I Scream, You Scream...

Seriously, though.

Jackson and I went to a team holiday dinner with some of the girls that I love.

We went to the Cheesecake Factory.

What did I get for dessert?
DUH! 

Seriously, duh People.

I got freaking ice cream!!!

This was no small portion, I tell you.

Do you love Jackson's reaction?
Nothing.

He doesn't even blink an eye anymore.

He knows full well his mama is going to eat all of it and enjoy it until my tummy hurts for the rest of the weekend.

Which it did.

I would, in fact, like to give you a run-down of my eating since Friday.

Friday: a 24 ounce steak. I hate the whole dang thing, too.

That night with D - Mongolian Grill.

Mmmmm hmmmmm.

Saturday: Cheesecake Factory - Avocado eggrolls, salmon, and 5 pounds of ice cream.

Sunday: Chicken, pasta salad, cookies. (Plural on the cookies)

Monday: More ice cream because I had a bad day when I forgot to send my kids to school, which is merely an excuse. I just wanted ice cream.

Tuesday: Back on track, People. Back on the dang track.

Laundry & One Week Down

What a boring, lazy, perfect weekend I had!

All but Jackson went to the Layton game on Friday night.

Jackson took me to get an ice cream.

All of the boys were gone on Saturday.

I literally watched a Lock Up marathon on Netflix, colored and made cookies.

I didn't even shower!

All day long!

Sunday was the Primary Program.

I kind of REALLY miss having my little ones up there, waving at me and blowing me kisses.

Those dang kiddos are so stinking cute.

And there are so many new Primary songs. They are beautiful.

The boys' dad drove up to take them to dinner.

While they were gone, I finished Jackson's laundry for him.

Once you turn 10 at my house, you do your own laundry.

Period.

It's been five years since I've done anyone's laundry by my own!

Last night, I thought I would finish his for him.

I literally wept while I folded it.

I realized that there are only two more months before he leaves.

He's ready.

He's prepared.

He's worthy.

I'm a mess.

It's been a whole week since I've been on social media.

An entire week.

I don't even feel the temptation anymore to be on there.

I don't feel tempted to even go peek.

It's been a wonderful break.

I am up-to-date on my Book of Mormon reading as well.

Reading it this quickly has actually been pretty cool.

I feel like I'm getting out of it different things than I have when I've gone much, much slower.

Wednesday, I go back to my daily Facebook Lives and posts for my business.

I feel like I'll be ready.

I pray that I will see blessing in my business for my obedience.

Girls Night Party

Makeovers, Skin Care Classes and Mask Parties are always fun!

But to be able to do them with people you love... it's pretty great!

My Auntie M is in town from Texas.

She wanted a makeover.

She invited my aunts, bonus mom and cousin to join her for a mask party... and a surprise baby shower for my beautiful cousin!

It was so fun!

The masks were loved... they are pretty rad!

I was able to pamper my auntie.

I was able to spend time with my sweet Miss D.

It was a great night! I am so thankful for the opportunity to spend time with family and play makeup all in one!!!

Dances, OT & Skin Care... Oh My!

Tuesday night was quite the night.

I stopped at the grocery store to get bananas.

Because I wanted to.

Then I went home.

I made dinner.

Because I wanted to.

I made cookies (OT).

While I was recovering from the stroke at home, I had to continue with therapy all day, everyday.

The guys at work would get so excited about OT days.

It meant they got homemade cookies.

It was easy for them to be supportive because what grown men does not love cookies?!

Last night it was oatmeal and butterscotch.

It's still therapy to me.

It's more mental and emotional than physical, though.

I love it.

It puts me back into the moment.

It calms my soul.

Plus, I eat a LOT of cookie batter.

Like, A LOT.

Because I want to.

Kaydon got asked to the Harvest Dance.

This is not the first person to ask him to the dance, however she is the first person to do it the "official" way.

Adorable.

I am, however, very glad that I did not have to dig through the guts to find the letters that spelled her name.

Pumpkin guts make me dry heave.

So do loose teeth.

And boys clearing their throats.

And quite a few things that come out of my boys' mouths, too.

I also prepped for a skin care class last night.

I earned a trunk.

I love it.

