The last couple of weeks have been tough for me.
I have felt like I am truly failing at momming, homemaking, cooking, paying bills, my job(s), my health.
I am fully and completely aware that I am different since the stroke.
My brain is broken and will never be what it once was.
I know this to be true.
And that can be hard.
Sometimes I feel that this is a bit more obvious than at other times.
The last couple of weeks I feel like this truth has been like a spotlight on my fragile self and it's made me feel like I am crumbling under the pressure I put on myself to be unflawed, detail-oriented, multi-task expert, perfect mama, perfect housekeeper, perfect budgeter, perfect cook, perfect friend, perfect employee.
There once was a time when I was considered the best at what I do at my job.
That is not the case anymore.
This stings so much that it is now a dull ache at all times.
When I get worked up about it, symptoms occur and I have to go home and sleep.
Then I worry about going home to sleep.
I worry that I am no longer reliable.
I worry that I am no longer reliable.
I worry that I am no longer needed.
I worry that I am no longer wanted.
I worry that I will never be any of those things again.
Ever.
And then I crumble.
And I have begun the action of crumbling.
This morning I had a performance evaluation (quarterly).
All of my fears were confirmed.
I am not doing well with detail.
I am not doing well at all with detail.
Without me knowing, responsibilities have been taken away from me.
I can't be relied on in some areas.
This is heart-breaking to me. In so many ways. Heart-breaking.
I feel SO guilty.
I feel SO bad.
I feel SO different than I used to in my abilities at my job. And at home. And everywhere.
I recognize how far I've come since this day.
I know I have.
I wanted so badly to be better that same day.
To be back at work the next day.
To be back to "normal" immediately.
Everything has taken time and I am now recognizing that there is a new normal that is so hard to embrace.
It's Heidi 2.0.
It has to be good enough.
I have to be okay with it.
And today I'm not.
I won't give up or give in.
But I must find acceptance in some of it so that I can move forward, onward and upward.
And I will.
I am SO grateful for my village who lift me up when I cannot stand, literally.
Who love me just the way I am. And that's a big deal.
Who give me space to throw myself an epic pity party, but expect me to keep them short and sweet.
Who root for my rise, sometimes literally.
We can do hard things.
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