Single Mom Gig - The Real Deal

Although I try to be positive, patient, hopeful, prayerful, and faithful, this single mom gig is a struggle. It is lonely. It is exhausting. It is scary. It is not what I envisioned when I thought of my future. Sometimes I cry. A lot. Sometimes I wonder why such a righteous desire of being loved and having a worthy, honorable eternal companion is seemingly unattainable. I texted my pops on Saturday, asking him to give me a blessing on Sunday when the boys and I would be down for dinner. He, of course, obliged. Then, Kaydon came in and asked me what was the matter. I had been off all day. I had been quiet, tired, teary, and a bit lethargic. I told him how I was feeling. He told me to rest, then he told me to text Becky Beck and ask her what to pray for. Isn't that sweet that my boys knows who I need to go to for specific answers?! So, I listened to him and I did just that.

B Beck told me that one of my spiritual gifts was that I love, with my whole heart, unconditionally. She told me that I am lovable. She told me that while I am praying for companionship of a loving, adoring, honorable priesthood holder who can take me to the Temple, I can be praying for other things in the meantime. She then told me of a friend of hers. Her friend dated a lot years ago, similar to what I have been doing for the last year and a half. She then decided to begin praying for contentment as a single mother. She prayed that her need of intimacy and companionship would go away until the day when Heavenly Father was ready for her to find her companion. I needed to hear that. And, I promised her that I would do that with as much faith as I could muster. I then watched the Women's General Session and heard words that were comforting to me in many ways.

Sunday, the boys and I drove down to Sandy. I had been prayerful for about 24 hours that my pops would be able to speak for my Heavenly Father and tell me exactly what I needed to know. Shortly after arriving, I asked Pops if he could give me the blessing. I was so eager! He, my mom, Jackson and Kaydon and I sat in the living room. He began by asking me what was going on. I explained to him how I was feeling. He then told me that he would be back. He went upstairs and prayed. Do you know I know that he loves me? You just read it. He listened, then went upstairs to listen to the Father so that he could talk to me for Him.

My pops gave me the most beautiful father's blessing. He paused repeatedly, and for long periods of time, as he listened specifically to the Spirit. At one point, he said out loud, "I'm not sure I understand how to tell her that." My heart about burst. He cried through most of it. Well, we all did. When he was done, he sat in front of me and we talked about the feelings and impressions he had during the blessing. This is what I learned:
1. I have to forgive myself. My past is my past. What is done is done. It's over. Heavenly Father has forgiven me. He is waiting for me to forgive myself. I'm not sure how to do that. But, I will learn and I will do.
2. I have to learn to love myself. I have always felt extremely unlovable. This is obviously not okay. I need to work on ways to learn to love myself, to know that I am enough. I love others with everything I have. I love other unconditionally. But, I don't love myself. This is a necessary step in my progress.
3. I have the most amazing children. When I told Kaydon that I pray constantly that I will just be loved, he said, "That prayer has already been answered, Mom. You have us." He's right. I need to stop looking for prayers to only be answered in the way I envision, and start looking at all of the answers that have already been given.
4. The Lord will not let me down. He's not going to let me down as long as I am doing my best. And, I am.

Waiting means hoping, anticipating, and trusting. In the meantime, it requires me to have faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, endurance, and diligence. I have been asked to keep the commandments, standfast, press forward, and rely on Christ. I need to not cast away my confidence in my Savior. I need to work WITH Him together for my good.

After my blessing and dinner, Kaydon and Pops made a fire and then the boys played games with Nana and Pops while I watched football.

These are the real feelings of being single. It's not always fun and games. It's not always glitter and unicorns... well it's NEVER glitter and unicorns. It's hard. It can be lonely. It can feel defeating and tiring. But, it's my path right now and so I will try hard to forgive myself and love this sassy pants self of mine.