I was going to run a 5k. I don’t run. Ever. Unless something big and scary is chasing me, I’m not running. But, I began training. Every night, I went out and I ran. I started by running half a mile, then a mile, and so on until I was running 3 ½ miles without walking. My boys went with me each night to practice. They ran with me and encouraged me when I was pretty positive I was dying. The day of the race, Braxton ran also. He ended up taking third place overall, then ran clear back to then run with me. I am pretty sure I came in last place, but I didn’t walk once. My boys were at the finish line cheering for me and giving me hugs and kisses. That day, and for that month, it wasn’t about the race. It was about my journey, and how sweet the finish line was! I haven’t run since!

Elder Wirthlin said, “We have so much to smile about, be happy about, yes, even to laugh about. So many of us are always waiting to be happy. If only I could graduate, if only I could afford a car, if only I could get married (and may I add – stay married)… For too many, happiness is just over the horizon, never reachable. It’s a terrible thing always to be waiting for tomorrow, always depending on tomorrow, always excusing our todays because we are sure that only in the future will we possess the things that will fulfill us. Don’t wait for tomorrow! Don’t wait for the right job, the right house, the right salary, the right dress size. Be happy now. Be willing to laugh at yourself!”

Still Going Strong

I am still going strong at the gym each week. My nutrition is another story. Whoopsie. I've put on a few pounds here and there and every where because of my lack of self-discipline with food, but life goes on!!

I joined a free challenge that starts next week. Hopefully, it will get me back on track. I feel better when I eat good. I feel better when I exercise. I feel better when I get plenty of sleep.

Work is super stressful right now, and will be for the foreseeable future. It's the busiest time of the year for special events and our division does the entire Rodeo. We are also paving roads, chip sealing, taking care of detention ponds, turning rows at Green Waste, handling the urban forest, etc. etc. etc. On top of that, we have three new software programs that go live next Thursday. These handle our financials, cashiering, and parks and rec. July 1 is the first day of the new fiscal year - so already an extremely busy time of year for me. I am feeling the tension and the stress. Doing this challenge will help me to stay on track physically which can only help me emotionally and mentally.

Or, at least we hope.

Pink

Right before I left for Oklahoma, I got my hair done. Except the girl who does it thought it would be super fun to do it bright purple/pink. I cried like a baby when she turned my chair around and revealed the finished product. I looked like Rainbow Brite, for real. I began washing it daily with baking soda and shampoo and in really hot water. It has calmed down so much! This is two weeks AFTER it was colored. It's finally starting to fade. Thank goodness.

Oklahoma

I spent last week in Oklahoma. The wind was off the hook. Trees are permanently leaning one direction... what trees there are. There was a Wal-mart, but not a big-chain grocery store. There was a Chik-Fil-A. There was a mall, with two book-end stores and nothing in between. For real. There was a nightclub and bowling alley... right next to each other. Downtown is quaint, but a lot of stores are closed down, much like the mall. Most houses are on large pieces of property, with enormous front yards. The hotel we stayed at got hit by lightening, requiring three room changes. No big deal, really. I spent the entire week relaxing. I colored for hours. I watched every movie that has ever been made... pretty sure! I walked across the four lane highway to see a movie in the only theater where there are wooden chairs, some covered in bed sheets because the fabric is coming off. I walked to one of the local, family-owned grocery stores. Everyone is so, extremely friendly... genuinely sincere. Few people have all of their teeth. But, they are so happy and so kind.

When I got home, I saw a note Jackson had left for Brothers. I am so dang proud of my boys. Nana was too sick to stay with them, so the boys were on their own. Jackson got himself and Braxton to and from work as much as he could. Uncle Brandon helped one day. Jackson got himself and Brothers to and from school every day. They ate the pre-made meals I left for them. They helped each other and supported each other. No one was injured! I am so grateful I got a week of relaxation and being spoiled... and spoiled, I was. I am so grateful my boys were safe and protected and that they got a break from Mom as well.

Be Nice!!!

You know how sometimes, we girls (and boys, too, but especially girls) say mean things to ourselves in the mirror. Well, be nice! Be nice to yourself! Our bodies are strong and useful and amazing. We need to say nice, kind things to ourselves. We are enough!

Progress

Friday Favorites will return next week... promise.

Last night, I was at the gym. I'm there four nights a week. Me and the meat heads are there four nights a week. They groan and throw weights. I tell them to knock it off. It's a happy relationship, really.

Anywho, I focused on back and biceps last night. Tonight will be legs. Saturday will be triceps/chest/shoulders. Two nights a week I do legs. Two nights a week, I break up upper body. Do you know what I love about working out? Getting stronger. Physically and mentally and emotionally. I love that I am getting stronger. I love that I am increasing weight and that my mind is forcing my body to do things that it just wants to give up on.

Last night, as I looked at this picture, I wondered what my heart and my brain must look like if this is what my biceps look like. They must getting so strong, too. They must LOOK different, I thought. They sure feel different. They feel so strong. They feel so much more healthy. They feel so much more aware. They feel so much more vocal, too!

This weekend, we will be in Sandy to watch Conference with Nana and Pops. I'll slip out to have lunch with someone, and then I'll be back to love on that Nana and spend time with my boys. We will pray for something specific that we need answers to, and then we will listen for the answer. I have zero doubt that it will come.

