Our First Year Without Her

This is our first year without Brooklyn on her birthday. It stings. A lot. I have done a big party for her every year since she was three years old! Butterfly party, swimming party, pizza party, Frozen party, and a game night party. Today she is eight. She will be baptized on Saturday. The boys and I won't be there for any of it. It really hurts.

Brooklyn, we will love you for always. We will love you forever. Our baby girl you will always be.

Thankful! - Josh's Kids

Yes, I am indeed thankful for Josh's kids. Brooklyn was my own for six years. She was my girl. I bathed her, helped to potty train her, did homework with her, colored with her, read with her, did her hair, picked out her clothes, comforted her when she cried, had girls' days and nights with her, painted her nails, cooked with her, sang to her, rocked her... She was my daughter, too. And, oh how I miss her. I will love her forever. I will love her for always. My baby girl she will always be.

Treyvan, who I call Goober, is the happiest and sweetest baby. His smile can make anyone's day better. He is content and loving. He is getting so big and the boys and I call him "chunky monkey." We love him, too.

My mom had one request of me for the last two weeks - for me to bring Brooklyn and the baby down for her to see. So, I texted Josh and asked if I could do that. He obliged. My mom's face lit up when she saw them. She got loved on and kissed. She was so happy for them to be there. They healed a part of her heart on Saturday. After a long nap, mom was sitting up and behaving much more like mom. She just wanted to be near the kids.

I am so thankful we were able to do that for her. Chemo starts today. It's time to fight!

An Unexpectedly Beautiful Weekend

Thursday, Josh texted me and told me that Brooklyn was really wanting to see the boys and I. I told him that we would love to have her. He told me that he was working on Saturday 5:30 am - 2:20 pm. I suggested that she sleep at our house and stay with us Saturday until he got off of work. He then asked me if I would also like to have the baby. I was a little caught off guard. I obviously haven't even seen the baby yet. I told him I would talk to my boys and get back with him. I spoke to each of my boys, individually. Everyone was okay with it. So, late Friday evening Josh brought Brooklyn (who was absolutely ecstatic to see us) and the baby. The baby sat in his baby carrier for a little bit while I allowed all of my emotions to process. I just looked at him. He is a beautiful baby. I took him out, changed his diaper, put him in his pajamas, then I held him. I allowed myself to cry. I allowed myself to feel. I allowed myself to forgive. I allowed myself to love.

Brooklyn crawled into bed with me and the baby (his name is Treyvan, but I call him Goober) slept next to me in a bassinet. I was up most of the night. He is a loud sleeper. When Kaydon heard him fussing at 5:30, he came in to see if he could help. I made a bottle to feed him and Brooklyn asked Kaydon to crawl into bed with her, so he did. The baby and I went downstairs to feed him and then we fell asleep on the couch. As the children woke up, they each took their own personal time with him as well. Both Braxton and Kaydon fed him. Jackson spent time tickling his arms and talking to him. The three of them tried to figure out how to change a diaper (it was the funniest thing I have ever seen!). We played outside, put Legos together, ate popsicles, and watched Baby Einstein. It was an unexpectedly beautiful day.

When Josh came to pick them up, Brooklyn cried and cried. I pulled her aside and told her that I would always be her mama and the boys would always be her brothers. She nodded and cried somemore. She told her dad that this was his fault and that she was very mad at him. He acknowledged it and told her he was so sorry and that he knew he messed up very, very badly. Then, off they went.

Our family of five then celebrated Kaydon's 14th birthday. Oh, my boys crack me up! They are so dang funny.

Oh, how I love my children. Oh, how I am so thankful for forgiveness and joy. Oh, how I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father who is very patient, who has a plan for us, who knows best, who loves us so very, very much.

Dear Sis

Dear Sis,

Today I miss you. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you and wonder how tall you're getting, how long your hair is, or if your finger nails are painted. I wonder if you're singing new songs, drawing new pictures, watching new movies. I wonder if you're handwriting has changed and what numbers you are adding and subtracting. I wonder who you are eating lunch with and who you are playing with at recess.

Sis, I helped raise you for six years. I was your other mom for six years. You were my girl for six years. Then, just like that you weren't. I don't see you. I don't talk to you. I have no contact with you and it hurts. It makes me sad. I know that you have a great mom and great dads. I know that you are loved infinitely. But, today hurts.

The boys often say how they miss you as well. You were a part of us. You were our family. You were our daughter and our sister. Great Grandma Nef texted me last night and asked if it would be okay for her to send you a birthday card this year. I told her that it was of course be fine. We all miss you. Nana and Pops, Papa and Grandma, Aunts and Uncles. We love you. We always will. Part of my heart is gone. It's the part of my heart that you filled so perfectly.

Someday, I wonder if we can get a pedicure again, watch a movie together again, play a game together, read a book together, or just have me hold you and rock you again. I wonder if I can ever braid your hair again, watch you tie your shoes again. I wonder if I can ever have you "massage my shoulders" again. I wonder if I'll ever hold you again.

Until then, I'll love you forever and for eternity Sis.

Nana Visits & Warriors

On Saturday morning, Nana drove up to bring us 14 pints of homemade honey from Lovell, Wyoming AND to bring Little Miss her new cape. Nana gave Kaydon a cape a few years ago and he still wears it often, as he pretends to be a warrior who is saving the world. Gosh, I love that kid! Brooklyn likes to "train" with Kaydon. Brooklyn can't adequately train with Kaydon without a cape. Duh! So, Brooklyn has been begging Nana to make her a cape. Saturday, Nana brought her the cape. Brooklyn and Kaydon "trained" for the rest of the day. She came in and told me that she had made it to "knighthood." Becoming a warrior takes a little more practice! ;)

A Frozen Party

Brooklyn's birthday is this coming Saturday. She will be six years old on the sixth. Kind of cool! She wanted a Frozen-themed birthday. So, after Thanksgiving was all cleaned up, I began to prepare her dessert bar. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I prepared. I baked like a crazy person! I made everything myself, except the powdered donuts and wrapped candy. I served: white cupcakes, dyed blue, with white frosting and homemade white chocolate candy pieces; three-layer rice krispy treats; marshmallow pops, dipped in white chocolate and blue sixlets; sugar cookies iced with blue icing and topped with white sixlets; homemade caramel corn, drizzled with white chocolate, powdered donuts, and chocolate candies. I think it's safe to say everyone was sugared up for a while! Josh helped me ice the cookies and frost the cupcakes. Kaydon helped me dip the marshmallows. Everyone else helped to eat everything. Papa & Grandma, Papa & Steph, Nichole, Matt & Jen, Kara & Jess, Brandon & Carrie all came. Brooklyn was spoiled, which is the story of our lives. I am exhausted, but so thankful that I was able to pull this off for her.

Toothless

Little Miss lost her first tooth last Tuesday night. It was high drama, but it happened! It's been loose for quite some time and during dinner, something snagged it. It was laying almost flat and it was causing a lot of pain. She was screaming for approximately one hour, four minutes, and 25 seconds (but who was counting?!?!). We kept telling her that we needed to get it out so that it would stop hurting. Finally, she let Braxton snag that thing right out. The screaming stopped immediately and she was SO proud! Braxton is the best brother... seriously. He gave her $1 for being brave AND the tooth fairy came with four quarters! Lucky, lucky girl!