It's perfect.

It fits all of my make up.

I used to have to take two huge bags and at least three baskets to every single makeover and skin care class.

Now, I have my trunk and one bag.

I only have to take the basket when it's a large group and it's a skin care class.

I was so stoked when I had it all loaded up!

And, I am so thankful for all of the kind words that have been shared with me the last couple of days.

Sometimes we get into funks, don't we?!

We cry. We yearn for more. We count our blessings. We choose to be kinder to ourselves and others.

And then we carry on.

I am so grateful for the greatest of all time (GOAT) village. 

Like ever!

Self Love

I am slowly, but very surely learning the value and necessity of self love. In a world where we are constantly seeing the very best of everyone's lives and comparing our worst to their best; in a world where nothing we ever do is good enough or worthy of love; in a world where we are constantly judged by others and ourselves; in a world where we consider ourselves very last on a list of things and people that are worthy of our love; in a world where people are cruel and the most cruel are usually ourselves... I am practicing self love. I have to remind myself to do it every hour of every day. But, I know that I am worth it. Not because of me, but because I am His daughter and my worth was set in stone before my mama pushed me out of her vagina!

Younique has forced me, literally, to post pictures of my dang self... to do Lives every single day, even on my very worst days when I don't want to show my face to anyone... to fill my well every day so that I CAN fill other peoples' wells also. We can't help others to see their worth if we don't value our own.

I LOVE that Younique has the ability, at least with me, to empower, validate and inspire. I am teaching myself these lessons every day. And, it might not seem like I'm doing a great job when you see all of the drama in my life with men who are cookoo for cocoa puffs... but what you don't see is me setting boundaries and saying, "No." "Not today, Scooter." Just because they are posting outrageous stories and Lives does not mean I have any communication with them. I don't. I am so dang proud of myself for learning that I am worth it and saying, "no."

I hope to be able to continue to inspire myself and love myself... especially because we can't count on the world to do it for us!

I Did It!

I am seriously thrilled at my accomplishments!

I am so grateful for the rewards that I received from Younique Corporate for meeting my personal goals. I am so grateful for every single person who supports me and my business by liking, sharing, watching my hot-mess Facebook lives, purchasing, etc. I am so thankful for this opportunity to get my boys and I out of debt and spread some self-love!

May Goals!!

I have set some pretty gnarly goals for myself this month!

They include exercising three times a week... I haven't exercised since I went back to work full-time. It was just way too much for my body and brain. I need to try again. Working out is a personal release for me and one that helps me with my confidence and self-esteem as well. I love the feeling of getting stronger. When I was in the hospital, I asked my therapists to get me back to where I could walk on the treadmill and lift weights under five pounds. I was ready and was doing okay with that. Now it's time to get back at it.

Other goals are related to my business. I have a goal to do two skincare of makeup classes this month. They're free and inspiring... Let me know if you want to do one!

I have a goal of supporting two new people in their business journey. It is $99 to start your own business! That gives you a lot of product ($200 of which is free), a gorgeous purple bag, and a website to run your business on. This business includes playing with makeup and skincare, posting about it on Facebook, and working your business from your phone. It's perfect for stay-at-home moms and for people who work. I run my business at night and on Saturdays, when I schedule my posts on Facebook. If you would like to earn some extra money (you get paid within three hours of orders being made), let me know!!

I also have a goal for personal sales. This month's kudos is pretty much awesome. I love that Younique gives such great incentives and puts together such great sales for us to promote. Please let me know if I can do anything to help you with your skincare or makeup needs or wants. Mother's Day is this month! It's a great time to purchase some mama gifts from me! :)

Friday Favorites - A Few of My Favorite Things

I am about two months into my Younique journey. I have not put a time frame on my Younique journey. I am all-in.

I am determined to be successful, and to come always from a place of abundance.

I am determined to have a second job which is successful so that I can support my family.

I am determined to continue to increase my own self love and to increase others' as best as I can... not by wearing a lot of makeup... not by putting a mask on every night... but by really realizing our worth and that we are good enough today, at this moment, right now.

I am really having a blast trying new creative looks. I believe it's the increase in self love which allows me to feel more creative, more daring, and more okay with being me... whatever that is.

