I've attended counseling in the past, but simply went feeling depressed or anxious and didn't have much of a goal or even a real purpose in being there. This time, I went in knowing exactly what I wanted/needed. I told my very patient counselor that we weren't going to waste any time -- we needed to get right to it! I know that I need to learn to forgive myself and I need to learn to love myself, be content with me, and move forward. I also told him that I don't just want to sit and talk while he listens. I can talk to the wall! I need feedback, tools, and resources. And, away we went! I am really looking forward to this, actually. He left me with two really powerful thoughts in our very first meeting:
1. He asked me if I was an "all or nothing" kind of girl. I wasn't sure what he meant. So, he asked me if I was at all different now than I was when the boys and I left their father 14 years ago. I thought for a minute and said that I am much more vocal now. I'm a lot more sassy. I don't live scared anymore. I am a different parent. I'm physically stronger and mentally stronger. He asked if those were positive things. I replied that they were. Then he said this, "Heidi, no one is going to wake up on any day in this life and be able to say that they made it, that they're perfect, that they have nothing else to learn. This is a journey. The idea is to learn and grow and be more and more the person we are supposed to be, the person we can be. So, you feel like if you aren't where you want to be right now that it's a failure. That's not a thing! It's a journey. Step by step." Oh.
2. He asked me if I knew the difference between guilt and shame. I did not. He explained that guilt is a good thing, a feeling from our Heavenly Father. Imagine for a moment a world without guilt. Guilt is feeling bad about SOMETHING that we DID. It's an opportunity to feel badly about something we did or said and then not do it again, learn from it, and move forward. Shame, on the other hand, comes from Satan. It is feeling bad about ME. It is telling myself that I am worthless, hopeless, helpless, bad, unlovable. Then he asked if I have guilt or shame. I told him that I knew for certain that I had shame. He explained that we will be working on this.
I left feeling excited, genuinely hopeful that I am on the right track, on the correct journey. I am already being very careful with my personal thoughts about myself. And, People, I have the greatest friends. My B Beck. My Teresa. My Miss Birdie. Gosh, I am so blessed. People who have never given up on me, who love me unconditionally. Thank you.
Oh, and!!!! Last night after the gym, I ran to Brandon's office to get adjusted. I walked in and saw my babies!! These boys have my heart. I quickly took them out of their car seats. Their very patient mama just sat in the massage chair like, "Oh, Auntie is here. This could be a while!" Sweet Anson just grins. Asher is a little more excited to see me. He immediately opens his mouth wide and goes in for Auntie kisses. Oh, my heart. Last night, though, he did something a little different. He latched his mouth on to my cheek and then violently shook his face back and forth while he growled. Brandon could not stop laughing.
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