Confidence is a tough word for me.
Since the stroke I have learned so much about myself, my childhood, my triggers, my hold-ups, the whys, the hows, and the tricky goal of becoming Heidi 2.0.
I have learned in the last couple of months that part of the reason why I always saw myself in such a negative light was due to something my second grade teacher used to instill in us repeatedly... like every single day. She was one of my favorite teachers. I wanted so badly to make her proud, to make her like me, to have her praise me. I just wanted to be praised. She was older (in her 60's or 70's) and was from the Phillipines. I thought she was so beautiful and so wise. Her accent was dazzling to me in my little 8 year-old mind. Daily, she told us that we should never "brag" or speak well of ourselves. She explained that by doing this, people would never like us, in fact they would dislike us very much. This was discussed daily. I'm not sure that any other young child took it to the extreme like I did. But, heaven knows I took it to the extreme. In my little head, I determined that NOT liking myself at all would make people like me. I was determined to be humble, to the extreme - like to the most unhealthy extreme. So, any feelings, any emotions, any thoughts I had about myself went into the figurative closet so that I would not have to deal with them. This equaled a stroke on December 10, 2017. But, it equaled so much more. It equaled an eating disorder, unbelievably unhealthy relationships, the inability to see myself as worth it or good enough, and the fear of failure... again, to the extreme. Everything went to the extreme. And, in the unhealthy relationships I believed whole-heartedly that I deserved was I was getting and that I would never deserve anything better. Afterall, liking myself at all was unacceptable.
Fast-forward to December 11, 2017.
I determined I was going to change. I determined that this life I had been living for FORTY years was unacceptable. Not liking myself was unacceptable. Not feeling that I was worth it or good enough was unacceptable. Constantly feeling that I needed to fear every single mistake in life was not acceptable. We are ALL worth it. We are ALL good enough. And, Heidi- bragging is much different than loving yourself enough to be kind to yourself! FYI.
I have now been a Younique presenter and seller for a little over one month. And, I have put my face on Facebook lives and on selfies. I have talked about my passions. I have done my makeup in front of everyone who wants to watch. I have decided that I am confident in who I have because I am a daughter of God. I am His. He created me. I didn't create myself! He created me. He loves me, regardless of the stupid things I do. My value, and yours, is not up for discussion.
It took me a while - okay, WAY too long - to figure this out, but here I am. Here we are.
No comments:
Post a Comment