I am so thankful for the support of those who love me... my family, MY BOYS, my T, my Jakki, my Caroline, Tami, Joy, Dave, Eddie, my mama, my Heidi, my Becca, and my Logan!!! Thank you to everyone who watches my hot-mess Lives, to everyone who comments and shares. Thank you for all that you are all doing to support us!

All Kinds of Official

These beauties arrived yesterday.

I feel all kinds of official.

I feel all kinds of feelings, really.

Tired.

Exhausted.

Drained.

Anxious (in a peaceful way)

Comforted.

Guided.

Proud.

Confident.

Hopeful.

Faithful.

Driven.

Motivated.

Loved.

Oh, so loved. Like, unbelievably loved. Like, eternally and unconditionally loved.

I Can Do Hard Things

Today is the day that has given me anxiety for over a week now. I am back at work full-time.

I couldn't sleep all night. I worried and worried about how things would go and how I would handle it all. Worry is such an unhealthy thought to have. It serves us no real purpose. It is simply a story that we tell ourselves about how things could go wrong, when in fact they may go just right!

Jackson, Kaydon, and Colton knelt by my bed last night and Jackson offered a prayer on my behalf, and theirs. I have decided that I will simply do my best. I will take breaks when I feel I need them. I brought my yoga mat to stretch when I need to. I'll have my calming meditation music on when needed. I will turn off my office light for most of the day. I will breathe in and breathe out. I will take walks when I need to. I can only do my best and my best isn't what I did on December 9th. My best is what I can do right now. And that's okay.

This week, I am focusing on shadow palettes and cream shadow for my business. I hope you will join me in my Facebook group for tricks and tips and pictures of me trying new looks each day!

Friday Favorites - Confidence

Dear Friends,

Confidence is a tough word for me.

Since the stroke I have learned so much about myself, my childhood, my triggers, my hold-ups, the whys, the hows, and the tricky goal of becoming Heidi 2.0.

I have learned in the last couple of months that part of the reason why I always saw myself in such a negative light was due to something my second grade teacher used to instill in us repeatedly... like every single day. She was one of my favorite teachers. I wanted so badly to make her proud, to make her like me, to have her praise me. I just wanted to be praised. She was older (in her 60's or 70's) and was from the Phillipines. I thought she was so beautiful and so wise. Her accent was dazzling to me in my little 8 year-old mind. Daily, she told us that we should never "brag" or speak well of ourselves. She explained that by doing this, people would never like us, in fact they would dislike us very much. This was discussed daily. I'm not sure that any other young child took it to the extreme like I did. But, heaven knows I took it to the extreme. In my little head, I determined that NOT liking myself at all would make people like me. I was determined to be humble, to the extreme - like to the most unhealthy extreme. So, any feelings, any emotions, any thoughts I had about myself went into the figurative closet so that I would not have to deal with them. This equaled a stroke on December 10, 2017. But, it equaled so much more. It equaled an eating disorder, unbelievably unhealthy relationships, the inability to see myself as worth it or good enough, and the fear of failure... again, to the extreme. Everything went to the extreme. And, in the unhealthy relationships I believed whole-heartedly that I deserved was I was getting and that I would never deserve anything better. Afterall, liking myself at all was unacceptable.

Fast-forward to December 11, 2017.

I determined I was going to change. I determined that this life I had been living for FORTY years was unacceptable. Not liking myself was unacceptable. Not feeling that I was worth it or good enough was unacceptable. Constantly feeling that I needed to fear every single mistake in life was not acceptable. We are ALL worth it. We are ALL good enough. And, Heidi- bragging is much different than loving yourself enough to be kind to yourself! FYI.

I have now been a Younique presenter and seller for a little over one month. And, I have put my face on Facebook lives and on selfies. I have talked about my passions. I have done my makeup in front of everyone who wants to watch. I have decided that I am confident in who I have because I am a daughter of God. I am His. He created me. I didn't create myself! He created me. He loves me, regardless of the stupid things I do. My value, and yours, is not up for discussion.

It took me a while - okay, WAY too long - to figure this out, but here I am. Here we are.

