Back At It Ish

I did it

Saturday, I walked back into the gym.

News flash:

Mama has been deep into my false self since my procedure ten days ago.

I've been thinking on it, trying to figure out where my feelings are coming from.

I think I have it figured out, and now it's release time.

First, they weighed me pre-procedure.

The scale verified my fear: I have gained 15 pounds.

I say "fear" because I am an addict.

To validation

As part of that process addiction, I have had eating disorders in the past, but it has been eleven years!

That 15 pounds had me scared, feeling very unworthy to step foot into a gym with workout clothes on, and anxious.

Second, I attempted to go to the gym the day after the procedure and it was NOT a strong showing. In fact, it scared me a little. I thought back to post-stroke and that fear came back.

Third, all of my motivation and excitement has seemed to blow out the door as if the big bad wolf was standing inside of me.

I talked with a good friend on Wednesday.

He was asking how my morning workout went.

I confessed that I hadn't been since the previous Saturday.

I told him some of my feelings and thoughts and asked for his in return.

He said, "Why don't you show yourself some grace. Take the week off from the gym - make it YOUR choice to take the week off. Focus on your eating and your drinking of fluids. Love yourself through it and think about it next week."

And, I did.

I am back to intermittent fasting, which my body LOVES.

I am sleeping so much better since my procedure.

I am drinking more than the allotted water.

So, Saturday I walked into the gym.

I didn't want to.

I didn't feel excited like I usually do, but I did it.

And I went back Sunday.

I didn't want to.

I did it anyways.

I told myself affirmations all along the way AND, I did something else.

I looked around at the people who are medically diagnosed as obese.

Those who have medical problems that make going to the gym physically hard.

I thought about them.

I thought about their struggles and their burdens and their will to be their anyways.

In my mind, I praised them and felt gratitude for them.

I thought about how they were inspiring me to keep going, even as they were taking long breaks between sets, or stopping to sit down every five minutes while on the treadmill.

They were there.

And so was I.

And we are ALL worthy to be there.

I came home to this creature.

Apparently, Kaya felt it necessary to do neighborhood watch duty for the day.

She is both magic and mess.

She is both love and hate.

She is both darling and naughty.