So Proud!

The guys framed me in the very big machine. And, they noted that I am the Operator of the Year.

Just saying.

Big Girl Toys

Basically every single time one of my guys mentions a big project they need to do to P, I chime in and say, "I CAN DO THAT!!!!" And, basically every single time I do that, P shakes his head and says, "No. NO, you can't do that Ray." Then I basically get really sad.

Mr. Watkins was telling P that his crew would have the excavator at Mt. Lewis to get it ready to be graded. "I CAN DO THAT!" Finally. Finally, P said, "If you are good this week, we'll see." You guys, I was on my bestest behavior. Basically!! Guys, I was totally SO good!

So, on Friday P loaded me in the truck and off to Mt. Lewis we went. Mr. Watkins was right there, cheering me on because I basically acted like a four year old on my first Christmas morning! I only get to play in the big machines like once a year! This excavator was enormous. P got in and made me a pile of dirt. He runs that thing like it's nothing! Then, it was my turn. P walks away because he doesn't feel great about his decision to let me do this. Mr. Watkins climbs on for a minute until I feel comfortable. Then, Chris shouts from below what buttons to push and which way to move the joystick. And, this girl... this girls right here is basically in heaven... digging holes and making piles and just giggling the whole time.

When I got out, P reminded me that this was my once-a-year worth of fun. I was so stinking happy that I didn't even care!!!

Let's Be Honest

Somedays, this is quite honestly what saves me.

Hold On!

Hello. My name is Heidi. I have a problem. I over-think.

I should seriously start a help group for people just like me. But then I would think about it all of the time and it would create the need for more help for me, less for others in the group. Anywho, I have a serious problem.

It might be the fact that my husband had a child with someone else. I mean, let's be honest - that can cause a whole lot of problems that we don't need to get in to right now. It might be the fact that I watch Forensic Files like an addict. It might be the fact that I have to analyze everything in my life. It might be the fact that I probably need to up my dose of medication. Whatever it is, I have a problem. Did I mention I have a problem??

Eric is trying to help me knock this stuff off. He has discovered that I over-think everything. Every word he says. Every little picture he sends me. Every plan we make. I over-think all of it. Yesterday, he called me. We talked for a few minutes, then I went in to a meeting. All I thought about that entire meeting was our conversation and I kept questioning (in my mind) what we talked about. After the meeting, I sent him a text that was about 1,000 words, telling him that I was so sorry for this and that and the other. He just replied, "Babe. Stop giving yourself a hard time. Just laugh." Oh. That was literally my response. "Oh."

My positive affirmation card today reads, "You are terrific. YAY!"

I'm going to work on over-thinking that sucker!

All Done

Last night I finished the Book of Mormon. I was super proud of myself, and a little sad all at the same time. I'll start it over tonight.

There are stories in the Book of Mormon that I know... not the way most people who are scripture scholars know, but I know them. I couldn't tell you who all of the heroes are, or who all of the bad people are. I couldn't tell you what story is in what book. But, I know that when I read my scriptures every night, I am following a commandment. I know that we have been given beautiful promises that pertain to reading the scriptures everyday. And, I know that I have been blessed with peace, comfort, happiness, quiet calmness, and light because I have read my scriptures. Right now, that is a good enough reason for me to continue to heed that commandment.

Hiding Out

This is me, at work, on Sunday. I am hiding out in a locked fitting room because a shoplifter was in the fitting room next to me and we were on to her!

I seriously live for this kind of stuff!

Friday Favorites - Online Shopping

I am finally back on the wagon with doing Friday Favorites on the blog. And, I definitely love this one!

The bishop and I had a talk on Tuesday night. I am clearly stretched very, very thin. I have zero time. Like, none. A normal day is getting up, getting three boys to school, hurrying to work, going home at 5, making dinner for the gang, heading to the gym, getting home and having conversations with each boy, going to bed. That's on an easy day. Days when I work both jobs, you can just forget about it. It's tough. It's tough on me and it's tough on the boys.

Yesterday, WinCo opened right across the street from us. I am super excited about this, as their prices are great and I have always felt like that had what we needed. Having said that, there was no way in heck I was going there yesterday and our fridge consisted of ketchup, expired sour cream, about six eggs, left overs, and mayo.

I decided to try out the online ordering. I am here to tell you that I LOVED it. I am a fan. It was relatively simple. It would probably be completely easy peasy is I didn't need everything. I received an email confirmation. When I got home, I told Jackson and Kaydon that they would need to go pick it up between 6 and 7 (they give you an hour window to get it picked up). I gave Jackson my debit card and headed to the gym.

When I got home, most of the groceries were put away. I asked Kaydon how it went. He said that they just followed the instructions on the sign where they parked. They brought everything out. Jackson gave them the debit card. They gave Jackson and Kaydon treats to eat in the car while they loaded everything. They also gave the boys a separate/updated printout. It included any substitutions that needed to be made, and if they were out of certain items, price-matches, etc.

Although I think Smith's is way over-priced, last night was exactly what I needed it to be. It was simple. It was quick. It was one less hour that I had to try to fit in somewhere. I am totally a fan!