Single Mom Gig - Abundance

As you know, I am a working, single mother of four boys. I have them 100% of the time... not that they are scheduled commodities, but I am the only parent in their lives. Period. It's on me. I don't get breaks from parenting. Not that I would want them. And the older they get and make plans to move out and become real-life adults and do real-life adult things, the more I never want to get a break from parenting... ever. Like in the history or future of ever. If a talk needs to take place, it's me. If they are needing to be talked to about things (bathing, slowing the F down when they are driving, dating, homework, chores, cleaning their rats nest of a bedroom, brushing their teeth at least once a dang day, respecting women, respecting everyone who is worthy of respect, eating slow enough to actually taste their food, using their earned money on needs before wants, etc. etc. etc.) If they need to talk, they come to me... not because I'm the best option but because I am all there is. Poor kids!

I have to tell you what one of my very favorite things is about this situation! We are a team. What one of us sucks at, one of the other four can pick up the slack. My new business is a whole new learning process for me. I hate sales. With a passion. I am not a sales person. But, I AM passionate about supporting my kids, paying my medical bills so that my credit isn't even worse than it already is, and sharing my personal experiences and stories about becoming whole after being so broken over and over and over again. Because I am passionate about those things, I am giving myself two years to make this business successful. By successful, I mean paying bills and inspiring and encouraging others to be whole and happy and at peace.

Because it is my goal to do this and to LEARN to be successful at it, my boys have jumped on board and are being unbelievably supportive. Remember, they are TEENAGE BOYS. Most teenage boys could care less about their mom selling makeup and skin care and taking selfies and doing Lives. In fact, most teenage boys would rather not know anything about any of it. Not my boys. No, my boys have learned the best set up for the camera. They have worked to figure out lighting. They are working to find a better backdrop for Lives and pictures. They have held virtual Facebook parties for their friends. For real. They have talked to their girl friends about this stuff and encouraged them to look on my site. They have edited my bios, in hopes that the marketing will begin to be better. They have researched other Lives for me to find better and more effective ways to market myself. They have spent TIME and effort, not because I ask them to, but because they see a need and they jump in and they support me.

In the real world, I am not the only parent in my home. I am not really a SINGLE MOM. I am surrounded by four teenage sons who teach me and support me and comfort me and remind me and pray for me and with me. I am anything but single in my home. Just last night, I asked Kaydon to come pray with me. He knelt by my bed and prayed FOR me. Braxton came in to kiss me goodnight and said, "Mom, how much longer are you going to be on your phone working? I don't want it to hurt your eyes." Colton yelled over and over and over and over and over again, "Love you Mama!"

In our world, there is abundance. Just the opposite of single anything.

Single Mom Gig - Supporting Mama

If you haven't heard, I'm a Younique Presenter now. I am selling this amazing makeup and skin care in order to pay my medical bills from the stroke.

My boys have been my biggest supporters... seriously. Both Jackson and Braxton are having virtual Facebook parties at the moment. Obviously, they aren't doing it to earn makeup. They are doing it because they support me and they love me and they want to help me succeed with whatever it is I'm doing.

They help me set up for Facebook Lives. They help me set up parties. They help me with computer stuff. They help me to organize and get work done.

They encourage me and laugh at me when I have masks all over my face. They love me and they are my biggest cheerleaders. I am so grateful that I am so blessed in my single mom gig.

Hustling!

If you were lucky enough to watch my Facebook Live last night (wink wink), you know that I am now selling Younique products! T has been selling Younique for a couple of years now and supplying me with what it takes to put my own face on! I don't wear very much makeup at all. But what I do wear is all Younique and I sincerely love their products. Skin care is more my jam... and they have the best!

So, last night I got on Facebook Live in my gym clothes... If I would have thought that through a little better, I probably would have had makeup on and had my hair did and been wearing normal clothes, but then I wouldn't have been me. And, I'm me. Tonight, I am going live again with one of my teenage boys. I haven't had this discussion with them yet, so who it will be will be a surprise to all of us... including me!! But, you know it will be awesome.

Please go to my virtual party between now and March 15th and do some shopping. Or don't. But do, if you want to!!

https://www.youniqueproducts.com/HeidiRay/party/9144899/view